Be HIM!

Be HIM!

As of April 25th of this year, my son Brandon is 21 years old. I'm proud that he is turning into a happy, healthy, and intelligent young man with a wide variety of interests and a well-adjusted and positive outlook on life and the future.

Just one thing.

Why can't he still be eleven?!

Though I do miss the days gone by, as a hardcore realist I must accept the fact that children grow up and move on and that life is a constantly changing enterprise. Also I must accept the fact that I don’t for a minute believe that nonsense I just wrote in the last sentence.

“Happy Birthday, Brandon!” I said via Facetime on the special day.

“Thanks, Dad,” Brandon replied.  “I was just on my way out.”

“Bet I know what you’re going,” I said with a knowing grin.  “Now that you’re 21 years old, you’re headed out to try drinking alcohol for the first time.”

“Umm … yeah … yeah, Dad.  That’s exactly it.”

“I knew it! I was just the same way when I turned 16 … I mean, turned 21!”

“Sorry I can’t talk longer, Dad. I’ve got some people waiting for me.”

“Sure, sure, go be with your little friends. But let me make a suggestion: Start your drinking experiences with something simple and basic, like the drink they call beer.  Do you want me to spell it for you?”

“Is it b-i-e-r, Dad?”

“No, it’s not,” I laughed.  “I’ll text you the proper spelling.  In six months or so we’ll step up to vodka. That’s spelled v-o-d…”

“Thanks, Dad.  I’ll look forward to it. Gotta go!”

“One more thing, Bran.  Though it's over a year away, I’d like to talk to you about where you’re going to live when college is over.”

“Oh, I don’t know yet.  I’ll have a job of some kind and a place of my own, I guess.”

“That’s just it.  A place of your own is very expensive. I know of a place that’s very inexpensive.  In fact, it’s free.”

“What kind of a place is free?”

“Our basement!  And utilities are included too.”

“Dad, a basement is a last resort if a kid doesn’t have a job.”

“Well, I’m going to encourage you to think of it as your first resort! With pool table, vintage TV that works if you kick it, and close proximity to a laundromat that doesn’t require coinage.”

"Well, Dad, we’ll see."

"Okay. I'll throw in a Jacuzzi. I'll call the contractor right now.”

“I hope he shows up before I'm married with children.”

“One more thing, Bran.  I’m looking at a picture of you when you were about 5, the one where you’re sitting in the green chair. Here I’ll show it to you.”

“Sure, I remember that one. So?”

"Be HIM!"

"Excuse me?"

"Be HIM!  The Brandon in the picture."  

"Oh, I see.  You asked me that once before."

"Be HIM again! I miss him." 

“I’m sorry, Dad. I don’t think I can actually become him again." 

“I didn’t really think you could. No harm asking."  

"Talk to you soon, Dad.”

"Yep. Enjoy the bier!”

My son Brandon is now 21 years old. I must accept the fact that children grow up and move on and life is a constantly changing enterprise.

And frankly, it’s enough to drive me to drink!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you may also like Bedtime Story,  Why Can't He Be Seven?, and Brandon Block IS The Graduate.

If you hated this post, I hope whenever you order a beer they always serve you bier!

Spring Slake (FF)

PHOTO PROMPT – © Madison Woods

"Say, Brandon, it sure was nice of your dad to spring for a keg of beer for our Annual Finals Time/Spring Bash!"

"Yeah, Kyle, my dad does some nice but weird-ass things sometimes."

"I understand your father is known as The Internet's Least Successful Humor Writer."

"True, I'm afraid he's almost as unfunny as @ShitMyDadSays."

"OMG, I didn't think anything could be that unfunny!"

"Well, let's tap the keg, boys!"

"AUGGHGH!"

"PITOUEY!"

"GBLAHHH!"

"Look, here's a note from my dad:  Hope you guys enjoy this keg of Listerine.  Now gargle, spit, and get back to work!"

"You know what, Brandon?  Now that's funny!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I thought it was time for a post to show off my advanced parenting skills, but unfortunately this isn't it.  Well, maybe it is; we'll see what kind of grades these guys ultimately get. Better yet, we'll see how many cavities.

Now all of you should go study the many other takes on the above picture prompt by the other Friday Fictioneers.  Just tap the keg right here, and drink up!   

Happy Annual Finals Time/Spring Bash!

