Enough is Enough on Guns!

Somethings absolutely positively is going to happen this time!

In view of the recent terrible shootings in California, Americans are finally galvanized to stand up to the NRA and demand strong action to stop gun violence right up until the summer gets underway and they're off on vacation. 

Speaking on behalf of a Philadelphia group called "Stop the Killing Before We Lose Interest," activist Burton Gainley stated  "We insist that Washington solve this problem once and for all, and we will work ceaselessly and tirelessly in this regard until later this month when we head to the Shore and start draining them brewskis."

The killing in San Diego seems to have united the movement for sane and reasonable gun regulation more than ever before.  While most Americans who feel strongly about human life and dignity normally get to the point where they forget about the whole thing a couple of weeks after a shooting, it's projected that this time it may take up to an entire month before no one gives a shit any more.

"Enough is enough!"  proclaimed Mr. Gainley.  "We're in it for the long haul provided other stuff like work and family and hobbies don't get in the way.  But should my voice ever be stilled or silenced, rest assured that others will pick up the fight!

At least until the Fourth of July."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the style of The Onion.  Now I didn't say as good as, just in the style of!

Gun Sanity At Last!

Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) shakes hands
 with National Reasonable Association's Wayne LaPierre

Flanked by the leadership of both the Democratic and Republican parties, President Obama today signed the Sane Armaments and Firearms Elucidation Regulations Bill (SAFER) in the While House Rose Garden to the generous applause of all present.

"How foolish we were ever to oppose this!" exclaimed an exhilarated Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the National Rifle Association. "These are common sense measures to protect all Americans and fully consistent with the Second Amendment."

Mr. LaPierre praised New York Senator Chuck Schumer for helping him to see reason. "Chuck's persuasive logic and rationality convinced us that we were wrong in our prior bone-headed opposition to a reasonable level of regulation of the use of firearms," remarked Mr. LaPierre.

Indeed dialogue and understanding among all parties on the gun issue is being credited as the reason the new law has passed.  SAFER provides for:

1) Universal background checks for all purchasers of firearms
2) Mandatory training in safe and responsible use of firearms for all who seek to own and use them, the NRA to be a leading provider of such training.
3) Banning of all semi-automatic military style weapons.

"All of us at the NRA are so thrilled with what has happened we are changing our name to the National Reasonable Association," said a beaming Mr. LaPierre.

"I am indeed gratified," said President Obama, "to at long last see rational thought and bi-partisan unity operating in an exemplary fashion to foster the safety and best interests of the American people."

And then I woke up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Try to Remember the Kind of December

Someone asked me the other day if I remembered something about a call for "new gun laws in America" about six months ago.   You know, just before Christmas.

WTF was he talking about, I wondered!

I did some research and managed to come up with the following. 

Last December there was an incident in Connecticut in which a bunch of children in a school were shot by some guy.  A lot of regular folk on the Internet and even a fair number of politicians said it was more than time to take action to ban certain types of guns and maybe institute a system that helped keep dangerous or sick people from getting guns. 

Something like that.

Hard to remember this now because there were so many important things going on about the fiscal cliff, the football playoffs, and poor Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson forever not getting their shit together.  To be sure,  there were a few similar statements made again in February when some other guy shot up a Dairy Queen.

And a few more when another guy shot you and me in April. 

That's all she wrote!   Guess I'll have another humor post tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Caucus for Creative Cowering

One Nation, under Guns .... 

In the wake of the shooting tragedy in Florida, it's been highly encouraging to witness our nation's lawmakers promptly springing into action. 

To a one, they are boldly leaping forward into hiding places under not only desks and chairs but tables and china closets as well!   Republicans and many Democrats are joining hands in the noble effort to squelch even the slightest whisper that maybe we ought to pass a law or two to stop Americans from being systematically gunned down in the streets.

Rarely do our elected officials work together so effectively and bi-partisanly.  How do they manage it, I wondered. It seems the answer lies in the actions of a previously little known coalition referred to as the Congressional Caucus for Creative Cowering. 

On promise of complete and total anonymity,  Representative Arthur "Doodles" Worthington (R-257 District PA) --- a heavy-set balding 48 year old graduate of Old Diploma Mill University with a taste for cheap brown suits and an office staff almost exclusively made up of women named "Kitten" who has been re-elected eight times --- agreed to speak with me about the functioning of the Caucus.

Rep. Worthington:  Mr. Block, the Caucus for Creative Cowering is dedicated to assuring that each member of the legislative branch of government  successfully fulfills the highest duties of his or her office.

Block:  I see.  Which is, of course, to serve the best interests of the citizens of the United States of America! 

Rep. Worthington:  Not exactly.  Which is to get elected and stay elected!   (You are keeping this anonymous,right?)

Block:  Absolutely!   Well, what exactly does the Caucus do?

Rep. Worthington:  Every now and then one of our members gets a silly little thought in his  head that maybe we ought to think about regulating the use of guns like, say, the way we regulate the use of motor vehicles, something like that. 

Block:  And what happens then? 

Rep. Worthington:  We meet with the member and gently but firmly advise him or her:

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SPEND THE REST

OF YOUR LIFE AS THE

 UNIDENTIFIABLE MEAT PRODUCT

IN THE CHILI CON CARNE IN THE COMMISSARY AT THE

WASHINGTON DC HEADQUARTERS OF

THE NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION?

That usually handles the matter.

Block:   So do you guys have meetings?

Rep. Worthington:  Yes, sir!  In Washington, we have breakfast meetings with speakers like Deputy Fife from The Andy Griffith Show, Larry of The Three Stooges, and both Shaggy and Scooby from Scooby Do!   We have seminars to teach members how to fall to their knees whenever they see a handgun, even if they haven't been shot.  And we have two big balls!  

