'Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through Senate & House,
Not a fiscal deal was stirring, political will like a mouse;
The stock market was hung up with worry & care,
In hopes that St. Deal-at-Last soon would be there.
The citizens were restless, unstrung in their beds,
While visions of dollars plummeting went askance in their heads;
And Boehner in his Norquist, and Obama in his tax increase cap,
Had just settled in for more long winded political crap.
When out on White House lawn there arose such a clatter,
We sprang from our beds to see what was the matter.
Away to the window we all flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters, saw CNN's Dana Bash.
The television lights on the new-fallen snow,
Gave the luster of mid-day, I'm tellin' ya, bro.
And what to our wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature limo, all in red, the whole shmear!
And there behind the driver, so lively and surreal,
We all knew in a moment
It Must be St. Deal!
More rapid than Eagles (not the team) his limo it came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called us by name;
"Now, Boehner! Now, Cantor!
Now, Pelosi, Chuck Schumer!
On, Harry Reid! On McConnell!
On, Mr. President! You too, sir!
To the Top of your Game! To the Top of the Hill!
Now dash away! Dash away! Show political will!"
"As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
"When you meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky!"
So up to the House and the Senate we flew,
We lame political types and St. Deal-at-Last too.
And then, in a twinkling, we heard on the roof
The entrancing and dawning of some new great truth.
As we drew in our heads, and were turning around,
Down Congressional halls St. Deal-at-Last came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fake fur, from his head to his foot,
You'd never see him embellish a tweet with "woo-hoo" or "Woot!"
A bundle of pork he had flung on his back,
And he said "Choke on this, there's a cliff to roll back!"
His eyes -- yes, quite wrinkled! His dimples, deep very!
Saying "Show me you're leaders, Mitch McConnell & Reid, Harry!
"I want this all wrapped up and tied with a bow,
I'm tired of your slinging it as deep as the snow!"
The stump of a pipe he held tight like a bit,
And the smoke it encircled, well, it seemed like good shit;
He had a broad-minded face and a cast-iron belly,
And he said "Just keep working, we can send out for deli!"
Not too clubby, no chump, brooks no folly, this elf,
And we looked away when we saw him, ashamed of ourselves.
A flash of his eye and a shrug of his head,
Soon gave us to know COMPROMISE was nothing to dread!
"Speak not partisan words, show integrity, great works.
And fill the nation's stocking; now get busy, you jerks!"
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
Said "Gotta go now, I'm on Charlie Rose."
He sprang to his limo, said "Keep to work 'til the whistle,"
And away he then sped, continuing to bristle.
But we heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to All,
You Douche Bags,
Left and Right."