Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Pope's Tweets

When I learned Pope Benedict had joined Twitter and would shortly be issuing his first tweet, I was excited to the point of epiphany.

At last somebody older and probably even more out of touch with today's social networking culture was joining Twitter,  and a major A-Lister to boot!  And absent another Protestant Reformation,  an A-Lister who cannot possibly ever be dropped down even a single list.

Sensing  an opportunity to leap in and become the Pope's Twitter mentor and secure for myself the highest --- and pretty much only --- celebrity follower I've ever had, here's what will be greeting the pontiff when he climbs aboard the Good Ship Twitter early next week:


@Pontifex  WOOT!  Welcome to Twitter, Your Holiness.  Dig those vestments!

@Pontifex  Since you are the #newbiepope on Twitter, Id love to show you around. Remember this hashtag,  and to keep it holy. 

@Pontifex Choose an avatar that makes you look younger than you are.  Mine is 8 years old. If I were you, I'd add a couple more decades.  #newbiepope

@Pontifex  Keep your Twitter profile simple. "God's Go-To Guy" way better than "God's Go-To Guy. Loves Lost, Thomas Aquinas, & chocolate chip cookies" #newbiepope

@Pontifex  Are you related to the actor who played Cliff on "Cheers?"  Oh, right, that's Ratzenberger. #newbiepope

@Pontifex Probably don't want to push the infallibility thing too much on Twitter.  Everybody misspells stuff occasionally and ... you need this job!  #newbiepope

@Pontifex  Content is King.  I mean ... after you, Your Holiness! #newbiepope

@Pontifex That thing's called a mitre? Cool!  Tweet about that!  #newbiepope

@Pontifex  Avoid getting too political on Twitter.  I usually refrain from expressing my liberal, agnostic, and pro-choice views and you should too!  #newbiepope

@Pontifex Interact with people of all races, colors, & creeds, but remember:  I am your No. 1 Jew! #newbiepope

@Pontifex A Direct Message or DM is used when you want to communicate directly with one person. @PatRobertson? I guess.   #newbiepope

@Pontifex When you find a tweet funny,  type LOL for laugh out loud or LMAO for ...   maybe it's best you just keep the laughter down. #newbiepope

@Pontifex  Don't type LOL after your own tweet;  it looks like you're laughing at your own joke.  Not that I've any doubt they're way funny, Holiness! #newbiepope

@Pontifex Use a smiley face to indicate you're making a joke.  I made this one for you.  Œ: )  Happy Face Pope w/ Mitre!  #newbiepope

@Pontifex  Keep it clean. Occasional sexual innuendo is fine, but leave the dick jokes to the pros on Favstar.  #newbiepope

@Pontifex Don't try to explain the old "why does God allow evil & suffering?" on Twitter.  140 characters goes real fast. #newbiepope

@Pontifex Never tweet directly to @God, @Jesus, @Moses or variation thereof & expect it to "get there."  Hint: People love to screw around on Twitter.  #newbiepope

@Pontifex  OMG, I forgot to explain about OMG!  #newbiepope

@Pontifex  There's also something called WTF.  You've heard about it?  Right, Holiness,  it is "fudge."   #newbiepope

@Pontifex Don't be upset if someone unfollows you.  But if you do have ways of zapping 'em,  go for it, Pontiff!  #newbiepope

@Pontifex  I wouldn't expect @KimKardashian, @ladygaga,  & @justinbieber to all follow you back.  But if they do, damn, maybe YOU REALLY ARE DA MAN! #newbiepope

And from there on in, it's all up to the Pope.

Tweet me,  Holiness!  

In no time at all I'll bet Pope Benedict and I will be tweeting, Facebooking, Google Plusing,  Pinteresting,  and maybe even goose quill penning each other, both of us totally and fully immersed and engaged  in every  manner of deep, meaningful, and mutually satisfying human intercourse.

@Pontifex  Oh, knock it off, Your Holiness!  I warned you about keeping it clean!


Note: Astute readers may have noticed that some of my tweets to the Pope above are over 140 characters long.  There are three reasons:  

1) Artistic license for comedic purposes. 
2) I'm trying to help the Pope here! 
3) Yes, it is good for the Jews ....

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