There's One In Every Dorm

Yeah, there's always a guy like this. Remember?

I went to college years ago when dorms and dorm rooms were little better than army barracks but without the tough ass An Officer and a Gentleman type drill sergeant and the requirement that you learn to use a rifle without shooting yourself in the foot.

Nowadays the dorms in which my son and his fellows reside at colleges and universities throughout the country are more like four star hotels, only without concierge service and night time chocolates placed neatly by their beds. Plus today's dorms are co-educational, a development of which I never would have dreamed but for which I would have gladly swapped dozens and dozens of pieces of chocolate and my rifle, were I to have one.

But no matter how dorms may change, some things remain the same.  There are almost always certain types of dorm residents that all of us would recognize, whether we're matriculating millennials today or like me, antiques from the Age of Aquarius.   

What follows is a sampling. 

There's always one guy in every dorm who: 

.... can drink an entire beer in one gulp.  

Yes, this seemed impressive back in the day but it's somehow less so today when the same guy does it for you just before performing your open heart surgery.

 .... claims he never masturbates. 
One can only hope he was lying.  Because if not, you and I have no willpower whatsoever!


....  claims he routinely stays up all night before a 30 page term paper is due,  types it all out in one draft (in the typewriter era),  and always gets an "A." 
Predictably, most of these people are murdered before they reach age 21.


....  claims he never studies, parties the night before tests, and always gets an "A."
Double homicide anyone?


.... never fails to wax poetic on any occasion, littering his everyday conversation with references to Shakespeare, Keats, James Joyce, Film Noir, Classical vs. Modern Art, and any other conceivable subject or reference which displays his depth, sensitivity, and profound love and appreciation for art in whatever form it may be found or prove to exist.
He's only doing it to try to pot naive freshman girls.  It rarely works.


  .... claims no matter how drunk or how stoned he is he can drive perfectly well, so c'mon, don't be a baby, climb in the car with him. 
And true to form, this is the guy who got you home from innumerable parties and on occasion even drove you from Philadelphia to Boston and back.  And now years later as you pause to reflect on it, what comes to mind is 

"OMG, WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!!!"

.... is  goofy and weird-looking but who because he is kind of character quickly becomes a favorite of everyone in the dorm who uniformly call him something like "Lapdog," "Joe Bluster," or "the Funkman."  

Yes, Lapdog has an incredible God-given ability to be as popular as a cool guy without actually being one.  Sometimes you almost wish you could be  goofier and weirder-looking and maybe you'd be as popular as Joe Bluster or the Funkman.

....  has dates each and every weekend while you are sitting home watching "I Dream of Jeannie."  
You'd like to imagine that in the parallel universe you're living the same life as this guy. But you know you're not.  In the parallel universe you're sitting home watching "I Dream of Jeannie" while this guy has dates every weekend.


.... has a girlfriend with whom he's been going steady since the seventh grade whose pictures grace every square inch of  his dorm room and to whom he glowingly and lovingly tells one and all he will be wed just as soon as the two of them are both out of college.   

Ten or fifteen years later this guy generally comes out as gay.

.... is a screaming, shouting, wildly gesticulating ultra-leftwing, socialist, anarchist, Che Guevara-spouting, Mao Tse Tung-admiring, Saul Alinsky-loving "power-to-the-people, right on!" crazed revolutionary radical.
Most of these guys wind up working at Fox News.


.... has fantastic hair. 
And know what?  Still has it too.


.... is extremely talented on the guitar and never hesitates to whip it out to serenade the dorm with any one or more of his dozens of original songs. 
And after a semester or two, you finally master the art of planting a smile on your face, rhythmically tapping your feet, and swaying to and fro to the worst goddamn music you've ever heard in your life.


.... at the end of a social evening always combs through the ashtrays  to scoop up any remaining roaches.
Yeah, you're right.  That was me. 

So, did I forget any other guys that there's always one of in every dorm?  

Hey, let me know ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Those Freshman Days

copyright Jennifer Pendergast

"So how do you like it here at the University, George?"

"I love it,  Mark!  The classes are  stimulating,  I like my professors, and the experience living away from home is cool."

"I feel the same,  George.  Even the food is good.  And you couldn't ask for a more beautiful tree-lined campus!"

"I love the architecture of the residence halls too.  There's only one thing I don't like."

