Perry's Headline News, Part II

I can hardly believe that only a few months ago I was thrilled that there was a person in the Presidential race with the same last name as my first one.

I was prepared at that time to fatten up on the succession of glorious headlines that would elicit the mistaken impression that I am indeed one hell of a very cool and dynamic guy!

But Reality has o'erstripped my hoped-for vicarious glory. Recent headlines about the self-same candidate have accomplished anything but provide reinforcement to my always fragile sense of self-worth:

Perry Confuses Ass with Elbow at Debate

Perry Protests Unfairness of Question as to Own Name

Perry Declares he is Ronald McDonald Conservative 

 Perry Calls Perry an Idiot, Then Remembers He is Perry

 Perry Stands with Back to Podium at Debate, Shows Best Side

Will somebody please get this guy out of the race before he does any more permanent damage to my psyche?

In the meantime, I'll focus my self-deceptive and delusional attentions on headlines about Katy Perry.   Heck, not only am I MTV's Artist of the Year,  I've just dumped that annoying Russell Brand! 

And, all my hits aside, ya can't help but dig the way this 61 year old Boomer dresses!
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Hot as Hell, ain't I?

Perry’s Headline News

Who doesn’t love to see his or her name up in lights? 

Over the years  I’ve been privileged to see mine hit the headlines more often than Rupert Murdoch, without even ever having to get hit in the face by a pie.

Stroll with me now down the Perry Memory Lane .... 

• Perry Elected to Baseball Hall of Fame!

Didn’t know I had such stuff on the ball , did ya?  Nah,  I still throw like a girl.  It was twice - Cy Young Award Winner Gaylord Perry hitting the HOF in 1991. 

• Perry Reaps Academy Award Nomination!

Much as I’d like to have directed David and Lisa, I could barely direct you across the street let alone this sensitive ground-breaking film. It was filmmaker Frank Perry behind the lens in 1962.  

• Perry Snags Three MTV Video Music Awards!

Carry a tune?   Not without a U-haul and movers.  No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe, it was Katy Perry this past August you were lookin’ for, babe!

Yes, vicarious living has its benefits, especially when you can pull down awards and accolades from a Near Oscar to a trip to Cooperstown without even putting down the clicker. It’s one of the virtues of having a first name more popular as the second half of a name than in the misbegotten spot in which I’ve managed to have it begotten in mine.

  

But now for the first time comes a heady conflict between my headline heaven and everyone else’s hard line reality.   Bursting onto the political scene is GOP Presidential Candidate Governor Rick Perry from Texas, a man with whom I have about as much in common as do Mel Gibson and the B’nai B’rith.

On the one hand, Gun Totin’, Social Security Deponzi-izin', Obama-Care Bustin' Governor Perry could do more harm to the nation than a canister of outtakes from Shit My Dad Says dumped in the water supply.

On the other hand, folks, I’m digging on the fame!

• Perry Triumphs over Field in Debate!

Not only don’t I like to speak in public, frankly, I’m not even really all that thrilled with speaking in private.

But now as Winston Churchill, the aptly named Pericles,  and a touch of Elmer Gantry, I’m about to inspire you to great heights, plummet my opponents to greater lows, and give one and all one hell of a great photo op in the doing!

"Fourscore and seven years ago, once more into the breach, and forever unto the end of time, I'm gonna whup your ass!   Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen."

• Perry's the New Frontrunner!

Yesterday, I'd have lost a foot race to Governor Chris Christie even if he had to carry six or seven hundred Twinkies,  comedy writer Bruce Vilanche,  and an anvil from an old Warner Brothers cartoon.

Today, catch me if you can, y'all!

• Perry Clearly Leading the Pack!

Now I’m a ferocious feral hero straight out of The Call of the Wild, guarding and protecting my loyal pack of four-legged supplicants from all manner of dangers and hazards of the most rugged, tundra-like out-of-doors, adoring she-bitches all the while a-hewing to me like Scotch Guard!

Frankly I’ve never exactly been an Alpha Male.    Mostly I’m more of an Alfred E. Newman male.

Oh how I do love these headlines and how they soothe my battered ego! 

Or do I love my battered country more?   Is there no way to resolve the conflict?

Wait!    Look!     

Extra,  Extra,  Read All About It ….

• Perry Drops from Race on News of Sex with Gorgeous Blonde!

Now, there’s one Perry headline I think we can all of us get behind!

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Yep! I'm digging the photo ops too!

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