"The Tragedy of Julius Trump" by William Shakespeare

ACT I

Enter JULIUS TRUMP with BETSY DEVOSSIAN, and the members of the Senate GARIUS COHEN, DR. BENJAMIN CARSONIUS, STEVENUS MNUCHINIUS, JAREDIUS KUSHNER, and PAULUS RYAN.

Amongst the great crowd, a humble SOOTHSAYER approaches JULIUS TRUMP.

SOOTHSAYER

O Mighty Trump!  I must speak with you!

JULIUS TRUMP

Out of my way, knave!  I’m the only one here who is important!

 (Let’s establish character right away, folks!)

SOOTHSAYER

Beware the Ides of March.

JULIUS TRUMP

The eyes of March? Don’t you mean The Eyes of Laura Mars?

SOOTHSAYER

No, I doth not mean a lame 40 year old movie starring Tommy Lee Jones and Faye Dunaway.  I mean “The Ides of March!”

JULIUS TRUMP

Oh, I see. What are Ides?

SOOTHSAYER

March 15, Mighty Trump! 

(Mighty stupid Trump, that is!)

JULIUS TRUMP

What shall happen then? Another lying harlot shall dispute my troth?  Sad.

SOOTHSAYER

It’s even worse than a disputed troth, Mighty Trump.

JULIUS TRUMP

What could be worse than a disputed troth?

SOOTHSAYER

A deceased troth.

JULIUS TRUMP

Oy vay! Homina … homina …. Homina!

SOOTHSAYER

Art thou fraught with fear, Mighty Trump?

JULIUS TRUMP

Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant taste of death but once.

Unfortunately I had five draft deferments for a most deadly bone spur,

Which prohibited me from proving my valor,

But once I didst kill a small spider in the bathtub without passing out!

JULIUS TRUMP draws faithful BETSY DEVOSSIAN aside.

JULIUS TRUMP

Let me have men about me that are fat.

BETSY DEVOSSIAN

Fat as thou, Mighty Trump?

For I hath seen you playing tennis,

Wish I couldst unsee that!

JULIUS TRUMP

Of course not that fat!

The size perhaps of the 400 pound man on his bed

Who hath hacked into Crookedess Hilary’s e-mails.

BETSY DEVOSSIAN

Oh, only that fat!

But why does thou fear Garius Cohen?

JULIUS TRUMP

Yon Garius has a lean and hungry look;
Woudst that take him out for a steak dinner, good Betsy

And render him fat and contented?

BETSY DEVOSSIAN

Fear him not, Trump,
He is a noble Roman and well given.

Umm… you’re paying for the dinner, right?

JULIUS TRUMP

Would he were fatter! He reads much;

And reads books without pop-up pictures, as I love.
He looks quite through the deeds of men:

Though I don’t think he’s caught on to Stormius Danielius yet!

He loves no plays, as thou dost, De Vossian,

Though I didst hear he tried to get into Hamilton, too lean & hungry to afford!

Act II

It is the Ides of March.

JULIUS TRUMP enters the town square.  Across the square from him at the Capital are the members of the Senate.

SOOTHSAYER enters.

JULIUS TRUMP

 (To the Soothsayer)

Heh-Heh. The Ides of March are come. 

SOOTHSAYER

Ay, Trump; but not gone.

JULIUS TRUMP

You know … you got a point there!

SOOTHSAYER

You are a dummy, aren’t you?

GARIUS COHEN calls to Trump from the Senate.

GARIUS COHEN

Mighty Trump! Come join us.

JULIUS TRUMP

Sorry, Garius! Umm …Bone spurs acting up! 

Think I’ll take the day off.

Go home and watch Foxhuntias News.

PAULUS RYAN

We hath a most funny jest for thee, Mighty Trump. It’ll slay you!

JULIUS TRUMP

That's what I fear!

I must not tarry

I doth not want to miss Sean Hannitus!

STEVENUS MNUCHINIUS

C’mon, Mighty Trump, it’s a knock-knock joke!

JULIUS TRUMP

Okay, but just for a moment.

JULIUS TRUMP joins the others at the Senate

JULIUS TRUMP

Knock-knock …

GARIUS COHEN

O Trump!

JULIUS TRUMP

O Trump?  That’s a lousy punchline.

PAULUS TYAN

Great Trump!

