It has been over six and one-half years since the War began and still there is no end in sight.
It is a brutal war. One that pits brother against brother, elf against gnome, reindeer against reindeer, and worst of all, Santa Claus vs. the Martians.
It is that national cataclysm known as
The War On Christmas.
Its origins seem obscure and even petty now.
In the latter part of the Twentieth Century, rampant secularism was gaining strength in America. Christmas Parties became Holiday Parties, Nativity Scenes morphed into Petting Zoos, and Department Store Santas began giving way to Department Store Richard Dawkins'. Gradually the secularists were joined by disgruntled off-key carolers, reindeer haters, and chubby chasers rejected by Santa.
This Union, as it was called, demanded that there be just seven days of Christmas with only one Calling Bird, two French Hens, and no Lords-a-Leaping whatsoever. Frantic negotiations followed but failed over the verifiability of Maids-a-Milking.
On February 14, 2012, an overtired and jittery elf assigned to protect a shipment of lumps of coal for Santa's Naughty List threw a holiday wrapped Hershey's Kiss at a Union soldier. The soldier was badly chocolated. The first shot of the war had been fired.
In the beginning the Union had the best of the fighting. In the Battle of Candy Cane Crossing, the Union's General Scrooge smashed through a line of Christmas Trees commanded by General Giggly Pointy Ears, resulting in the loss of over 47 candy canes, 28 holly wreaths, and six gingerbread men.
The fighting was fierce, as Union Private Lance Mesnick of Walden Massachusetts recorded that day in his journal:
"Everywhere you looked there were chestnuts roasting on an open fire! Suddenly I felt a sharp pain and whirling around I caught Jack Frost nipping at my nose! That's the last nose he'll ever nip ..."
Journal of Lance Mesnick, April 15, 2007
By day's end, not a creature was stirring --- not even a mouse --- at Candy Cane Crossing.
Christmas fought valiantly back. A force of seasoned elves under the flamboyant General Stonewall Sniggle de Goop surprised Union troops in a dense fog at Gumdrop Hill. How did Christmas forces maneuver through the fog? Private Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer later wrote to his wife:
"Oh, Sarah! My heart is full and my hindquarters tingling! This one very foggy eve Santa came to say 'Rudolf with your nose so bright, won't you guide our carnage tonight?' Dearest Sarah, I long to have my hooves around you! Love Eternally, Rudolf."
Letter of Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer to Sarah Weintraub Reindeer, August 14, 2007
Just eleven days after the Battle of Gumdrop Hill, Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer contracted hoof and mouth disease and Santa shot him.
The war was to continue on for six long years without decisive victory. Mistakes were made by both sides, such as Union General Grinch's decision to invade the North Pole. Implementing a scorched ice policy, Christmas forces decimated the Union troops which were wholly ill-equipped for the frigid temperatures and constant painful Nutcracker night raids.
Sensing the advantage, Christmas fired a deadly barrage of fruitcakes at Union forces at Mistletoe Pass, but the Union countered them with an Anti-Fruitcake Shield. All of us should have such a device.
“Will there ever be an end with honor to this fight? Will a wise and just leader emerge as did once before during an earlier great American struggle? Will we ever get presents again?
Oh, Rachel, who the hell knows?”
— Letter of Union Private Lance Mesnick to his wife Rachel, December 15, 2016.
Freedom Fighter or Terrorist, You Decide
Must I choose? War is good for the ecomony, especially if you're a senator who sells government contracts to munition plants supplying both sides. Candy canes be damned! Let's lob a few chocolate covered cherry bombs and see what happens.
You are what chocolate-thirsty guy!
Hasn't there been enough peppermint shed? Enough candy canes cut down in the prime of their disgusting stickiness?
Thanks for writing, big guy!
Yes, you're right.
Ken Burns is a genius!
I'll relay your comment to him.
As long as I'm on the receiving end of the chocolate business, I may go to either side at any time ...
I'm Christmas all the way.
Be prepared to fix bayonets!
Where can I get one of those Anti-Fruitcake Shields?
They're sold at fine synagogues from coast to coast.
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