"What's that?"

"The stairs we have to take down to where the classes are.''

"What stairs?  There's a black pole we slide down 200 feet."

"That's what I don't like!"

"George, if you don't like sliding down poles,  don't come to the Red Adair University of Firefighting!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If there isn't a school of higher learning for firefighters like the Red Adair University of Firefighting, there ought to be.  And considering the great job these guys do for all of us, it ought to actually have stairs as well as a campus that looks like the one in the picture prompt above on which my Friday Fictioneers entry for this week is based.

I don't want to yell "fire" in a crowded theater, but you ought to exit the theater right now and check out the blazing hot contributions of  the other Fictioneers by breaking the glass and sounding the alarm right here. 

Ready to slide down the pole?   Yeah, I know ... maybe by senior year. 

He's Leaving Home, Bye-Bye

No summer ever lasts long enough, but this summer has passed more swiftly than the career of a reality star.  That's because this summer --- the one that's just now bitten the dust ---  was the last summer before my son Brandon went off to college.

A child leaving home to begin college years is a rite of passage many parents would rather pass on than pass through.  Yes, we want our children to have an exciting, stimulating, and rewarding college experience which will enrich them for the rest of their lives. We want them also to never leave the house.

"Welcome to Johns Hopkins!" beamed just about everyone we encountered yesterday as we moved  Brandon into school.  "Brandon, we know you're going to love it here!"

"And, Dad, we're spiriting your son away and you're never going to see him again!"

Everything seemed so nice at college.   Friendly faces of students and staff everywhere. Lovely green campus. Promises of courses and activities to suit every taste, talent, and temperament. Special receptions, outdoor cafes,  loads of cute girls! Why would Brandon ever want to return home?  

To watch me color my beard and type blog posts nobody reads?

It seemed such a short time ago I was trundling him off to his first day of kindergarten. All that crying and screaming; I thought I'd never calm down! Wasn't it just a couple of weeks ago we were collecting Beanie Babies and watching Rug Rats?  Actually it was, but Brandon wasn't there.  Why hadn't he shown up for any of that fun stuff the last 11 years? 

By the time move-in day was over, Brandon was fully ensconced in his new digs with a couple of new friends in tow waiting for him to eat.  "Now, Dad," he said as I prepared for the lonely drive home, "feel free to come down and visit me any time you like!"  

That's m' boy! 

"Just call for an appointment first.  Maybe a couple of weeks or so in advance."

Fortunately, there were no steep cliffs on the drive back home!

So what do I do now?  Many people have suggested I get myself a dog, an idea which has some appeal.  After all, a dog is man's best friend. Why not get myself a nice Irish Setter or Shetland Sheepdog?

"Here boy, here boy!" I'll call to him. "Fetch the ball and I'll reward you with a discussion  of the latest Coen Brothers' movie!  Come on, here's a milk bone, what books you reading lately? You think the President should act on Syria?  Hey, why aren't you talking?"

Maybe I'll think about a cat instead. 

I guess there's just no way to put the genie back in the bottle or the kid back in the crib, and that's what it's all about. True, I haven't accepted my own aging, but Brandon's aging is different, exciting, full of potential.  Things may never be exactly as they were, but that doesn't mean they won't be good. And much of it, I'm sure, is gonna be great. 

So this is one bit of change I think maybe I can embrace.  I'll try.

Do cats discuss Kurt Vonnegut?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear College Applicant ...

University of  Havertown
Havertown PA

                                                            Molding young minds since several weeks ago.

April 4, 2013

Mr. Henry Murkish
157 Crumlish Creek
Brackish, ND 25709

Re: Your Application to the University of Havertown

Dear Henry:

On behalf of the University of Havertown, I have some good news and some bad news regarding your recent application to attend the University beginning with the fall semester of 2013.  The bad news is that you have been rejected. The good new is that this letter is printed on 100% recycled paper.

This year we have been blessed with a large number of highly qualified individuals applying to the freshman class at Havertown,  and we are simply unable to admit all of the talented applicants that we would have ideally wished to have join us at the University.  Considering this, how on earth could you have ever expected us to admit the likes of you???