JULIUS TRUMP

Yes, Paulus, there has never been one greater. Except the late great Alexander the Great, and I can be every bit as Emperorlidential as him any time I want. 

STEVIUS MNUCHIUS

Speak, hands for me!

MNUCHINUS stabs TRUMP.

JULIUS TRUMP

That's a big pair of hands you’re stabbing me with, Stevius! Guys … uh … are they bigger than mine?

DR. BENJAMIN CARSONIUS approaches JULIUS TRUMP and stabs him.

JULIUS TRUMP

You staying awake long enough to stab me, Carsonius? You are good with that scalpel after all.  Ooops, there goes my esophagus!

PAULUS RYAN stabs JULIUS TRUMP

JULIUS TRUMP

You too, Paulus? I preferred it when you were kissing my ass instead of carving it like Christmas dinner.    

All the conspirators come forth to stab TRUMP many times.

JULIUS TRUMP

Guys, remember when I said I could run into a school without a weapon and take on a crazed shooter?  Well, being stabbed to death isn’t so fun, so I guess being shot to death isn’t either. May I take that back please?

Conspirators continue to stab JULIUS TRUMP.  It’s like a Quentin Tarantino movie!

JULIUS TRUMP

This is the bloodiest assassination ever! In the entire history of Rome, there has never been a bloodier assassination!

GARIUS COHEN approaches JULIUS TRUMP and stabs him.

JULIUS TRUMP

What was it, Garius?  You hateth tariffs that much?

GARIUS COHEN

No, I just fucking can’t stand you!

JULIUS TRUMP

I am a loud mouth jerk, you’re right.  

Now JAREDIUS KUSHNER strides up to JULIUS TRUMP, looks him in the eye and stabs him.

JULIUS TRUMP

Et-tu, Kush-te?

JAREDIUS KUSHNER

Yes, I Et. I definitely Et!

JULIUS TRUMP

Then fall Trump.

JAREDIUS KUSHNER

OMG that might trigger a tsunami! (To dying Trump) I told you to lose that gut!

JULIUS TRUMP Dies. 

STEVIUS MNUCHINIUS

Liberty! Freedom! Enfranchisement!
Run hence, proclaim, and cry it among the streets!

GARIUS COHEN

Nah. We’ll just tweet it.

Finis.  Exeunt Omnes.

I hath struck down Julius Trump because he hath cutteth my allowance once I loseth my security clearance!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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All the World’s a Stage, with Commentary by a Regular Guy

All the World’s a Stage, 
by William Shakespeare

with commentary by a Regular Guy

From As You Like It. 
(I like it. I hope you will too!) 

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."

So how come we're not all being paid scale?

"They have their exits and their entrances." 

Exits and entrances? Doors opening and closing?  So life is like an English bedroom farce, like Noises Off?  

"And one man in his time plays many parts ..." 

You mean like Jerry Lewis in The Family Jewels?  I had no idea you Brits loved ol' Jer as much as the French! 

"His acts being seven ages."    

Seven ages?  Crap,I was counting on at least eight or nine.  I better hie me hither to yon bucket list ASAP!

"First the infant, mewling & puking in the nurse's arms." 

Oh, nurse!  If I were in your arms, I might be mewling but I sure as hell wouldn't be puking! 

“Then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel and shining morning face, creeping like snail unwillingly to school."

Verily, he creepeth like snail because his doggeth ate-eth his homework!

“And then the lover, sighing like furnace ..." 

Y'know, ‘sighing like furnace’ doesn't exactly grab me as the perfect simile for winning the heart of fair lady, unless she’s an electrical contractor. No wonder Shakespeare didn’t get many dates!  

"With a woeful ballad, made to his mistress' eyebrow." 

Really? You’re singing to your mistress’ eyebrow? Your woeful ballad might be aimed a couple of feet woefully too high, if you catch my drift. 

“Then a soldier, full of strange oaths and bearded likes the pard."

Don't worry, if those oaths include four letter words or start with the initials M and F, there’s nothing strange about ‘em at all. And hey, that's one cool beard, but you might want to trim it every now and six years. 
(And I googled "pard," Shakespeare. You're not going to one up me!)

“Jealous in honor, sudden and quick in quarrel …”

If you don’t mind, I'm gradual and slow in quarrel because I tend to get the shit kicked out of me otherwise. And I'm not jealous in honor although I am jealous of anyone who's got a jacuzzi.

