Saturday, June 15, 2013

Coca-Cola Cold Turkey


Heaven, I'm in Heaven ...


Why?  Because ...  
Things Go Better with Coca-ColaIt's the Real Thing, I'd Like to Buy the World a Coke and Keep It Company, Coke Adds Life,  Have a Coke and a SmileHey Kid, Catch!, Open Happiness, and just plain old


 Enjoy Coca-Cola!

That's why.  I love the sparkly refreshing stuff.  Always have, always will.

But now, the Greatest Love of All is in serious peril.  My last dental checkup has resulted in my mouth warranting a full-blown response from FEMA, and my dentist Dr. Kropotkin has made an audacious, almost unthinkable demand upon me.

"Perry," he said, "if you want to keep your teeth, you must give up Coca-Cola!"

"But why, doctor?"  I protested.  "You don't need teeth to enjoy Coke!"

"Be serious!  You are one step away from Clark Gable teeth!"

Clark Gable teeth!!!  The famed actor had a full set of dentures throughout his entire movie career.  Not that I'd  normally mind  being compared to the likes of Clark Gable, but when it comes to teeth I wouldn't want to be compared to First in War, First in Peace, Father of Our Country George Washington either!

Coca-Cola has been with me my entire life.  From those early days when Coke came in returnable glass bottles to the stupefying introduction and speedy reversal of New Coke  in 1985 to the modern day incarnation of multiple Coke products for every taste and temperament,  there have been but two constants throughout: the unsurpassed flavor of the original  formula and me drinking the shit out of the stuff.  

Don't try to hand me a Pepsi or an RC!  They are poseurs, frauds, confederate colas!  I'll  pass any taste test you throw at me --- blind, double blind, or deaf, dumb, and blind! Even in a quiet vibration land, I'd know the difference.

So how to live without that clean crisp delicious kick to the throat and mouth?  How to bypass that incredibly refreshing pause that refreshes whenever  I pause to refresh,  which can be as many as 3 or 4 times a day but who's counting other than Dr. Kropotkin?

Well, I could drink water Ice cold water after you've hiked 3000 miles across the Gobi Desert is kind of okay, but otherwise drinking a glass of water has all the allure of sex with a woman out of a Norman Rockwell painting. 

I could drink juice. Orange juice, grapefruit juice, and the like are indeed sympatico with pancakes and eggs and bagels and cereal, but what about after 9:00 AM? Orange juice with a corned beef sandwich? I'd be drummed out of Judaism! 

I could drink Perrier with a twist of lemon. That actually has kind of an appeal  as I could wear a beret, sit in a corner cafe,  and feign sophistication and international savoir faire. Nah, forget it --- I've never even read the Cliff's Notes to Sartre!

And my self-control is hardly legendary. Once I gave up eating chocolate for an entire  week. At the end of that week I traveled to Hershey Park PA and ate the entire gift shop.  Once I gave up fast food for a whole month.  At the end of that month I couldn't hear the song "Old McDonald had a Farm" without crying.

But now it's all different.  I'm 62 years old and I had six cavities at my last dental check-up. If things continue at this rate, the next time I have a Coke and a Smile I'm going to look like a member of the backwoods cast of Deliverance

So, I'm going Coca-Cola Cold Turkey!  I'm going to start right away tomorrow! How am I going to survive once I can no longer Open Happiness?  I'll just have to ramp up the coffee, another love of mine,  to the  point at which I'll probably never sleep.

Which is a good thing.  

Because if I did sleep, quite frankly, I'd only dream of Coke.

(More to come.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sweet and Carbonated Dreams, Perry!

5 comments:

marie bo said...

you could try drinking it through a straw...

Perry Block said...

I'm going to have shoot it up, I guess.

Russell said...

Bummer. I can see you're going through withdrawals before you even finished the cup you're squeezing with white knuckles. I'll email you a short story I think you can relate too.

Perry Block said...

Send me anything to stop me thinking about pure liquid refreshment!

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