Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Guide to the College Interview 2013

Don't want your college interview to end up thus?
Your 2013 Guide is Here!

My son Brandon is busily applying to colleges these days and some of them, though not all,  require an interview.  That's where I come in.

"As a human resources professional,  Brandon,"  I said,  "I've conducted numerous hiring interviews and have learned exactly what the skilled interviewer looks for in an applicant applying for a job or otherwise."

"Dad, didn't you tell me you were so bad at picking employees you once hired an executive who didn't last through the morning?"

"Yes, but what I didn't tell you is that he made it until almost 11:00 before he was fired!"

"Dad, thanks, but I don't need any help. I'm fine."

"C'mon, everybody gets nervous about interviews! Once I was so nervous before a job interview I actually threw up."

"Gee, that must have been terrible!"

"I'll say! Good thing the person that called to schedule the interview couldn't see it!"

Upon which I handed to Brandon my fully revised, totally updated ....

Guide to the 
 College Interview 2013

1) Shoes shined, fly zipped up, smile on face?  Forget 'em.

2)  A firm handshake is good.  Squeezing the interviewer's hand so hard it turns into a diamond is better.

3) In describing yourself in the interview, resist tendency to overuse word "hapless." 

4) What are you passionate about?  How have you channeled those passions into positive action?  What did you learn about yourself in so doing?  Don't worry:  nobody asks questions like these!

5) In what high school activities did you take a leadership role?   Best Answer:  "I was president of the school chapters of  both the the American Indolence Society and the Future Followers of America and recording secretary of the Bench Warmers Club." 

6) Can you explain this D- in Chemistry?  "Well, it was a very old chem lab and I pretty much took care of the demolition needed for replacement ...."

7) Why do you want to go our school?  Best Answer:  "After careful research into the University's mission statement, tenured professors, overall curriculum, and diverse student body, I have come to the conclusion that this would be a great place to hang for four years and meet chicks."

8) Always be on the lookout for an appropriate moment to work in an "I was so wasted" anecdote. 

9) Watch your grammar.  Don't be a show off with accuracy! 

If accepted,  what will you bring to the University community?  Best answer:  "An insatiable and driving curiosity, a unique desire to learn and serve others, and herpes."  

11) Do you believe it is important to give back to the community. Best answer: "Yes, but in most instances re-gifting is more than enough."  

12) Ask if there is diversity among the student body at the school.  Specifically, are there Jews from both the East and West Coasts as well as Chicago?

13) If you are a History major, ask if courses offered by the university include First Ladies of the U.S. - Who's Hot, Who's Not,  Body Odor in the 12th Century, and If Thomas Jefferson Hosted Good Morning America.

14) If you are an English major, ask if you can move in with the interviewer  following graduation.

Be prepared to fully elaborate upon the claim you made in the application that you invented linoleum.

16) How do you handle stress?  Best answer: "I don't know, but for god's sake, stop pressuring me!"

17) When asked to name your hero, it is a good idea to pick someone other than Xena, Warrior Princess.

Do you know what profession you would like to enter after graduation?  Best Answer: "Hello?  I'm 17 years old.  I stopped playing with GI Joe less than three years ago." 

19) Do not place your hands on either side of the interviewer's head and flap his ears back and forth unless the interviewer is actor/conservative commentator Ben Stein

20) What achievement are you most proud of?  Best Answer: "Not staring at your tits during the interview."  


"Oh, I see, Dad," Brandon broke off reading.  "These are supposed to be funny."

"Um,  yeah," I said.  "Remember?  I write a humor blog."

"Uh-huh.  And you know, these have actually helped me."

 "Really?  How's that?"

"Now I know why no one reads it!"


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