Mother, put those boobs away! I'm already too wise & saintly for them.
I have always been a big fan of European
Back in those
days you didn't just set up shop as a painter and decide to paint still lives,
a couple of dogs sitting around playing poker, or a jump-suited Elvis in
concert on velvet
You painted Jesus.
You painted Jesus with a total lack of artistic perspective and depth, with the
infant Jesus looking like a shrunken adult about to present his graduate level
dissertation at Brandeis, and always adornedwith a humongous disc
about his head and shoulders that looked like a golden Frisbee on steroids.
disc is more commonly known as a halo.
Just about every painting of Jesus and his mom shows them both packing halos so
large the back of their necks seem likely to sustain third degree burns.
One can't be sure if those who followed the Star of Bethlehem to check
out the baby Jesus were enthralled that he was the Messiah or aghast at the
preternaturally enormous halo he'd been super-endowed with.
The same is
true of paintings of Jesus and his disciples. All of them are rocking halos!
How did that work? Were the disciples all born with halos just like
Jesus, or did Jesus hand out a halo to each newbie as they joined up?
The Halo Effect in paintings of the Medieval and Early
Renaissance periods raises many fascinating questions, all of them blasphemous.
I believe these questions can be boiled down to an essential three:
1) Did Jesus actually appear in life with a
halo? If so, why didn't everyone follow him and how screwed are
we Jews today?
2) What of those people who
don’t have halos? Are they evil, just common folk, or did they leave them
in their other tunic?
3) Do halos require cleaning and polishing? If
so, is there an over-the-counter product? Must you clean a small area in the
back first to make sure there's no staining?
I'll defer the answers to these questions to wiser heads than mine, all of
which probably possess halos. But wouldn’t it be great if halos really
existed outside of medieval paintings? They could serve as handy guideposts to
If you were looking for a ruthless and unscrupulous ambulance-chasing
attorney you’d be careful not to select a lawyer with a bright halo over his
head. You’d want a scrapper, not a saint! If you want to get lucky in a singles
bar, bypass even the hottest of women if they exhibit an orb so bright it
practically blinds you.
But if you’re thinking of donating money to a worthy charity,
the person in charge of the place better be sporting a halo the size of Connecticut.
And if you’re seeking a personal Messiah?
am the Messiah. I am the Light. I am ..."
"Hold it, buster! Where's your halo?"
"Halo? That's only in paintings."
“Then why does Tom Hanks have one?”
“Of course Tom Hanks has one!
I’m only the Messiah.”