"Seeking the bubble reputation, even in the cannon's mouth." 

Un-huh.  If it's all the same to you, maybe I could seek my bubble reputation by, say, winning the lottery instead of signing on to become cannon fodder?  

 

"And then the justice, in fair round belly with good capon lined."

Well, to tell you the truth my capon is not so good.  In fact, I actually have kind of a lousy capon, but at least it is fully lined.  And as for this fair round belly, I don't give a shit, I'm not giving up Coke!

“With eyes severe and beard of formal cut.” 

So you got your beard trimmed, and now you look like a member of the Highway Patrol?  Dude, it was just a suggestion. Hey, don't squint at me with those goddamn severe eyes!


"Full of wise saws and modern instances, and so he plays his part."

Wise saws?  Modern instances? Okay, here's one: "There once was a man from Nantucket ..." Yep, got my wise saws and modern instances all covered here!


"The sixth age slips into the lean and slippered Pantaloon."

Nice trim figure, you crazy Pantaloon you. Hey, even nicer slippers! You're pretty much all set now until you get to that time of life where you're missing all your parts, six quotations down.


"With spectacles on nose and pouch on side."

Hey, what’s in that pouch?  Is that what I think it is? What do you want for the pouch?  Sure, you can keep the spectacles.

"His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide for his shrunk shank." 

Well, there’s certainly a lot worse things to be shrunk than my shank! 


 "And his big manly voice, turning again toward childish treble, pipes and whistles in his sound."

Like Truman Capote?  Maybe I'll write me a best seller!

"Last scene of all, that ends this strange eventful history ….”

You mean the epilogue? Like in a cop show? Always my favorite part!  


“Is second childishness and mere oblivion." 

Childishness?  Gonna be great to be a kid again!  And it's also great to know I’m only facing mere oblivion, not total oblivion!  

"Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything." 

Well, at least I'm certainly not sans nose!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Say You Want a Resolution Part II

Have You Made Your List Yet?

Herein my list of resolutions for the New Year.   Have you made yours yet?   

Then what are you going to feel guilty about this time next year?

~~~~~~~

1) I will live bold, fearless, and unafraid.  I'd like to talk to you about it but you scare me. 

2) I will live outside my comfort zone at all times, my comfort zone being the hall bathroom.

3) I will begin to more prudently invest my money, starting with moving it out from inside my mattress.

4) I will hang with hot super models, including all the really hot super model trucks from Revell and Motor World. 

5) I will become totally gender neutral in my treatment of others, both men and babes alike.

6) I will visit the Philadelphia Art Museum often, because it's warm there.

7) I will make some new friends to compensate for the friends I have alienated this past year and then alienate them too.

8) I will get over my inferiority complex such that I will truly believe in myself, even though I am inferior.

9) I will be slow to criticize others unless they are standing on my foot.

10) I resolve to Carpe Diem each and every single day of my life! Also to take a long nap every day.

11)  I will only drink juice with no sugar added.  I'm getting enough sugar from my carton of Coke a day anyway. 

12) I resolve to stop procrastinating just as soon as I finish all my other resolutions.

13) I resolve that I will resign as President of the "Bill Cosby-America's Dad Association."

14) I will stop using the word "fuck" because it cheapens modern day discourse and shows a lack of creativity in usage of  the English language. However I will use "fucking" as much as possible. 

15) I will read all the plays authored by the great William Shakespeare right after I read a very credible article that convinces me that the great William Shakespeare didn't actually author any.

16) I will watch less television and spend less time on Twitter and will use the time I have saved doing drugs.

17) I will ask Seth Rogen and James Franco if they have any good non-offensive ideas for my blog.  

18) I will try to engage someone of an opposing political point of view in a meaningful, respectful, and constructive dialogue, even though most people of an opposing political viewpoint are idiots. 

19)  I will not make fun of the names Han Solo, Peter Parker, Jack Johnson,  or Hugh Jackman in the new year, so I'm going to go crazy making fun of them through midnight tomorrow night.

20) I will shop exclusively at Whole Foods from now on, not because I give a damn about healthy eating but because I'm much more likely to find well-preseved women my age there than at Super Fresh or Acme.

Have a Great New Year, Everyone!

