"The Tragedy of Julius Trump" by William Shakespeare

ACT I

Enter JULIUS TRUMP with BETSY DEVOSSIAN, and the members of the Senate GARIUS COHEN, DR. BENJAMIN CARSONIUS, STEVENUS MNUCHINIUS, JAREDIUS KUSHNER, and PAULUS RYAN.

Amongst the great crowd, a humble SOOTHSAYER approaches JULIUS TRUMP.

SOOTHSAYER

O Mighty Trump!  I must speak with you!

JULIUS TRUMP

Out of my way, knave!  I’m the only one here who is important!

 (Let’s establish character right away, folks!)

SOOTHSAYER

Beware the Ides of March.

JULIUS TRUMP

The eyes of March? Don’t you mean The Eyes of Laura Mars?

SOOTHSAYER

No, I doth not mean a lame 40 year old movie starring Tommy Lee Jones and Faye Dunaway.  I mean “The Ides of March!”

JULIUS TRUMP

Oh, I see. What are Ides?

SOOTHSAYER

March 15, Mighty Trump! 

(Mighty stupid Trump, that is!)

JULIUS TRUMP

What shall happen then? Another lying harlot shall dispute my troth?  Sad.

SOOTHSAYER

It’s even worse than a disputed troth, Mighty Trump.

JULIUS TRUMP

What could be worse than a disputed troth?

SOOTHSAYER

A deceased troth.

JULIUS TRUMP

Oy vay! Homina … homina …. Homina!

SOOTHSAYER

Art thou fraught with fear, Mighty Trump?

JULIUS TRUMP

Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant taste of death but once.

Unfortunately I had five draft deferments for a most deadly bone spur,

Which prohibited me from proving my valor,

But once I didst kill a small spider in the bathtub without passing out!

JULIUS TRUMP draws faithful BETSY DEVOSSIAN aside.

JULIUS TRUMP

Let me have men about me that are fat.

BETSY DEVOSSIAN

Fat as thou, Mighty Trump?

For I hath seen you playing tennis,

Wish I couldst unsee that!

JULIUS TRUMP

Of course not that fat!

The size perhaps of the 400 pound man on his bed

Who hath hacked into Crookedess Hilary’s e-mails.

BETSY DEVOSSIAN

Oh, only that fat!

But why does thou fear Garius Cohen?

JULIUS TRUMP

Yon Garius has a lean and hungry look;
Woudst that take him out for a steak dinner, good Betsy

And render him fat and contented?

BETSY DEVOSSIAN

Fear him not, Trump,
He is a noble Roman and well given.

Umm… you’re paying for the dinner, right?

JULIUS TRUMP

Would he were fatter! He reads much;

And reads books without pop-up pictures, as I love.
He looks quite through the deeds of men:

Though I don’t think he’s caught on to Stormius Danielius yet!

He loves no plays, as thou dost, De Vossian,

Though I didst hear he tried to get into Hamilton, too lean & hungry to afford!

Act II

It is the Ides of March.

JULIUS TRUMP enters the town square.  Across the square from him at the Capital are the members of the Senate.

SOOTHSAYER enters.

JULIUS TRUMP

 (To the Soothsayer)

Heh-Heh. The Ides of March are come. 

SOOTHSAYER

Ay, Trump; but not gone.

JULIUS TRUMP

You know … you got a point there!

SOOTHSAYER

You are a dummy, aren’t you?

GARIUS COHEN calls to Trump from the Senate.

GARIUS COHEN

Mighty Trump! Come join us.

JULIUS TRUMP

Sorry, Garius! Umm …Bone spurs acting up! 

Think I’ll take the day off.

Go home and watch Foxhuntias News.

PAULUS RYAN

We hath a most funny jest for thee, Mighty Trump. It’ll slay you!

JULIUS TRUMP

That's what I fear!

I must not tarry

I doth not want to miss Sean Hannitus!

STEVENUS MNUCHINIUS

C’mon, Mighty Trump, it’s a knock-knock joke!

JULIUS TRUMP

Okay, but just for a moment.

JULIUS TRUMP joins the others at the Senate

JULIUS TRUMP

Knock-knock …

GARIUS COHEN

O Trump!

JULIUS TRUMP

O Trump?  That’s a lousy punchline.

PAULUS TYAN

Great Trump!

JULIUS TRUMP

Yes, Paulus, there has never been one greater. Except the late great Alexander the Great, and I can be every bit as Emperorlidential as him any time I want. 

STEVIUS MNUCHIUS

Speak, hands for me!

MNUCHINUS stabs TRUMP.

