Friday, September 10, 2010

Beware the LOJM!


 The LOJM?

I’ve never been one to believe in tall tales, myths, and urban legends.

I don’t believe the tooth fairy could ever turn a profit on used enamel, doubt the existence of Bigfoot, Nessie, and writers on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon because there’s just no evidence for them, and scoff at aliens crash-landing at Roswell NM because beings that advanced would know there’s no other place to crash-land than Vegas, baby, Vegas!

But all of you, please: Beware the LOJM!

Today is September 12, 2010. On this day I am 35 years old, just as I have always been and always will be. But today somehow the rest of the world will look upon me and see something obscene, loathsome, and truly terrifying!

The world will see a dude who’s 60.

Beware the LOJM (pronounced “LOW-JIM”)!

Known more formally as the “Little Old Jewish Man,” the LOJM is a foul and malignant creature indigenous to the geographical environs of the greater Philadelphia PA area. And I am its victim!

The LOJM stalks me as if I were Jennifer Aniston.

Anymore, I can’t even have my picture taken in peace. The instant a camera is produced, the LOJM dashes in front of me with blinding speed. He’s kind of like the DC Superhero the Flash if the Flash were equipped with the additional superpower of being able to speak fluent deli.

The LOJM next freezes himself between me and the camera, musters his most hideous visage, then blazes off as soon as the picture is snapped! Were it not for the quick tell-tale glimpse of a blurred and vibrating white belt and plaid polyester pants, I would not perceive the fiend at all.

But then I see the picture!

No winning boyish grin, smooth and supple cheeks, or lush brown hair swooping low across my forehead.

It is the LOJM!

The creature has even mastered the power to make a person invisible! How else to explain that a trim, handsome 35 year old such as myself can walk the streets of Center City Philadelphia without a lick of attention?  The LOJM directs the flow of humankind away from me so effectively that it seems almost as if people are crossing the street to avoid me --- sometimes swiftly and directly into the paths of onrushing traffic! 

No one ever checks me out on the streets of the city short of an ambitious and forward-thinking salesperson from Levine’s Funeral Home.

No one walks up to me to strike up a conversation unless the operative words are “stick ‘em up, grandpa!”

Beware the LOJM!

Most wicked and perverse of all is what the beast LOJM has done to my relations with the fair sex --- you know, “the babes,” as we 35 year olds call them. He has cast a spell of avuncularity upon me!

Thanks to this spell, no women under the age of 55 can visualize an encounter with me to consist of anything spicier than sipping herbal tea and sharing the New York Times Crossword Puzzle.  A far more proper encounter for one in the prime of life such as I would have the two of us sharing matters a bit more intimate than the seven letter answer to No. 24 Down and me sipping something way tangier than herbal tea!

Curse you, LOJM!

Avuncularity may have its place, but only when it’s Hanukkah and your uncle is Steven Spielberg.

Beware the LOJM!

Now it is September 12, and the LOJM of Philly invades my very birthday celebration! Halt, you fakockt fiend! Be gone, you evil alte cocker! Can’t a guy turn and remain 35 in peace?

It’s my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I .....

Wait minute. If I’m 35 years old, why am I singing an old Lesley Gore song that only a 60 year old Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute Baby Boomer would know?

Do you never miss a trick, you Meshugana Monster?!

Beware the LOJM!

~~~~~~~~~~

And just when you thought it was safe to have another birthday, it's  Beware the LOJM! II 
  

11 comments:

Marisa Birns said...

Oy Gevalt! You don't need all that mishegoss from the LOJM. I mean, is he even mishpocha?

Don't even think about that silly number!

Happy Birthday! *pops cork and toasts you with Prosecco*

Perry Block said...

Marisa,

Please write me one of your best O. Henry endings and get the hell rid of this character! He even managed to get his picture on my driver's license!

Oh, was that a cork popping? Thought it was my arteries....

Thanks for the birthday wishes! Of course, as usual, Ashton Kutcher didn't tweet.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, minion.
Love,
WotV

Perry Block said...

That's Mr. Minion to you!

Love you too.

kdmccrite2 said...

Ah, Perry. C'mon. You're just as cute as you were when I first met you.

Perry Block said...

Actually, kd, I've aged terribly in the last 2 1/2 weeks.

madisonwoods said...

Perry, there must a LOJW running around, doing the same thing to me every time I try to take a picture I like! Maybe not quite 60, but hideous visage all the same, haha. I think they get faster the older they get. She's still slow enough that I can slap her aside from time to time, though just like yours must be.

Happy belated birthday :)

Perry Block said...

Yes, Madison, I've heard reports of other LOJMs and even LOJWs being spotted throughout the world, especially in New York City, Miami Beach, and parts of the Jersey Shore where no one has tatoos.

It's so odd that they seem to be striking now. I mean, this never happened to me years ago. What has emboldened them?

It seems to me that either you have a very slow-moving LOJW, you're especially effective at slapping her away, or she isn't even all that horrible looking.

Oh, I forgot. Doesn't matter how much I might say all the right things. Thanks to my LOJM, you're only going to like me avuncularly!

fairyhedgehog said...

Now I understand! I have an OB (Old Baggage) who gets into all my pictures in exactly the same way and somehow makes me invisible in the street.

Perry Block said...

Perhaps we can get both your OB and my LOJM off each of our respective backs by fixing them up together?

UCCH! I know it's disgusting, but as long as we don't have to watch them billing and cooing (especially cooing), let's give it a shot!

fairyhedgehog said...

Hehe! Now there's a thought!