~~~~~~~~~

Scorn Not Will Shakespeare

Da Man!

“To be or not to be? That is the question.”

"I'm going to go with 'not to be.'  Final answer."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~     

If you recognized the quotation above as from the pen of the immortal Bard of Avon, William Shakespeare, you are indeed correct, sir. If on the other hand, you identified it as a quote from the pen of, say, Henry Miller, don’t ever think of going on Jeopardy. Or Millionaire.

William Shakespeare, the immortal Bard, is recognized as the greatest playwright and poet the English language has ever known! Actually that sounds more impressive than it actually is. The English language has always been pretty much of a loner who frankly never knew all that many people, let alone hoity-toity poets and playwrights.

So you’d have to have gone to a birthday party for the English language to see if anybody showed up who was serious competition for Shakespeare. Did the English language even know Henry Miller?

Still, we can all agree that this Shakespeare guy was pretty good. In his scant 52 years of life, he authored some of the world’s greatest plays: Hamlet, Romeo and Juliet, Othello …. umm, umm …. did I mention Hamlet?

Of course, he had the occasional clunker. How many of you have ever gone to a high school production of Timon of Athens? Known by scholars worldwide as “Shakespeare’s MacGruber,” Timon of Athens has the distinction of being the only Shakespearean work ever made into a movie by Ed Wood --- that is, after he renamed it Plan 9 from Outer Space. (Note: There is some historical evidence this was in fact Shakespeare’s working title.)

But pay it no heed. To honor the man himself, we bring you a passel of passages (actually only two) from his most rib ticklin’ o’ works. So scorn not Will Shakespeare.

In fact, please give it up for him!


Hath not a Jew Eyes
From The Merchant of Venice, Act III, Scene I.
As spoken by Shylock the Jew.
(Yeah, I know. This was not particularly good for the Jews.)

“Hath not a Jew eyes?” ~ I hath, but they’re sunken and deep set and badly in need of an eye job.

“Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions?” ~ I hath at least 2 out of 6!

“Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons?” ~ Between the two of these,  I'd go with the one where you get corned beef.

“Subject to the same diseases?” ~ And me even more so, because I’m a hypochondriac!

“Healed by the same means?” ~ You mean you go to Dr. Schwartzman too?

“Warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer?” ~ Yeah, true, but we’re probably not vacationing at the same spots.

“If you prick us, do we not bleed?” ~ That's okay, no need to prick me to check this out.  Hey, don't you prick me, you prick!

“If you tickle us, do we not laugh?” ~ Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh you great big crazy gentile cutie pie, stop it!!

“If you poison us, do we not die?” ~ Again, really appreciate your offer but no demonstration necessary!

“And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?” ~ You betcha! Meet my good friend Mel Hirschman, Head of the Gentile Auditing Division of the United States Internal Revenue Service! Got a desk for him to work at?

Various and Sundry from Caesar
From Julius Caesar, roaming at random.
As spoken by Caesar and Mark Antony. Mark them well!

"Let me have men about me that are fat." ~ Governor Chris Christie? I said 'men who are fat,' not the great globe itself!

"Yon Cassius has a lean and hungry look." ~  Yon Cassius hath no doubt just come from either Olive Garden or Applebee's.  No wonder he's starved!

“Et tu, Brute?" ~ Well, Brutus, you sure as hell can forget about those Phillies tickets I promised!”

"O, pardon me, thou bleeding piece of earth ..." ~  Bleeding piece of earth? You might want to think about changing gardeners.

"And Caesar's spirit ranging for revenge, with Ate by his side come hot from Hell!" ~  Ate by his side? Actually we're thinking Ate might get his own show instead of staying on as Caesar's sidekick. 
  
"Friends, Romans, and Countrymen, lend me your ears!” ~ I promise to give them back but not before sticking them in my mouth, just like when I borrow a pencil.

“Did this in Caesar seem ambitious? Ambition should be made of sterner stuff.” ~ And in fact, right now, we’re showing marvelous results with Teflon!

“This was the noblest Roman of them all!” ~ But the one and only Chairman of the Board, ladies and gentleman, is still .... MR. FRANK SINATRA! 

And that's it! I hope you’ve enjoyed getting up close and personal with the immortal Bard of Avon.

Frankly, the guy’s one hell of a straight man!

~~~~~~~~~~