Nobody's that desperate!
For we secular Jews who are long on Jewish heritage but short on religious practice, the summer can be a strange time.
There are no major Jewish holidays from June to September to ground us religiously, which tends to leave some of us feeling ... well ... not quite Jewish enough!
"Charlie, glad you came over, " I said to my similarly secularly-oriented friend last Friday night. "What would you like to do?"
"How about we watch The Daily Show?" said Charlie.
"Nah," I answered. "That John Oliver is good, but it just isn't the same without Jon Stewart."
"I agree. Maybe there's a good film we can watch. You know, I'd like to see a Judd Apatow movie, maybe Funny People is on HBO?"
"You mean the one with Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, and Jason Schwartzman? Pity, doesn't look like it's on."
"Crap! Well, we could catch some re-runs of Seinfeld. They're always on."
"No, they seem to be off. "
"There's gotta be something to watch!" grumbled Charlie.
"Oh my God!" I gasped. "I just realized something!"
"What is it?"
"It's summer, and I don't feel Jewish enough!"
"You're right! What can we do?"
"I'll check the cable listings again. There's got to be a Ben Stiller movie on!"
"Yes, he comes out with one every couple of weeks."
"I can't even find DodgeBall, the Movie! No Ben Stiller movie. What are the odds?"
"Larry King! Check out Larry King!"
"Don't you remember? He was replaced by Piers Morgan."
"Then look up Maury Povich! Jerry Springer! Donny Deutsch!"
"Charlie, nobody's that desperate for a Jewish experience."
"Well then put on C-Span. Maybe we can luck into Chuck Schumer or Barbara Boxer. I'd settle for Eric Cantor!"
"Oh no, look! It's a meeting of the North Dakota Congressional Delegation. You can't get more gentile than that. "
"I think I've got an idea, Perry."
"Anything! Out with it!"
"Why don't we go to synagogue?"
"You know ... that's a pretty good idea. And look at this."
"When we get back, there's a Three Stooges film festival at 10:00!"
So where are all my liberal/secular/agnostic/etc. Jewish friends here? Pretending you're so pious & don't relate to this?
You should be ashamed of yourselves!
You Jews have it all. I can't even think of a clever comeback.
No one ever says, "Hey, did you see the new movie with the all Gentile cast?"
Or, "See how small her nose is? She's one hot Gentile."
No, you're wrong. I am constantly saying "see how small her nose is." Sadly, I'm usually referring to Barbara Streisand.
Post a Comment