ACT I
Enter JULIUS TRUMP with BETSY DEVOSSIAN, and the members of
the Senate GARIUS COHEN, DR. BENJAMIN
CARSONIUS, STEVENUS MNUCHINIUS, JAREDIUS KUSHNER, and PAULUS RYAN.
Amongst the great crowd, a humble SOOTHSAYER
approaches JULIUS TRUMP.
SOOTHSAYER
O Mighty Trump! I must speak with you!
JULIUS TRUMP
Out of my way, knave! I’m
the only one here who is important!
(Let’s establish character right away, folks!)
SOOTHSAYER
Beware the Ides of March.
JULIUS TRUMP
The eyes of March? Don’t you mean The Eyes of Laura Mars?
SOOTHSAYER
No, I doth not mean a lame 40 year old movie starring Tommy Lee Jones and
Faye Dunaway. I mean “The Ides of March!”
JULIUS TRUMP
Oh, I see. What are Ides?
SOOTHSAYER
March 15, Mighty Trump!
(Mighty stupid Trump, that is!)
JULIUS TRUMP
What shall happen then? Another lying harlot shall dispute my troth? Sad.
SOOTHSAYER
It’s even worse than a disputed troth, Mighty Trump.
JULIUS TRUMP
SOOTHSAYER
A deceased troth.
JULIUS TRUMP
Oy vay! Homina … homina …. Homina!
SOOTHSAYER
Art thou fraught with fear, Mighty
Trump?
JULIUS TRUMP
Cowards die
many times before their deaths;
The valiant taste of death but once.
The valiant taste of death but once.
Unfortunately I had five draft deferments for a
most deadly bone spur,
Which prohibited me from proving my valor,
But once I didst kill a small spider in the
bathtub without passing out!
JULIUS TRUMP
Let me have men about me that are fat.
BETSY DEVOSSIAN
Fat as thou, Mighty Trump?
For I hath seen you playing tennis,
Wish I couldst unsee that!
JULIUS TRUMP
Of course not that fat!
The size perhaps of the 400 pound man on his bed
Who hath hacked into Crookedess Hilary’s e-mails.
BETSY DEVOSSIAN
Oh, only that fat!
But why does thou fear Garius Cohen?
Yon Garius has a lean and hungry look;
Woudst that take him out for a steak dinner, good Betsy
Woudst that take him out for a steak dinner, good Betsy
And render him fat and contented?
BETSY DEVOSSIAN
Fear him not, Trump,
He is a noble Roman and well given.
He is a noble Roman and well given.
Umm… you’re paying for
the dinner, right?
JULIUS TRUMP
Would he were fatter! He reads much;
And reads books without
pop-up pictures, as I love.
He looks quite through the deeds of men:
He looks quite through the deeds of men:
Though I don’t think he’s caught on to Stormius Danielius yet!
Though I didst hear he tried to get into Hamilton, too lean & hungry to afford!
Act II
It is the Ides of March.
JULIUS TRUMP enters the town square. Across the square from him at the Capital are
the members of the Senate.
SOOTHSAYER
enters.
JULIUS TRUMP
(To the Soothsayer)
Heh-Heh. The Ides of March are come.
SOOTHSAYER
Ay, Trump; but not gone.
JULIUS TRUMP
You know … you got a point there!
SOOTHSAYER
You are a dummy, aren’t you?
GARIUS
COHEN calls to Trump from the Senate.
GARIUS COHEN
Mighty Trump! Come join us.
JULIUS TRUMP
Sorry, Garius! Umm …Bone spurs acting up!
Think I’ll take the day off.
Go home and watch Foxhuntias News.
PAULUS RYAN
We
hath a most funny jest for thee, Mighty Trump. It’ll slay you!
JULIUS TRUMP
That's what I fear!
I must not tarry
I doth not want to miss Sean Hannitus!
STEVENUS MNUCHINIUS
C’mon, Mighty Trump,
it’s a knock-knock joke!
JULIUS TRUMP
Okay, but just for a
moment.
JULIUS TRUMP joins the others at the Senate
JULIUS TRUMP
Knock-knock …
GARIUS COHEN
O Trump!
JULIUS TRUMP
O Trump? That’s a lousy punchline.
PAULUS TYAN
Great Trump!
JULIUS TRUMP
Yes, Paulus, there has
never been one greater. Except the late great Alexander the Great, and I can be
every bit as Emperorlidential as him any
time I want.
STEVIUS MNUCHIUS
Speak, hands for me!
MNUCHINUS stabs TRUMP.
JULIUS TRUMP
That's a big pair
of hands you’re stabbing me with, Stevius! Guys … uh … are they bigger than
mine?
DR. BENJAMIN CARSONIUS approaches
JULIUS TRUMP and stabs him.
JULIUS TRUMP
You staying awake long enough to stab me, Carsonius? You are good with that scalpel after
all. Ooops, there goes my esophagus!
PAULUS RYAN stabs JULIUS TRUMP
JULIUS TRUMP
You too, Paulus? I preferred it when you were kissing my ass instead of
carving it like Christmas dinner.
All the conspirators come forth to stab TRUMP
many times.
JULIUS TRUMP
Guys,
remember when I said I could run into a school without a weapon and take on a
crazed shooter? Well, being stabbed to
death isn’t so fun, so I guess being shot to death isn’t either. May I take
that back please?
Conspirators continue to
stab JULIUS TRUMP. It’s like a Quentin
Tarantino movie!
JULIUS TRUMP
This is the bloodiest assassination ever! In the entire history of Rome, there has never been
a bloodier assassination!
GARIUS COHEN approaches JULIUS TRUMP and stabs
him.
JULIUS TRUMP
What was it, Garius? You hateth
tariffs that much?
GARIUS COHEN
No, I just fucking can’t stand you!
JULIUS TRUMP
I am a loud mouth jerk, you’re right.
Now JAREDIUS KUSHNER strides up to JULIUS TRUMP, looks him in the
eye and stabs him.
JULIUS TRUMP
Et-tu, Kush-te?
JAREDIUS KUSHNER
Yes, I Et. I definitely Et!
JULIUS TRUMP
Then fall Trump.
JAREDIUS KUSHNER
OMG that might trigger a tsunami! (To dying Trump) I told you to lose that gut!
JULIUS TRUMP Dies.
STEVIUS MNUCHINIUS
Liberty! Freedom! Enfranchisement!
Run hence, proclaim, and cry it among the streets!
Run hence, proclaim, and cry it among the streets!
GARIUS COHEN
Nah. We’ll just tweet it.
Finis. Exeunt Omnes.
I hath struck down Julius Trump because he hath cutteth my allowance once I loseth my security clearance!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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