Verdict: Brian Williams!

DATELINE L.A. FOR 

PEOPLE COOLER THAN YOU

A Shocking Lack of Credibility!

June 14, 2015 ....  Dateline L.A. for People Cooler than You has learned that NBC has completed a comprehensive investigation regarding  former NBC Nightly News Anchor Brian Williams which has proven categorically that Mr. Williams has "misremembered" far more about his past than the incident in which he claimed to have been riding in a helicopter under fire in Iraq.

The NBC Investigation has revealed a staggering number of additional events Mr. Williams has "misremembered" including:

• Upon birth, Mr. Williams immediately spoke French, German, and Czech, though his use of the idiom in Czech was so-so.

• As quarterback of the high school football team,  Mr. Williams' mighty passing arm and expert play calling led his team to four straight undefeated seasons. With typical modesty, he credited the guys who "block on the line" and the scrawny equipment manager with making the sole difference that led to the championships.

• As a political science major at George Washington University,  Mr. Williams developed the concepts of divided government, separation of Church and state, res ipsa loquitur, corpus juris secundum , veni vidi vici, and Pig Latin.  

• Mr. Williams once threw himself on a live grenade to save a busload of children in Pakistan. That he was in New York at the time is notable.

• At a convention of Supermodels in Las Vegas at which he spoke in July 2009, Mr. Williams made passionate love to over 14 such models,  all of whom were quoted as saying that not only did Mr. Williams make the earth move, he made it twerk.

• Mr. Williams did in fact storm the Normany Beaches in France on June 6, 1944 by virtue of a time machine that he himself had fully conceived and single-handedly built in 2004.  He received both the Purple Heart and the Crayola Heart, which represents such valor it encompasses every color there is. 

• Mr. Williams gives 100% of his income to charity and lives in a small cardboard box under US I-95

The key finding of the NBC Investigation is that at the very time as all these actual and fully verified events were taking place, Mr. Williams was stating to others that he had been shopping for dental picks at Walmart! 

Based upon the investigation, President of NBC News Deborah Turness has stated that "Mr. Williams' shocking lack of credibility in claiming to be in Walmart while actually performing world-class heroic feats is certainly cause for immediate termination, but I have decided instead to reassign him to the position of announcer on the Jimmy Fallon Show, where night after night he will have to pretend that Mr. Fallon is funny." 

Dateline L.A. for People Cooler than You thinks this is apt punishment indeed for this phony baloney!  And BTW, Brian, ummm, you got any numbers left over from that time in Vegas?

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Captain Cautious Gets a Ding

Ah, for those carefree Dingless Days! 

I recently put a small ding in my one year old Toyota Camry. It's a bit of a blow for the man they now call Captain Cautious because of his "scrupulous to the point of wimp-like" driving due to the accident which precipitated purchase of the new car.

The Ding isn't that big, only about 1/4 of an inch long and not deep.  After all, that's why it's called a "ding." It's on the left front side panel of the car,  and most people couldn't find the Ding unless guided to it by Sacajawea.

But the Ding mocks and haunts me.  Day and night it calls out to me :

"DING! DING! DING, PERRY!  I am the DING you so carelessly and recklessly put in your almost brand new motor vehicle.  Loser, can't you keep anything nice? DING! DING! DING!"

Every morning the Ding greets me as if I were an old friend. Or more likely, an old enemy:

"DING! DING! DING! Good morning, Perry.  Hope you haven't forgotten me, your DING!  I can't believe you inflicted me upon your new Camry, the most trusted mid-size in America!  DING! DING! DING!"

As I drive away from my home, the Ding does not let up.  It holds forth with a glowing account of my complete and total driving ineptitude:

"DING! DING! DING!  Hello, Delaware Valley Drivers, one and all! I am the DING that the hapless driver behind the wheel imposed upon this virtually new but ill-fated Camry.  Avoid this idiot if you value your lives! DING!  DING!  DING!"

Now the Ding is intensifying, throbbing, growing ... it is two inches long and deep as a ditch ... three inches long and deeper than a crater ... 110 inches long and the Grand Canyon!!!  And now it resounds with a new voice, as though it is a schoolteacher on meth ringing the bell to call very tardy fifth graders to class: 

"DING DONG!  DING DONG!  DING DONG! 

Loser, Idiot, Douche Bag! 

DING DONG!  DING DONG!  DING DONG! " 

I round a corner trying to flee but it is no use.  I still hear the hideous Dinging of The Tell-Tale Ding!

"DING! DING! DING!  A new Hyundai and you, young lady, smash the hell out of the left side door panel!  You don't deserve the second most trusted mid-size in America!  DING! DING! DING!" 

Why, that wasn't for me .... no, coming my way is a light blue Sonata with a small ding in the side, being driven by a nervous looking young woman.  

 "DING DONG!  DING DONG!  DING DONG!" cries my Ding.

"DING! DING! DING!" screams hers.  

I wipe my brow and muster a smile, and she looks over and smiles back.  And suddenly all is silent. 

"Guess you and I need to fix these dings ASAP," I call to her.

"Maybe better we fix our heads first," she calls back.

I am not alone, and neither is she.  We are brothers. 

Brothers Under the Ding. 

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A Date with That Guy

A date with that guy?  Tonight even?

Eileen had recently met one Perry Block and since he seemed nice she said yes to his faltering invitation.  True, he was kind of old, kind of bald, and any looks he'd had must have been long in the rear view mirror, but why not?

He arrived at nine. Three or so hours later, her world was rocked!

Explosions!  Fireworks! Yes, the Earth damn near moved! 

Perry had gotten Eileen in the sack that night well before twelve o'clock! 

By dropping her off about 10:30 because of her "headache," so she could go to bed early.

It was New Year's Eve.

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Picture prompt above, story below, 101 words . ... well, yeah, the story's kind of  a cheat and maybe a bit obvious,  but I couldn't resist.  Probably better than if I'd given you a story about The Honeymooners or Love American Style, which might have been a bit long ago and far away except for Boomers who remember such things.

For more about this weeks Fabulous Flyin' Fantasy Fictioneers' offerings,  please click on the page of our very explosive leader, one Rochelle Wisoff Fields. 

The Earth will move for you too.