JULIUS TRUMP

That's a big pair of hands you’re stabbing me with, Stevius! Guys … uh … are they bigger than mine?

DR. BENJAMIN CARSONIUS approaches JULIUS TRUMP and stabs him.

JULIUS TRUMP

You staying awake long enough to stab me, Carsonius? You are good with that scalpel after all.  Ooops, there goes my esophagus!

PAULUS RYAN stabs JULIUS TRUMP

JULIUS TRUMP

You too, Paulus? I preferred it when you were kissing my ass instead of carving it like Christmas dinner.    

All the conspirators come forth to stab TRUMP many times.

JULIUS TRUMP

Guys, remember when I said I could run into a school without a weapon and take on a crazed shooter?  Well, being stabbed to death isn’t so fun, so I guess being shot to death isn’t either. May I take that back please?

Conspirators continue to stab JULIUS TRUMP.  It’s like a Quentin Tarantino movie!

JULIUS TRUMP

This is the bloodiest assassination ever! In the entire history of Rome, there has never been a bloodier assassination!

GARIUS COHEN approaches JULIUS TRUMP and stabs him.

JULIUS TRUMP

What was it, Garius?  You hateth tariffs that much?

GARIUS COHEN

No, I just fucking can’t stand you!

JULIUS TRUMP

I am a loud mouth jerk, you’re right.  

Now JAREDIUS KUSHNER strides up to JULIUS TRUMP, looks him in the eye and stabs him.

JULIUS TRUMP

Et-tu, Kush-te?

JAREDIUS KUSHNER

Yes, I Et. I definitely Et!

JULIUS TRUMP

Then fall Trump.

JAREDIUS KUSHNER

OMG that might trigger a tsunami! (To dying Trump) I told you to lose that gut!

JULIUS TRUMP Dies. 

STEVIUS MNUCHINIUS

Liberty! Freedom! Enfranchisement!
Run hence, proclaim, and cry it among the streets!

GARIUS COHEN

Nah. We’ll just tweet it.

Finis.  Exeunt Omnes.

I hath struck down Julius Trump because he hath cutteth my allowance once I loseth my security clearance!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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The Ides Have It

Well, this has been a terrible day!

The Ides Have It
from Julius Caesar
Act III, Scene 1

(a/k/a The Gory Part)

(A crowd of people are on the stage, among them the Soothsayer.  Enter Caesar on his way to the Capitol. Brutus, Cassius, Casca, Decius, Cinna, and other conspirators are already at the Capitol awaiting Caesar.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caesar:  Ah, you are the soothsayer who didst tell me previously to "Beware the Ides of March," are you not?

Soothsayer:  Aye, Caesar, you have a memory for grimy and misshapen faces like mine, I'll say that much.

Caesar: Well, looks like I'm in the clear now, grimy and misshapen! The Ides of March are come. 

Soothsayer:  Aye, Caesar, but not gone! 

Caesar:  'Aye, Caesar, but not ...'hey, you've got a point there!

Soothsayer:   You've got 15 hours to kill, Caesar, til the end of the day.  Oh, gee - 'kill Caesar.' Poor choice of words! 

Caesar:  Ya think?

Soothsayer: Sorry, Caesar.

Caesar: Maybe I'll take the scenic route today to the Capitol .... by way of Carthage!

Cassius:  (calling from the Capitol) Caesar, hurry up, we're waiting for you! We've got a murderous schedule today. 

Caesar:  Another wonderful word choice!  Just a minute, Cassius; say, why don't you grab some coffee and a doughnut first? You have a lean and hungry look today.

Brutus:  Hurry up, Mighty Caesar, we have an important vote scheduled on Octaviuscare. 

Caesar: Et tu,  Brutus? Well, I'm still thinking Octaviuscare over.Tell you what, I'll go home, bone up, maybe watch Foxhunt news, and come back tomorrow.

Brutus:  The vote has got to be today, Caesar. Gaius Cruzus doth oppose us.

Caesar:  How much time have I used up, Soothsayer?  Five or six hours?

Soothsayer: 47 seconds, Caesar.

Caesar: Oww!! Owww!!! There's a pebble in my sandal the size of the Rock of Gibraltar!  I can't go to work today.

Soothsayer:  No, that's just the size of a very small pea, Caesar.

Caesar:  You're helping me, right, Soothsayer?

Cassius:  All of us will come down and carry you to the Capitol, Caesar!

Caesar:  No thanks, fellas! I get nauseous when being carried by a pack of guys, especially if I'm riding on the two or three guys carrying me in the back seat. 