Block:  Two big balls?!  It sounds like you don't have any ...

Rep. Worthington:  No, no!  I mean two big formal dances. (This is confidential, right?) 

Block:  One hundred percent.  Does the Caucus have a slogan or motto?

Rep. Worthington:  We have three: "Time Heals All Wounds,"  "Guns Don't Kill, But the NRA Does," and "Ka-boom! Ooops, well, no Biggee."

Block:  I take it you really love guns.

Rep. Worthington:  Me?   OMG, No!  Those things can kill ya!

Block:   Well, I have to say, Congressman Worthington, I've always been pretty much of a wimp myself, but you guys in the Congressional Caucus for Creative Cowering make me feel almost like Batman!

Rep. Worthington: Why, thank you!

Block:  Thank you???   Why would you say that?

Rep. Worthington:  It means we're a hit!   And that, my friend, you can print!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The “Second” Second Amendment

 One Nation, Under Guns ....

“Didya take care of it yet?” asked Len Farbman,  my oft congenial but congenitally annoying friend from work.

“Not yet, Len,” I answered. “Maybe this week. Or ….. next week at the latest.”

“Perry,” he said firmly, “you only have until July 31! You’re procrastinating again!"

"Well, I believe in always going with what you’re good at!”

“Look, Per,” counseled Farbman, "Sheila and I weren’t exactly thrilled about having to purchase a couple of handguns either. But now that we both have ‘em, it’s so cool!

"How so?"

"The other day Sheila and I were in the bedroom,  and  I was standing in my bathrobe,  pistol in my calf-skin shoulder holster.   I turned quickly toward the mirror, pulled my gun,  and said  My name is Farbman …. Len Farbman.”

“Yeah, and what happened next? You guys made wild passionate love?”

“Nah, I hit the head and went downstairs to yell at the children.”

I said goodbye to Farbman, having promised him I’d go out that very day and purchase my requisite handgun.

I still couldn’t believe it. 

President Sarah Palin!  Swept into office via her rousing “Jesus loves Billionaires” campaign following hot on the heels of the exposure of the Obama/Nancy Pelosi/Shrek three-way love nest,  she’d been Chief Executive about a year and a half.

The new President had swiftly overseen passage of the Balanced Budget Amendment, which in its first year had mandated closure of all national parks and storage of Old Faithful in a bonded warehouse in New Jersey, the War on Terror reduced to a Hissy Fit Against Terror, and Medicare requiring all participants to seek most forms of treatment from the guy in North Philadelphia I used to get Quaaludes from in the 70’s.

Then there was the “Second” Second Amendment. The Administration had swiftly rewritten  its favorite Amendment to the Constitution, removing the awkward language about militias to produce a  far more smoothly worded principle of modern governance.

It now read:

“The right of the people to keep and bear arms is groovy.  Everybody gotta get themselves a gun no later than July 31, 2014!  KA-POW! Bang-Bang-Bang!  KA-BOOMIE!”

I flicked on the television. It was Good Morning America, and George Stephanopoulos was giving the daily “Murders, Mutilations, and Mayhem Report.”

"There were 2758 murders in the United States yesterday,” reported Stephanopoulos, “with another 1754 wounded and over 1300 incidents of snarling bad guys exhorting the well-meaning but submissive friend of the good guy to dance!  And in Kansas City MO, a Pillsbury Bake-Off ended badly when a dispute over sifting led to the to the execution style murder of Poppin' Fresh, the Pillsbury Dough Boy.”

Just then, Stephanopoulos said something about Elizabeth Vargas being shot and raced off camera.

To get with the President’s program, I headed out to the establishment Farbman had recommended, Friendly Freddie’s’ Fireworks ‘n Firearms.

“What the hell you been waiting for?!” exclaimed Friendly Freddie. “Not much left here now, except …. hey, interested in a bazooka?”

“No, no, no! ” I exclaimed. "Just your basic firearm, please!   I don’t know anything about guns; y' see, I'm Jewish! ”

“Oh, now I got ya," said Friendly Freddie. "Have any idea how your aim is?”

"Not good at all, Friendly Freddie. When I was a kid and I’d shoot off a cap pistol, the smoke would appear half a block away."

“Well,  don't worry, Mac," he said.  "I’ve had people in here buying assault rifles who shouldn’t be allowed to operate a slinky!  You’ll get used to it. You’ll like it.  Everyone does.”

Friendly Freddie fitted me with what he called a Glock 39.   I had to admit there was something fascinating about the shiny precision of the thing --- and  unlike on my old cap pistol,  there was no picture on the gun barrel of Roy Rogers and Dale Evans smiling and waving "Happy Trails to You!" 

Funny, I used to think all guns came with that!

As I left Friendly Freddie’s, I headed into nearby Woodmere Park.  Near the Park’s fountain, a bushy haired young man had pulled a gun on a middle-aged woman who grabbed her derringer and began blasting away.  A merry shoot out all 'round the fountain ensued! 

What fun! 

In a nearby cafe, a male patron was pistol whipping a waiter because his onion soup didn't have enough cheese and there weren't nearly enough crackers.   Yep, I'd frequently gotten poor service there myself!  Beats undertipping.

And I had to laugh when I saw all the alte cockers sittting on the park pavilion with the old-fashioned tommy guns straight out of 1920's Chicago! 

I wrapped my fingers around my Glock 39 and tingled as I felt its raw power.  Don't usually get to tingle all that much. 

Remember, I'm Jewish.

As I strode out into the Park, I understood at last what good old Farbman had been talking about. 

KA-POW! Bang-Bang-Bang!  KA-BOOMIE!

~~~~~~~~~~~~