Self-Deprecating Man May Really Be As Incompetent As He Says

In the style of the Onion.*

Area man Perry Block has been known all throughout his life as a Master of Self-Deprecation.

He has rarely, if ever, made a positive statement of any kind about himself other than that he is "positively a loser."

At any time night or day, Mr. Block may launch into verbal self-criticism regarding his lack of ability to accomplish virtually anything, from carrying  liquids without spilling them to thinking on his feet without tripping over them to eating a meal without wearing it. When he won the hardly coveted Klaus Milken Award for Self-Deprecation in 2013, Mr. Block appropriately said in his acceptance speech that he did not deserve it.

Now, however, Mr. Block’s renown for claiming to be unrenowned is being questioned. A panel of researchers from the University of Pennsylvania led by Dr. Len Lewitsky studying Mr. Block for over a year has reached a startling conclusion: 

Mr. Block is not self-deprecating at all, but is every bit as inferior and incompetent as he has always claimed he was! 

"We never would have believed any human being could be as thoroughly inept as Mr. Block," said Dr. Lewitsky. "We've examined hundreds of instances of Mr. Block's behavior and have not found a single one evidencing him competently handling any situation of any kind at any time at anywhere."

 Some examples cited by the team include:

• Mr. Block routinely loses items he never had.

• Mr. Block was married for 27 years during which he kept coming home to the wrong house night after night where there lived a substantially worse looking wife than at his own house.

• Mr. Block puts on his pants on one leg at a time and still gets both legs in the same pant leg.

"Next we gave Mr. Block some very simple aptitude tests," said Dr. Lewitsky. "He was asked to place wooden blocks into the proper holes in which they fit. He sent them out to a tailor to be altered. Then he was given a word association test; none of the words wished to be associated with him.

Finally, we presented him with a Rorschach test, also known as an inkblot test. There are no right or wrong answers in tests such as these. Mr. Block saw two French fries copulating, which turns out to be wrong."

At press time, the team was still trying to make sense of their findings to confirm definitively whether Mr. Block has ever actually made a self-deprecating statement. Mr. Block was philosophical about the situation but somewhat concerned about the status of his Klaus Milken Award.

"Of course they're going to take away my award for Self-Deprecation,” he said. “After all, I was never very good at it." 

Chances are, he never was.

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*I didn't say as funny as the Onion, just in the style of.

Ring In The Not-So-New

In the style of  the Onion*

Speaking publicly today, area man Lance Goldberg stated that to his dismay he cannot ascertain that anything whatsoever has changed since 2014 ended and 2015 began.

"It's uncanny!" exclaimed Mr. Goldberg. "I was at a party recently where people were drinking and celebrating because the year 2014 was expiring and being replaced by new year 2015, and we watched throngs in Times Square in New York City cheering wildly as an enormous festively lit and decorated ball dropped through the night sky to signify the event."

"Naturally after all that hoopla, you'd expect all kinds of things to immediately change," said Goldberg, "but not a damn thing is different!"

"So what the hell were we celebrating? An arbitrary blip on the calendar?" 

According to Goldberg, the same scandals, corruption, and shootings are in the news in 2015 as in 2014. Kim Kardashian is still considered hot copy in 2015, just as in 2014. And most people are still saying "expresso" instead of "espresso" in 2015, just as in 2014.

"I am especially amazed that that those stupid quizzes like What Kind of Furball Are You? are still on Buzzfeed and other websites in 2015, just as in 2014," noted Goldberg.

Mr. Goldberg has painstakingly compiled a list of over 9,000 things that have remained the same in 2015 as in 2014, which includes the difficulty of pronouncing and spelling the name "Benedict Cumberbatch," Mr. Goldberg's own wife's highly disagreeable disposition, and how tricky it is to get lasagna stains out of crushed velvet.

"It's unbelievable but I have yet to find anything that has changed," commented Goldberg.  "Best I can determine is that maybe the normal massive annual changes sometimes skip a year and that when 2015 makes way for 2016, hold on to your hats!"

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 *I didn't say as good as the Onion, just in the style of. 

The Great Youth Serum Scam

                                                                                                                      In the style of  the Onion*

Youth Serum a Scam Protests Area Man, Now Only 15 Years Younger

Area Man Perry Block has reported that a so-called "youth serum" he purchased from an infomercial on late night television has turned out to be a scam.   Mr. Block stated to authorities that he only became younger by 14 or 15 years, not the 20 years promised.

"When I saw the infomerical starring former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson," said the formerly 64 year old from Havertown PA who is now 50 years old, "I naturally thought it was credible and 20 years off my age sounded agreeable enough. So I purchased the product for $9.99 and even called within 15 minutes and got the free measuring cup."

"Then I started using the serum and sure enough all my wrinkles vanished and I regrew most of my hair except  for a nickle sized spot in the back and I did look and feel  much better. But then one night I was making passionate love with a  25 year old model and after only about one hour, I simply wore out! 

"Can you imagine what kind of an excuse I would have had to come up with if she hadn't already passed out herself from sheer pleasure?"

Mr.  Block's doctor broke the cold, hard news to him:  Mr. Block was now only 50 years old, not the promised age of 44.

"Sadly, we see scams like this all the time," said consumer fraud attorney Roger Fortis. "I had a woman bought a set of kitchen utensils which promised to make her the gastronomical toast of four continents. Yes, she did become that, but what about New Zealand?  What about New Zealand?!"

"Perhaps saddest of all," said Attorney Fortis, "was the gentleman who bought Kevin Trudeau's book  Natural Cures "They" Don't Want You to Know About only to discover to his dismay that once he had read about the cures "they" didn't want him to know about, "they" only beat the crap out of him and left him for dead, but didn't actually kill him!"

Mr. Block is hoping to start a class action suit, but admits it will be difficult  to track down other aggrieved parties to join the suit when most of them are busily climbing Mt. Everest, training for the Decathlon,  and/or having sex with an endless array of supermodels for whom they haven't even bothered to prepare an excuse.

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 *I didn't say as good as the Onion, just in the style of!