Soothsayer:  They're coming, Caesar.

Caesar:  No, no, no,  guys! Think I'll go to the hospital, they'll probably want to keep me overnight for observation, my foot is swelling like the word count in a Shakespeare play. 

Soothsayer:  They raiseth you aloft, Caesar! 

Caesar:  Yeah, and I'm already nauseous.  How's all this going to work out f or me, Soothsayer?

Soothsayer:  Let me put it this way: it's going to makes Tarantino look like Disney.

Caesar: Farewell, good Soothsayer! Cowards die many times before their deaths, the valiant never taste of death but once.

Soothsayer: That's beautiful, Caesar.

Caesar: Thank you. The  problem is that I'm about as valiant as the guy who surrenders to the French Army the day before the war begins.

Cassius: Caesar, we thought you might like a haircut and a shave before the Senate convenes.

Caesar:  Okay, just take a little off the top but leave the internal organs long.

Casca:  Speak, hands, for me!

Caesar: Casca, does that mean you've taken up signing? 

(Brutus, Cassius, Decius, Cinna, Casca and other conspirators move in with daggers drawn.) 

Caesar: Nope.  Looks like I'm wrong about that one.

Soothsayer:  Caesar, do you have any messages you'd like me to convey before you're turned into chopped chicken liver?

Caesar: Yes, Soothsayer.  Tell Shakespeare I hope he at least gets a hit out of it.

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then Fall Caesar (FF)

FF-Flash Fiction

Scene:  Rome, the Capitol, the year 44 BC.

Caesar:  Et tu, Brute? Then fall Caesar!

Cinna:  Liberty! Freedom! Tyranny is dead! 

Cassius: Uh, not so fast, Cinna.  Now that I think of it, Caesar wasn't all that bad a guy.

Decius:  Now you tell us!

Cassius: He was always buying us drinks, handing us free tickets to the Coliseum, fixing us up with friends of Cleopatra ...

Casca: Maybe we can glue him back together?

Lepidus: What do we do, Brutus?

Brutus: I've got it!  When I address the rabble, I'm going to say "Friends, Romans, and Countrymen, lend me your ears.  I'm also going to need a torso. And some legs. And a head."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Above is a rare reproduction of the first draft of a key scene from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar which only goes to prove that even with Shakespeare, as with all writers, the first draft is always shit.

I was fortunate to find this excerpt so as to be able to avoid writing my own contribution for Friday Fictioneers this week based on the prompt above. There are many other noble contributors to the Forum this week proclaiming their own works for the prompt, however, and you can beseech them all by clicking here.

As for me, well, humor should be made of funnier stuff!   I'll try not to lean so much on the Bard next week and endeavor to develop my own personal very shitty first draft instead. 

Brain Fart!

Ooops!

In a week of truly terrible news,  Governor Rick Perry's brain fart at the Republican Presidential hopefuls' debate last Wednesday night served as a sort of comic relief for the nation. 

So comic in fact that Governor Perry went and did a Letterman Top Ten List on Thursday night in an attempt at damage control for stammering, stumbling, and appearing like a total idiot in front of the national television audience when called upon to state what he supposedly believes in with all his heart and soul.

Brain freeze?  Yes, you or I (especially you!)  could easily forget our own names if called upon to debate governmental policy in front of millions.  But we don't want to be President of the United States!

You do?  Shut up, you're ruining this bit!

What happens when President Perry has a brain fart when his finger is on the button and he forgets what country he's supposed to destroy?  Hopefully he'll have had an earlier brain fart and the only button he'll have his finger on will be on his belly!

Just imagine the impact a badly timed brain fart might have had on great historical events:


Friend, Romans, and Countrymen,  lend me your .... umm ..... uhhh .... lawnmower!  .... no, that's not it .... buck fifty for a cup of coffee .... no, that's not right .... seersucker sports coat, I've got a hot date on Friday! ...... nah, not it .... ooops! 

 Mark Antony,  Julius Caesar, Act III, Scene II 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me. ... umm .... uhhhh .... a set of Samsonite luggage!  .... no, that's not it ....  a new car!  Yes, Patrick, you'll be the talk of the town behind the wheel of  .... no, that's not right .... sorry, Patrick, but we have some fine parting gifts ..... nah, not it .... ooops!

Patrick Henry, Virginia Convention, March 23, 1775

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that .... umm .... uhhhh .... girls just wanna have fun, they just wanna, they just wanna! .... no, that's not it ....  I'm lovin it! .... no, that's not right .... why don't we do it in the road? .... nah, not it .... ooops! 

