Saturday, June 15, 2013

Coca-Cola Cold Turkey

It's true.

Coca-Cola has been my constant companion throughout my life. I love the clean crisp kick to the throat that only Coca-Cola provides.

But at my last dental checkup, the inside of my mouth was termed so deplorable it warranted a full-blown response from FEMA.

"If you want to keep your teeth,” my dentist warned me, “you must give up Coca-Cola!"

"But why, doctor? You don't need teeth to enjoy Coke."

From those early days when Coke came in returnable glass bottles to the stupefying introduction and speedy crash and burn of New Coke to the modern day incarnation of multiple Coke products like as Vanilla Coke, Coke Zero, and Coke with Chocolate Morsels, Coca-Cola and I have been inseparable.
But medical science now tells us that my beloved beverage causes legions of ill effects even beyond tooth decay.  When you first drink a Coke, ten entire teaspoons of sugar blast your system.  That’s enough sweetness to power “Good Morning America” for six months.
Caffeine next floods your brain, leading you to stay up all night writing term papers, reorganizing every closet in your house, or driving to Nova Scotia. Ensuing chemical reactions fry your brain and body in a manner so bad for your health it’s a wonder there aren’t hazmat warnings on the side of the can.
So how to live without that incredibly refreshing pause that refreshes?
I could drink water Ice cold water may be okay if you’ve just hiked across the Sahara; otherwise a glass of water has all the allure of sex with a chick from a Norman Rockwell painting.

I could drink juice. Orange juice and grapefruit juice are indeed simpatico with pancakes and eggs and bagels, but after 9:00 AM?  Orange juice and corned beef?  To me, that just isn’t kosher!
I could drink Perrier with a twist of lemon.  I could wear a beret, sit in a corner cafe, and feign sophistication and savoir faire. Nah, my most profound perception about life so far has been how to get more Coca-Cola into it.
But I don’t want to rival father of our country George First in War, Last in Teeth” Washington when it comes to dental well-being.
So, I'm going Coca-Cola Cold Turkey!  
From now on Things will Go Better with water.  Or juice.
 Or even a beret.
Am I serious about this?

Sweet and Carbonated Dreams, Perry!


marie bo said...

you could try drinking it through a straw...

Perry Block said...

I'm going to have shoot it up, I guess.

Russell said...

Bummer. I can see you're going through withdrawals before you even finished the cup you're squeezing with white knuckles. I'll email you a short story I think you can relate too.

Perry Block said...

Send me anything to stop me thinking about pure liquid refreshment!