Dear College Applicant ...

University of  Havertown
Havertown PA

                                                            Molding young minds since several weeks ago.

April 4, 2013

Mr. Henry Murkish
157 Crumlish Creek
Brackish, ND 25709

Re: Your Application to the University of Havertown

Dear Henry:

On behalf of the University of Havertown, I have some good news and some bad news regarding your recent application to attend the University beginning with the fall semester of 2013.  The bad news is that you have been rejected. The good new is that this letter is printed on 100% recycled paper.

This year we have been blessed with a large number of highly qualified individuals applying to the freshman class at Havertown,  and we are simply unable to admit all of the talented applicants that we would have ideally wished to have join us at the University.  Considering this, how on earth could you have ever expected us to admit the likes of you???

We realize that this rejection may be especially upsetting for you in light of the fact that the University of Havertown is a diploma mill. Rest assured that our decision is based on a thorough review of your qualifications and our firm conviction that there is absolutely nothing in your background or experience to cause us to believe that even under the best of circumstances with an obscene number of breaks miraculously going your way and given the benefit of multiple doubts you might ever be able to successfully pose as a sham neurosurgeon.

If, however, you would like to switch your degree from Faux Neurosurgery to Faux English, your application will be reconsidered and you will be accepted immediately.

Hopefully you have applied to a number of safety diploma mills and you will soon be well on your way to a degree which is literally worth less than the paper it's printed on. Remember to steer clear of the University of Phoenix as it is a legitimate school that requires actual effort, study, and work.

That we wouldn't wish even on you!

With all best regards, 

Perry Block
Dean of Admissions

University of Havertown                           

Molding young minds since .... hey, now it's six or seven weeks!

**************

Hopefully very few 12th grade students  received letters like this one this spring, but the truth is that it's as hard to get into college anymore as it is to find a laugh in the last 45 minutes of Saturday Night Live!

Kids have to pull down super grades, participate in multiple activities, play sports, usher in an era of universal brotherhood and world peace, be a sushi chef, discover planets, be able to spell "Massachusetts," and write the great American novel and direct the movie version in order to gain entrance into a top-notch college or university that will provide them with the type of quality education to qualify for today's demanding minimum wage jobs.

It's so bad out there that one young woman recently wrote a column in the Wall Street Journal lamenting her failure to be admitted into her desired colleges under the title To All The Colleges That Rejected Me.   I would have empathy for her,  but since she is obviously on her way to a mega-successful career as a humor blogger at age 18 and I'm not (successful or age 18), I wouldn't admit the brat to the University of Havertown!

When it comes to whiny tantrum-throwing, I can play with the best!

Fortunately none of this applies to my son Brandon Block, who has gotten into one of his chosen colleges and is well on his way to someplace he wants to be next fall.   Congratulations, Brandon!

Maybe you can take young Henry Murkish under your wing?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Guide to the College Interview 2013

Don't want your college interview to end up thus?

Your 2013 Guide is Here!

My son Brandon is busily applying to colleges these days and some of them, though not all,  require an interview.  That's where I come in.

"As a human resources professional,  Brandon,"  I said,  "I've conducted numerous hiring interviews and have learned exactly what the skilled interviewer looks for in an applicant applying for a job or otherwise."

"Dad, didn't you tell me you were so bad at picking employees you once hired an executive who didn't last through the morning?"

"Yes, but what I didn't tell you is that he made it until almost 11:00 before he was fired!"

"Dad, thanks, but I don't need any help. I'm fine."

"C'mon, everybody gets nervous about interviews! Once I was so nervous before a job interview I actually threw up."

"Gee, that must have been terrible!"

"I'll say! Good thing the person that called to schedule the interview couldn't see it!"

Upon which I handed to Brandon my fully revised, totally updated ....

Guide to the 

 College Interview 2013

1) Shoes shined, fly zipped up, smile on face?  Forget 'em.

2)  A firm handshake is good.  Squeezing the interviewer's hand so hard it turns into a diamond is better.

3) In describing yourself in the interview, resist tendency to overuse word "hapless." 

4) What are you passionate about?  How have you channeled those passions into positive action?  What did you learn about yourself in so doing?  Don't worry:  nobody asks questions like these!

5) In what high school activities did you take a leadership role?   Best Answer:  "I was president of the school chapters of  both the the American Indolence Society and the Future Followers of America and recording secretary of the Bench Warmers Club." 

6) Can you explain this D- in Chemistry?  "Well, it was a very old chem lab and I pretty much took care of the demolition needed for replacement ...."

7) Why do you want to go our school?  Best Answer:  "After careful research into the University's mission statement, tenured professors, overall curriculum, and diverse student body, I have come to the conclusion that this would be a great place to hang for four years and meet chicks."