Abraham Lincoln,  The Gettysburg Address, November 19, 1863

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brain farts, so you see,  can be kind of risky if you aspire to greatness.

Politicians should best stick to the other type of fart.  

Frankly, with what's coming out of Washington,  we're all used to the smell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
 

Scorn Not Will Shakespeare

Da Man!

“To be or not to be? That is the question.”

"I'm going to go with 'not to be.'  Final answer."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~     

If you recognized the quotation above as from the pen of the immortal Bard of Avon, William Shakespeare, you are indeed correct, sir. If on the other hand, you identified it as a quote from the pen of, say, Henry Miller, don’t ever think of going on Jeopardy. Or Millionaire.

William Shakespeare, the immortal Bard, is recognized as the greatest playwright and poet the English language has ever known! Actually that sounds more impressive than it actually is. The English language has always been pretty much of a loner who frankly never knew all that many people, let alone hoity-toity poets and playwrights.

So you’d have to have gone to a birthday party for the English language to see if anybody showed up who was serious competition for Shakespeare. Did the English language even know Henry Miller?

Still, we can all agree that this Shakespeare guy was pretty good. In his scant 52 years of life, he authored some of the world’s greatest plays: Hamlet, Romeo and Juliet, Othello …. umm, umm …. did I mention Hamlet?

Of course, he had the occasional clunker. How many of you have ever gone to a high school production of Timon of Athens? Known by scholars worldwide as “Shakespeare’s MacGruber,” Timon of Athens has the distinction of being the only Shakespearean work ever made into a movie by Ed Wood --- that is, after he renamed it Plan 9 from Outer Space. (Note: There is some historical evidence this was in fact Shakespeare’s working title.)

But pay it no heed. To honor the man himself, we bring you a passel of passages (actually only two) from his most rib ticklin’ o’ works. So scorn not Will Shakespeare.

In fact, please give it up for him!


Hath not a Jew Eyes
From The Merchant of Venice, Act III, Scene I.
As spoken by Shylock the Jew.
(Yeah, I know. This was not particularly good for the Jews.)

“Hath not a Jew eyes?” ~ I hath, but they’re sunken and deep set and badly in need of an eye job.

“Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions?” ~ I hath at least 2 out of 6!

“Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons?” ~ Between the two of these,  I'd go with the one where you get corned beef.

“Subject to the same diseases?” ~ And me even more so, because I’m a hypochondriac!

“Healed by the same means?” ~ You mean you go to Dr. Schwartzman too?

“Warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer?” ~ Yeah, true, but we’re probably not vacationing at the same spots.

“If you prick us, do we not bleed?” ~ That's okay, no need to prick me to check this out.  Hey, don't you prick me, you prick!

“If you tickle us, do we not laugh?” ~ Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh you great big crazy gentile cutie pie, stop it!!

“If you poison us, do we not die?” ~ Again, really appreciate your offer but no demonstration necessary!

“And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?” ~ You betcha! Meet my good friend Mel Hirschman, Head of the Gentile Auditing Division of the United States Internal Revenue Service! Got a desk for him to work at?

Various and Sundry from Caesar
From Julius Caesar, roaming at random.
As spoken by Caesar and Mark Antony. Mark them well!

"Let me have men about me that are fat." ~ Governor Chris Christie? I said 'men who are fat,' not the great globe itself!

"Yon Cassius has a lean and hungry look." ~  Yon Cassius hath no doubt just come from either Olive Garden or Applebee's.  No wonder he's starved!

“Et tu, Brute?" ~ Well, Brutus, you sure as hell can forget about those Phillies tickets I promised!”

"O, pardon me, thou bleeding piece of earth ..." ~  Bleeding piece of earth? You might want to think about changing gardeners.

"And Caesar's spirit ranging for revenge, with Ate by his side come hot from Hell!" ~  Ate by his side? Actually we're thinking Ate might get his own show instead of staying on as Caesar's sidekick. 
  
"Friends, Romans, and Countrymen, lend me your ears!” ~ I promise to give them back but not before sticking them in my mouth, just like when I borrow a pencil.

“Did this in Caesar seem ambitious? Ambition should be made of sterner stuff.” ~ And in fact, right now, we’re showing marvelous results with Teflon!

“This was the noblest Roman of them all!” ~ But the one and only Chairman of the Board, ladies and gentleman, is still .... MR. FRANK SINATRA! 

And that's it! I hope you’ve enjoyed getting up close and personal with the immortal Bard of Avon.

Frankly, the guy’s one hell of a straight man!

~~~~~~~~~~