Wednesday, December 7, 2011

A Very Grenchly Christmas

In the current tough economy, it's nice that many corporations are going the extra mile to display sensitivity towards employees fearful of losing their jobs and livelihoods. 

One such company is the Philadelphia area's world-famed Sunoco, which took the heart-warming step of announcing the expedited closing of its Marcus Hook PA plant on December 1, smack dab at the beginning of the Holiday Season. 

The annual Holiday Party is another way some companies are choosing to calm the jitters of employees in these difficult and sensitive times ....

"Welcome to the 2011 Annual  Grenchly Company Holiday Party!   As a rarefied few of you know, I'm Barton Grenchly, President and CEO of Grenchly Company. 

I wish I had the opportunity to get to know a small number of the remainder of you, but sadly the Penthouse Suite Offices are seven floors above the rest of the company, the elevator above the company floors  requiring a special key,  security code,  and ability to successfully body wrestle a 350 pound goon-like thug named Bungo in order to unlock, and there are only so many hours in the day, beginning with my being chauffeured in to work at 10:30 A.M. and airlifted  to the Forbidden Embers Golf Club in Palm Springs CA at 2:15  shortly thereafter.

As I look over the sea of unfamiliar and more or less unattractive faces before me, I want you  to know that I believe firmly that our employees are our most valuable asset! Also, your check is in the mail, I was just about to call you, and I won't .... well, I'll just leave it at that!

We have a delectable  array of foods and beverages catered for you tonight  by The House of Ptomaine, one of our fine Grenchly subsidiaries, and music for your dancing pleasure by the Mel Grenchly Five, a rather tuneless assemblage of non-talents which at least serves to keep my idiot nephew Mel out of the company.

Now I have just one final announcement before I bid you all an enjoyable party,  a wonderful evening, and a very joyous and happy Holiday Season.  Owing to extremely difficult conditions in the economy at large and at the Grenchly Company in specific ....  
  • Tables 1 through 14 will be downsized at the conclusion of the hors d'oeuvres, 
  • Tables 15 - 27 downsized  immediately following the main course,  and 
  • Tables 28 - 32 will have straight 25% salary reductions imposed across the board at the conclusion of coffee and dessert (a delicious strawberry souffle!) to remain in effect until probable downsizing  New Year's Eve Day,  Martin Luther King Day,  or Valentine's Day.
Please be advised that your Separation Agreements are being placed on your tables as we speak. 

Please sign and return ASAP as the Open Bar this evening is the primary component of your Separation Package,  and I'm sure you'll want to make maximum use of this generous benefit up to the mandatory limit of one watered down drink per employee due to corporate liability requirements.

 Have a Wonderful Holiday,  Everyone!   

And .... oh, yeah .....  

Best Wishes for a Happy and Healthy New Year Ahead!"

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