8) Always be on the lookout for an appropriate moment to work in an "I was so wasted" anecdote. 

9) Watch your grammar.  Don't be a show off with accuracy! 

10)  If accepted,  what will you bring to the University community?  Best answer:  "An insatiable and driving curiosity, a unique desire to learn and serve others, and herpes."  

11) Do you believe it is important to give back to the community. Best answer: "Yes, but in most instances re-gifting is more than enough."  

12) Ask if there is diversity among the student body at the school.  Specifically, are there Jews from both the East and West Coasts as well as Chicago?

13) If you are a History major, ask if courses offered by the university include First Ladies of the U.S. - Who's Hot, Who's Not,  Body Odor in the 12th Century, and If Thomas Jefferson Hosted Good Morning America.

14) If you are an English major, ask if you can move in with the interviewer  following graduation.

15) Be prepared to fully elaborate upon the claim you made in the application that you invented linoleum.

16) How do you handle stress?  Best answer: "I don't know, but for god's sake, stop pressuring me!"

17) When asked to name your hero, it is a good idea to pick someone other than Xena, Warrior Princess.

18) Do you know what profession you would like to enter after graduation?  Best Answer: "Hello?  I'm 17 years old.  I stopped playing with GI Joe less than three years ago." 

19) Do not place your hands on either side of the interviewer's head and flap his ears back and forth unless the interviewer is actor/conservative commentator Ben Stein. 

20) What achievement are you most proud of?  Best Answer: "Not staring at your tits during the interview."  

***************************

"Oh, I see, Dad," Brandon broke off reading.  "These are supposed to be funny."

"Um,  yeah," I said.  "Remember?  I write a humor blog."

"Uh-huh.  And you know, these have actually helped me."

 "Really?  How's that?"

"Now I know why no one reads it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Old College Try

  Your Future is Here!

The old term " giving it the old college try" has a new meaning these days. Nowadays that term refers to the try most colleges give it to get promotional brochures extolling their virtues into the hands of  every high school senior in the free world who can read, write,  and/or pronounce the word "glossy."

Seniors such as my son Brandon, whom I'm proud to say can do all three.

Every day the brochures pour in from hallowed halls of learning ranging from Harvard and Yale to the International House of Diplomas. Sleek and smart with Madison Avenue style copy and photography, it's hard to tell whether that missive in the mail is from Boston College or Bloomingdale's, Villanova or Victoria's Secret.

"We got enough of them today," I said to Brandon, " to defoliate an entire  rain forest."

"I've seen sufficient brochures for now, Dad,"  said Bran"

"But your future is here!"  I cried out, cribbing a line I'd only read in all of them! 

"No, Dad," said Bran, "but I'm sure your present is."

Wondering what he meant, I settled unto the couch and into the brochure which  proclaimed upon its cover: 

WELCOME TO THE UNIVERSITY OF HAVERTOWN 
You'll Learn Stuff Here

Inside the cover was a picture of students traversing a lovely tree-lined campus in a fall pastoral setting of great beauty and tranquility.

"Located on half an acre in a parking lot next to the beer distributor across from Rite Aid, the University of Havertown beckons you" read the accompanying copy. 
 
On the next page came the: 

                        Letter from President Lemuel Gullible

in which President Gullible heavily touted the core values of a Blangdon education being:

"Knowledge, Honesty, and Truth." 

A footnote indicates that: "Dr. Gullible has recently retired from the University of Havertown after 35 years of distinguished service which in no way had anything to do with the recent revelation that Dr. Gullible faked the Philosophy of Teleological Empirical Ethicism Degree that got him into the University in the first place, and of course, there is no such thing."

Which brought me to: 

Academics?  Yeah,  We Got 'Em! 

Students  focus on Shelley and Joyce at one 
of the University's high level Literature seminars.

Nice photo, but a more accurate caption would be "Male students fantasize sexual relations with hot young teaching assistant."  Sure they're all focusing on Shelley and Joyce, provided Shelley and Joyce turn out to be two Jewish girls from Penn State they're being set up with on the weekend.

The values of a University of Havertown education were touted as:

"Over 400 majors to choose from including three in Teleological Empirical Ethicism and of course, there is no such thing.

All our professors are of the highest caliber and scholars in every discipline. A few even show up for class, often sober.

Great Study Abroad Program provided you can pony up the scratch to get yourself to Syria." 

And next:

Working Hard, Playing Hard 

with photos like 

and

and my personal favorite 

and lastly

Yep, give the U. of Havertown points for honesty here. 

And on to the final page, with the heading:

Picture Yourself Here

                                

And so I did.  And closed my eyes.  And pictured the new heading upon the page:

Perry Block poses next to Havertown students decades younger and cooler than he is. 

Serves me right for reading other people's mail!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~