We realize that this rejection may be especially upsetting for you in light of the fact that the University of Havertown is a diploma mill. Rest assured that our decision is based on a thorough review of your qualifications and our firm conviction that there is absolutely nothing in your background or experience to cause us to believe that even under the best of circumstances with an obscene number of breaks miraculously going your way and given the benefit of multiple doubts you might ever be able to successfully pose as a sham neurosurgeon.

If, however, you would like to switch your degree from Faux Neurosurgery to Faux English, your application will be reconsidered and you will be accepted immediately.

Hopefully you have applied to a number of safety diploma mills and you will soon be well on your way to a degree which is literally worth less than the paper it's printed on. Remember to steer clear of the University of Phoenix as it is a legitimate school that requires actual effort, study, and work.

That we wouldn't wish even on you!

With all best regards, 

Perry Block
Dean of Admissions

University of Havertown                           

Molding young minds since .... hey, now it's six or seven weeks!

**************

Hopefully very few 12th grade students  received letters like this one this spring, but the truth is that it's as hard to get into college anymore as it is to find a laugh in the last 45 minutes of Saturday Night Live!

Kids have to pull down super grades, participate in multiple activities, play sports, usher in an era of universal brotherhood and world peace, be a sushi chef, discover planets, be able to spell "Massachusetts," and write the great American novel and direct the movie version in order to gain entrance into a top-notch college or university that will provide them with the type of quality education to qualify for today's demanding minimum wage jobs.

It's so bad out there that one young woman recently wrote a column in the Wall Street Journal lamenting her failure to be admitted into her desired colleges under the title To All The Colleges That Rejected Me.   I would have empathy for her,  but since she is obviously on her way to a mega-successful career as a humor blogger at age 18 and I'm not (successful or age 18), I wouldn't admit the brat to the University of Havertown!

When it comes to whiny tantrum-throwing, I can play with the best!

Fortunately none of this applies to my son Brandon Block, who has gotten into one of his chosen colleges and is well on his way to someplace he wants to be next fall.   Congratulations, Brandon!

Maybe you can take young Henry Murkish under your wing?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Guide to the College Interview 2013

Don't want your college interview to end up thus?

Your 2013 Guide is Here!

My son Brandon is busily applying to colleges these days and some of them, though not all,  require an interview.  That's where I come in.

"As a human resources professional,  Brandon,"  I said,  "I've conducted numerous hiring interviews and have learned exactly what the skilled interviewer looks for in an applicant applying for a job or otherwise."

"Dad, didn't you tell me you were so bad at picking employees you once hired an executive who didn't last through the morning?"

"Yes, but what I didn't tell you is that he made it until almost 11:00 before he was fired!"

"Dad, thanks, but I don't need any help. I'm fine."

"C'mon, everybody gets nervous about interviews! Once I was so nervous before a job interview I actually threw up."

"Gee, that must have been terrible!"

"I'll say! Good thing the person that called to schedule the interview couldn't see it!"

Upon which I handed to Brandon my fully revised, totally updated ....

Guide to the 

 College Interview 2013

1) Shoes shined, fly zipped up, smile on face?  Forget 'em.

2)  A firm handshake is good.  Squeezing the interviewer's hand so hard it turns into a diamond is better.

3) In describing yourself in the interview, resist tendency to overuse word "hapless." 

4) What are you passionate about?  How have you channeled those passions into positive action?  What did you learn about yourself in so doing?  Don't worry:  nobody asks questions like these!

5) In what high school activities did you take a leadership role?   Best Answer:  "I was president of the school chapters of  both the the American Indolence Society and the Future Followers of America and recording secretary of the Bench Warmers Club." 

6) Can you explain this D- in Chemistry?  "Well, it was a very old chem lab and I pretty much took care of the demolition needed for replacement ...."

7) Why do you want to go our school?  Best Answer:  "After careful research into the University's mission statement, tenured professors, overall curriculum, and diverse student body, I have come to the conclusion that this would be a great place to hang for four years and meet chicks."

8) Always be on the lookout for an appropriate moment to work in an "I was so wasted" anecdote. 

9) Watch your grammar.  Don't be a show off with accuracy! 

10)  If accepted,  what will you bring to the University community?  Best answer:  "An insatiable and driving curiosity, a unique desire to learn and serve others, and herpes."  

11) Do you believe it is important to give back to the community. Best answer: "Yes, but in most instances re-gifting is more than enough."  

