Today is Monday, September 12, 2011.
It is my 61st Birthday.
I am expecting a visit from that most unwelcome of guests, the mythical Jewish creature known as the LOJM!
For those who do not know, the LOJM (pronounced “LOW-JIM”) is a fearsome monster born of the history and mythology of the Jewish people, every bit as dreadful as the Golem of Prague, the Dybbuk, or any random movie featuring Adam Sandler. The LOJM, more formally known as the “Little Old Jewish Man,” stalks male members of the Chosen People beyond a certain age. Among its acts most foul, the LOJM maliciously destroys any and all record of the true handsome, youthful, and virile (okay, virile might be pushing it) appearance of the people it torments.
People like me.
Whenever a camera is brandished and about to be utilized to take a photograph of the LOJM’s prey, the fakockt fiend flings itself in front of the lens, blocking the true face of its victim and replacing it with its hideous own! Moving at hyper–speed, the monster arrives and departs undetected, leaving only the surrogate image of its gruesome visage as evidence of its foul and deceitful visitation. And sometimes a few mints.
Beware the LOJM!
The LOJM, it’s said, was created by God in partnership with the Jim Henson Company to assure that all Jewish men would act with humility. Here again the Big Guy managed to err on the side of overkill in the same manner as when he cooked up that over-the-top lesson in male Jewish humbleness prominently featuring a scalpel.
How to defeat the LOJM? My son Brandon and I devised a plan.
To confound the LOJM, the room was sprinklered with the odor of white milk and mayonnaise, said to be repugnant to the creature. Instead of saying cheese, I’d say Wonder Bread. When the picture was about to be taken, I’d do a stutter step, drop to the floor, roll 45 degrees, and jerk my head upward, smiling as sweetly as a young Meg Ryan prior to having misbegotten work done.
The appointed moment arrived. Aside from a possible shoulder dislocation and a gag reflex in near mortal spasm, as white milk and mayonnaise is as repugnant to me as to the beast, all was executed as planned.
And then Brandon and I gazed at the image on the digital camera screen.
Those sunken cheeks. That near bald head. That shriveled and decayed flesh!
Instead of my true appearance, there before us was the protagonist from a joke by the late comedian Myron Cohen: “There was this lid-dle old Jew-ish man by the pool at the Fountainbleu Hotel in Miami Bitch….”
Damn you, LOJM!
But the creature’s evil work was not yet done. The LOJM mesmerizes those around its victim so that they do not perceive the deception. It places words in their mouths like “That’s a very nice picture, “looks just like you,” and “excuse me, I'm going to vomit.”
“Dad,” said Brandon, “That’s a very nice picture. Looks just like you. Excuse me, I’m going to vomit.”
Do you not miss a trick, you Meshugana Monster?!
Once more, let me warn all male members of the Children of Israel of a certain age in every place and time and every realm of humanity's existence! Let me sound the clarion call! Or at least hire a guy who knows what a clarion is and how to sound it.
Beware the LOJM!
Or you might just want to sleep through your birthday instead.