Monday, December 24, 2012

Your NOFC Time-Back Guarantee!

How do I do it?
Nope, don't got one of these ...

It will come as little surprise to regular readers of this blog that there are no regular readers of this blog. In fact, if blogs were able to time travel and my blog time traveled into the past to the time and place of my high school years, I would seem popular by comparison. 

How to change this?  

I can't give away a book, because I have no book to give away.  I can't see a product giveaway, because a coffee cup with my face on it would instantly hurtle both Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts over the fiscal cliff. And I  certainly can't offer you a money-back guarantee, because you've paid no money. All you've done is spend an unfunny minute or two having the ass bored off of you.

That's it!    Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to offer you: 

The World's First
 Time-Back Guarantee!

Only from Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute

Hated something you read on my blog even more than I hated writing it?  Wasted precious time you could have been watching Hoarders or In Search of Bigfoot?  Lost the opportunity to procrastinate important work or life decisions even a few guilt-ridden moments longer?

Now, you can relax!  With the new NOFC Time-Back Guarantee, simply tell me which post or posts you detested and I'll give you back 100% of the time you squandered, no questions asked.  I really don't want to know the answers anyway!  

Here's just a few of the things I can do for you to refund your wasted time in full:   

1) Fill out a simple Internet Form.  Register a product purchase, add your voice to a petition provided it doesn't overly push the phrase "Aryan Nation," or sign up to receive regular updates from a way more interesting blog than mine. 

2) Join  As long as you promise to raise the children Jewish.

3) Set up that holiday app that makes it look like it's snowing on your blog.  Which is a great service because if not set up properly the snow begins to pile up and Twitter accounts start smashing into your Blogroll.  

4) Unfollow two or three of your Twitter followers who seem so nice you hate to unfollow them, but all they ever damn well tweet about is where the fuck they are!

5) Check spelling in a blog post.  It's a well known fact Spell check check doesn't catch everything. But I'm foolproof!

6) Write a Christmas card or two. "And though it's been said many times, many ways," I'll say it again in whatever time or way you want, provided you don't overly push the phrase "Aryan Nation." 

7) Have an uncomfortable conversation about something over Skype. Tell your wife you're leaving for your pilates instructor, talk to your children about drugs and sex (especially if you want to take the "for" position), come out to your Tea Party parents ....   I'll even tell your enemies how badly they're aging!

8) Tie your tie, wipe food from your face, administer an enemaIf you live in the Philadelphia area. Deals off if you're going to enjoy No. 3. 

9)  All0w you to tell me your troubles. But you must give me equal time to tell you mine. Dude, you're really in for it! 

10) Comment on how funny somebody else's blog post is.  Yeah, I'll even do that for you,  jerk!

So why delay?

Plenty of unfunny posts are waiting for you right now!  May I suggest  How to Secede from America without Really Thinking,  It's a Quarter to Three, and The War on Christmas - A Film by Ken BurnsThose ought to keep me plenty busy post-Christmas.

Void where prohibited by law

Which I hope is one shitload of places.


Yes, I'll animate this for you!
But you've got to hate me first.


Glynn said...

Wait a minute! I'm a regular reader of this blog. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

Perry Block said...

Thank you, Glynn. As my regular reader, you will get the book and the coffee mug absolutely free if and when they are ever available.

Now, as for the enema ...