12) Ask if there is diversity among the student body at the school.  Specifically, are there Jews from both the East and West Coasts as well as Chicago?

13) If you are a History major, ask if courses offered by the university include First Ladies of the U.S. - Who's Hot, Who's Not,  Body Odor in the 12th Century, and If Thomas Jefferson Hosted Good Morning America.

14) If you are an English major, ask if you can move in with the interviewer  following graduation.

15) Be prepared to fully elaborate upon the claim you made in the application that you invented linoleum.

16) How do you handle stress?  Best answer: "I don't know, but for god's sake, stop pressuring me!"

17) When asked to name your hero, it is a good idea to pick someone other than Xena, Warrior Princess.

18) Do you know what profession you would like to enter after graduation?  Best Answer: "Hello?  I'm 17 years old.  I stopped playing with GI Joe less than three years ago." 

19) Do not place your hands on either side of the interviewer's head and flap his ears back and forth unless the interviewer is actor/conservative commentator Ben Stein. 

20) What achievement are you most proud of?  Best Answer: "Not staring at your tits during the interview."  

***************************

"Oh, I see, Dad," Brandon broke off reading.  "These are supposed to be funny."

"Um,  yeah," I said.  "Remember?  I write a humor blog."

"Uh-huh.  And you know, these have actually helped me."

 "Really?  How's that?"

"Now I know why no one reads it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Old College Try

  Your Future is Here!

The old term " giving it the old college try" has a new meaning these days. Nowadays that term refers to the try most colleges give it to get promotional brochures extolling their virtues into the hands of  every high school senior in the free world who can read, write,  and/or pronounce the word "glossy."

Seniors such as my son Brandon, whom I'm proud to say can do all three.

Every day the brochures pour in from hallowed halls of learning ranging from Harvard and Yale to the International House of Diplomas. Sleek and smart with Madison Avenue style copy and photography, it's hard to tell whether that missive in the mail is from Boston College or Bloomingdale's, Villanova or Victoria's Secret.

"We got enough of them today," I said to Brandon, " to defoliate an entire  rain forest."

"I've seen sufficient brochures for now, Dad,"  said Bran"

"But your future is here!"  I cried out, cribbing a line I'd only read in all of them! 

"No, Dad," said Bran, "but I'm sure your present is."

Wondering what he meant, I settled unto the couch and into the brochure which  proclaimed upon its cover: 

WELCOME TO THE UNIVERSITY OF HAVERTOWN 
You'll Learn Stuff Here

Inside the cover was a picture of students traversing a lovely tree-lined campus in a fall pastoral setting of great beauty and tranquility.

"Located on half an acre in a parking lot next to the beer distributor across from Rite Aid, the University of Havertown beckons you" read the accompanying copy. 
 
On the next page came the: 

                        Letter from President Lemuel Gullible

in which President Gullible heavily touted the core values of a Blangdon education being:

"Knowledge, Honesty, and Truth." 

A footnote indicates that: "Dr. Gullible has recently retired from the University of Havertown after 35 years of distinguished service which in no way had anything to do with the recent revelation that Dr. Gullible faked the Philosophy of Teleological Empirical Ethicism Degree that got him into the University in the first place, and of course, there is no such thing."

Which brought me to: 

Academics?  Yeah,  We Got 'Em! 

Students  focus on Shelley and Joyce at one 
of the University's high level Literature seminars.

Nice photo, but a more accurate caption would be "Male students fantasize sexual relations with hot young teaching assistant."  Sure they're all focusing on Shelley and Joyce, provided Shelley and Joyce turn out to be two Jewish girls from Penn State they're being set up with on the weekend.

The values of a University of Havertown education were touted as:

"Over 400 majors to choose from including three in Teleological Empirical Ethicism and of course, there is no such thing.

All our professors are of the highest caliber and scholars in every discipline. A few even show up for class, often sober.

Great Study Abroad Program provided you can pony up the scratch to get yourself to Syria." 

And next:

Working Hard, Playing Hard 

with photos like 

and

and my personal favorite 

and lastly

Yep, give the U. of Havertown points for honesty here. 

And on to the final page, with the heading:

Picture Yourself Here

                                

And so I did.  And closed my eyes.  And pictured the new heading upon the page:

Perry Block poses next to Havertown students decades younger and cooler than he is. 

Serves me right for reading other people's mail!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~