Brother, Can You Spare A Drachma?

It's me.  Your favorite 95% naked Greek God who looks like the Gerber Baby.

I just stopped by to say hello on Valentine's Day, which used to be my special day til I jumped ship and headed for greener pastures.  Or in my case, whiter snowier pastures.  And BTW ... 

Brother, can you spare a drachma?  

Last time I saw you  I had taken over the Groundhog Day gig at Punxsutawney PA, but I'm sorry to say things didn't work out. Punxsutawney isn't exactly Rio de Janeiro when your best suit of clothes is a loincloth and your employer won't even spring for a North Face jacket!  

Then again I had the unfortunate occurrence of being caught with my head up a few things other than my burrow hole.  

Well,  I am Cupid, goddamnit!

Hitting the job market, I first applied to work the Jewish holiday of Shavuos but got turned down.  They said a chubby Italian kid shooting arrows wasn't appropriate for a Jewish holiday.

They said even my most potent arrows couldn't make Jewish men sexy.

Now I'd rather bench press Governor Christie than go back to working Valentine's Day, but there is a certain cache in being a Greek God that isn't matched by fry man at McDonald's. So, I took a hint from some of the Jewish guys I'd hooked up with Jewish American princesses over the years, went into full begging mode, and called Zeus.

"Hi, Zeus!  Gee, I missed you, big guy!"

"Who's this?  Y'know, I am on the no call list."

"Zeus, it's me - Cupid!  Also known as Eros, the God of Erotic Love, Desire, Affection, and Grabbing Whatever's Available At 2:00 A.M."

"Cupid? I vaguely remember someone named Cupid who ran out on us last St. Valentine's Day!  First Valentine's Day that even the Rock didn't get laid! "

"I want to come back, Big Guy.  Uh, you offering Obamacare now?"

"Why should I take you back?"

"Because I can do this job like none other. There ... THWACK ... I've just united another two in love!" 

"That wasn't another two, that was another one - Governor Christie!  Like that guy needs to love himself more?"

"But no one handles gay marriage like I do. Watch me .... THWACK ... I've just sealed the relationship between two very handsome young gay men!"

"Cupid, that was Achilles and Patroclus!  You just ruined an ages-old mystery that has sparked fascinating debate and scholarship for centuries!"

"Well, at least you've got closure on it, and ...."
  
"Enough, Cupid!  Besides we've already replaced you."

"With whom?"

"Barry Manilow.  

"Barry Manilow?!  He's a mortal!  With a bad facelift!"

"He writes the songs that make the whole world sing, Cupid." 

"Well, what am I supposed to do now, Zeus?"

"Flutter the pavement, kid.  Oh, and Cupid?"

 "Yes, Zeus?"

"For interviews,  get yourself at least a North Face jacket.  You wanna be naked, get yourself a series on HBO!"

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Cupid's Got A Brand New Bag!

    You know,  folks, I meant to post this on LinkedIn, but  does anybody really pay attention to LinkedIn?   That is, unless you're somebody trying to set a record for meaningless endorsements.

I'm Cupid, by the way, and this year don't look for me anywhere near that lamest of holidays called Valentine's Day.  

This year I've got a brand new bag (of arrows) and I'm flying it over to my new home in downtown Punxsutawney PA!

I'd simply had it up to my wingspan with forced romance as overblown as the dialogue in an Aaron Sorkin TV show, the constant subpoenas to testify in divorce cases ("The little bastard shot the wrong woman! I wanted the hot chick next to her!"), and appearing half-naked in greeting cards alongside doggerel penned by English majors bound for a indefinite future in their parents' basements.  

So I handed in my resignation to Zeus, by Jove!  

Got my resume together, making certain to leave off any jobs I'd had prior to 257 B.C. so I wouldn't give away my age, and began fluttering the pavement.  

It was on Craig's List where I saw it:  the good people of Punxsutawney PA were looking for an image upgrade.  They were tired of  Bill Murray outshining their mangy little rodent each and every February 2.  

So I put on my best loincloth, got a fresh perm, and went in for an interview.  Frankly, I was afraid I'd bombed it when I couldn't answer where I saw myself hibernating five years from now, but ...  Hey, Central PA, Daddy's home!   

And now, it is February 2, 2013,  and I'm ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille-ions of viewers!!!

"Hello, Punxsutawney!   Good Morning, America!  Hi,  George Stephanopoulos!  Hey there, Lara Spencer! 

(What? No drum roll?  I requested Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra.)

Ladies and Gentlemen,  it is my  great privilege and time-honored duty to inform you that ...

I do see my shadow.
 
Sorry, folks,  it's gonna to be six more long weeks o' Winter!  With lots of snow, ice, and temperatures low enough to freeze the tootsies off  Helios himself! 

But, never fear, folks,  because  ....

THWACK!!!
BOINGGGGGGGG!!!!!

Whatever the weather, from now on,  

You're just gonna LOVE it!

Best job I've ever had.  

My cave even has cable and a wet bar.

