Yep, tiny Christmas balls to go with his tiny hands.
This holiday
season 2017 will be the very first in many a year that Americans will be free
to wish each other a “Merry Christmas!”
Instead of
the bland politically correct “Happy Holidays."
I never
realized we haven’t been able to wish each other “Merry Christmas” all along, but
that’s what Donald Trump says and I take him at his word, even though it
has never been good before.
So I set out
to be the first to spread some newly liberated Christmas cheer.
“Merry Christmas, Debbie!” I exclaimed cheerfully. “I wish you a
“Joyeux Noel!”
“Why, thank you,
Perry, but … “
“But what,
Debbie? We’re finally able to say these
words right out loud without fear of liberal reprisals! Sing with me: ‘Joy to
the world the Lord has come, Let Earth receive their…’”
“But aren't I kind of a strange person for you to exercise your new
found freedom with?”
“Why’s that?”
“Oh, yeah. Guess I got overexcited, Rabbi. I’ll try it on someone else.”
I picked up
the phone and punched in a number.
“Hello,” I
said, “I’ve long been a great fan of yours and I wanted to wish you 'Merry
Christmas!'
“You’re wishing
me a 'Merry Christmas?'”
“Yes, indeed. This is the first year I’ve been able to wish
anyone Merry Christmas in a long time.”
“I see.”
“C’mon, sing
with me: “Good King Weseslas looked out on the feast of Steven …' Why aren’t you
singing?"
“Because I’m Kareem Abdul Jabbar. I’m hanging
up now, friend.”
Another fail! But the way Trump talks about saying “Merry
Christmas” it’s the most important event in our culture since he last changed
the batteries in Melania.
Suddenly I
had it! Somebody who would be thrilled
to hear the words “Merry Christmas” once again.
I punched in
another number on my phone.
“Hello, Santa?"
“Yes, this
is Claus.”
“I just
wanted to wish you something I know you haven’t heard in many years.”
“What’s
that?”
“Merry Christmas, Santa!
C’mon, sing with me “You better not cry, you better not pout ...”
“OMG! Shut the fuck up!”
“Shut up? But why?”
“That’s all
I ever hear all year long:
Merry Christmas, Santa! Merry Christmas,
St. Nick! Merry Christmas, Kris Kringle!
"Merry Christmas, my ass!"
"But
President Trump said …"
“You’re
going to listen to that moron? He’s so stupid he’s still sending me a list
every year!”
“Well, instead
of ‘Merry Christmas’ what would you like me to wish you, Santa?”
“Isn’t it
obvious, dude?”
“Happy Holidays?”
“You got it.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5 comments:
Nice post, Perry. My favorite line was "since he last changed the batteries in Melania." She does appear rather robotic. I wonder if she's programmed to scream, "Yes! Yes!" when he tells her how wonderful he is. Perhaps you should order a playmate like that.
I already have one, but she screams "no! no!" The factory says they're made to be realistic so there's nothing they can do about it. Let me be the first to wish you a "Fuck Trump." That's a greeting for all seasons.
We all know it's ridiculous, but now we can laugh about it. Thanks Perry.
Thanks, Dawn. I say "Merry Christmas" all the time to Jews and Gentiles alike. The only person I would never say it too is Trump. He should "have a lousy Christmas!"
This is actually really funny, although I really don’t want to comment on political interests, you should really share more of these at other places.
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