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Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow

Boy, I'm bummed!

Yes, of course I'm freezing my tushie off! It’s February, Zeus damn it, and I’m only wearing a loin cloth!

My name's Cupid, how the hell are ya?

I am the Big Kahuna of St. Valentine's Day, the lamest holiday ever. A commercial pit stop on the calendar artificially constructed to sell greeting cards, chocolate, roses, and jewelry.

How do I hate thee, Valentine's Day? Let me count the ways.

For the holiday that supposedly has a heart, when it comes to single people you are heartless.  All around them they see nothing but couples gazing ardently into each other's eyes and pawing one other passionately.

I do what I can to help out, but I am just one cherub. The only Significant Other most single people wind up with on Valentine’s Day is the other that’s at the other end of their arm.

Married couples fare no better with thee, Valentine's Day. 

Of any ten random married couples, four hate each other with the same passionate intensity that Tracy Morgan hates being funny. For them, Valentine’s Day begins with breakfast at a table that becomes progressively longer each year until finally one of the two is shoved out on the front lawn.

(Thanks a lot for coming up with that one, Orson Welles!)

Having exchanged the requisite box of chocolates or roses --- often with specified extra thorns --- they repair to an evening of internecine conflict the likes of which I haven't seen since the Peloponnesian War! 

Of the ten random couples, four profess deep feelings to each other that they do indeed have --- for other people!

The husband presents flowers to the wife that he'd love to be proffering to the woman in Marketing with the big tits and the wife gives chocolates to the husband she dreams of tendering in person to Ryan Reynolds. 

If they do it all, it is Ryan Reynolds and Melissa Goldstein in Marketing who are actually having the sex. 

Finally, of the ten random couples, two do indeed love each other with the same deep romantic passion that an orthodontist feels for anyone who's English! 

Sometimes --- ahem ---  my arrows do work wonders!

These two count the micro-seconds until they can once again be enveloped in one another's arms, smooch like Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr, and do the deed for hours on end like the mightiest of Olympians!

Frankly, these folks don't need Valentine's Day. What they could use is a break.  

Their kids haven't seen them since August. 

So what about you?  Where do you fall in the spectrum?

I thought so!  

Well, that's what my arrows are for, my friend.

Shall I take aim?  

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A Very Grenchly Christmas

In the current tough economy, it's nice that many corporations are going the extra mile to display sensitivity towards employees fearful of losing their jobs and livelihoods. 

One such company is the Philadelphia area's world-famed Sunoco, which took the heart-warming step of announcing the expedited closing of its Marcus Hook PA plant on December 1, smack dab at the beginning of the Holiday Season. 

The annual Holiday Party is another way some companies are choosing to calm the jitters of employees in these difficult and sensitive times ....

"Welcome to the 2011 Annual  Grenchly Company Holiday Party!   As a rarefied few of you know, I'm Barton Grenchly, President and CEO of Grenchly Company. 

I wish I had the opportunity to get to know a small number of the remainder of you, but sadly the Penthouse Suite Offices are seven floors above the rest of the company, the elevator above the company floors  requiring a special key,  security code,  and ability to successfully body wrestle a 350 pound goon-like thug named Bungo in order to unlock, and there are only so many hours in the day, beginning with my being chauffeured in to work at 10:30 A.M. and airlifted  to the Forbidden Embers Golf Club in Palm Springs CA at 2:15  shortly thereafter.

As I look over the sea of unfamiliar and more or less unattractive faces before me, I want you  to know that I believe firmly that our employees are our most valuable asset! Also, your check is in the mail, I was just about to call you, and I won't .... well, I'll just leave it at that!

We have a delectable  array of foods and beverages catered for you tonight  by The House of Ptomaine, one of our fine Grenchly subsidiaries, and music for your dancing pleasure by the Mel Grenchly Five, a rather tuneless assemblage of non-talents which at least serves to keep my idiot nephew Mel out of the company.

Now I have just one final announcement before I bid you all an enjoyable party,  a wonderful evening, and a very joyous and happy Holiday Season.  Owing to extremely difficult conditions in the economy at large and at the Grenchly Company in specific ....  

• Tables 1 through 14 will be downsized at the conclusion of the hors d'oeuvres, 

• Tables 15 - 27 downsized  immediately following the main course,  and 

• Tables 28 - 32 will have straight 25% salary reductions imposed across the board at the conclusion of coffee and dessert (a delicious strawberry souffle!) to remain in effect until probable downsizing  New Year's Eve Day,  Martin Luther King Day,  or Valentine's Day.

Please be advised that your Separation Agreements are being placed on your tables as we speak. 

Please sign and return ASAP as the Open Bar this evening is the primary component of your Separation Package,  and I'm sure you'll want to make maximum use of this generous benefit up to the mandatory limit of one watered down drink per employee due to corporate liability requirements.

 Have a Wonderful Holiday,  Everyone!   

And .... oh, yeah .....  

Best Wishes for a Happy and Healthy New Year Ahead!"

 

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