The Boy Who Didn't Like Tom Hanks

  

I had never seen Farbman so upset. 

He was so disturbed he didn't even touch his second desert at lunch.

"It's my son Bruce," he said. "In all my days, I never thought something like this could ever happen!"

"What is it, Farbman?" I asked with alarm. "Is it drugs, is he in legal trouble, has he chosen Pepsi over Coke?"

"If only it were one of those things," Farbman wailed.  "No, my son Bruce told me ... he told me ...  he doesn't like Tom Hanks!"

Doesn’t like Tom Hanks?  

This was a shock. Tom Hanks is America's most likeable celebrity. He's charming, funny, and self-effacing.  The nicest guy in Hollywood, and a welcome presence on screens both large and small.

“How did this all come about, Farbman?”  

“It was last Saturday night. I was watching ‘Cast Away’ for the 20th time and Bruce came into the den.

'Bruce,' I said, 'they’re just about to introduce Wilson, the Soccer Ball. Come sit down and we’ll watch together.'

'I’d rather not, Dad,’ he said. 

'Why, Bruce?' I asked.

‘It's time I told you. I don’t like Tom Hanks!’

‘What are you saying, Bruce?!’ I shouted.

‘I’ve never liked Tom Hanks,’ he said. And I never will!'

“I’m telling you, Perry, I broke down sobbing!”

“Try to understand, Farbman. Bruce has no choice in the matter. He was born not liking Tom Hanks.”

“How could this happen to me?  I who have seen ‘Forrest Gump’ more times than Sally Field has popped Bonivas!”

“Farbman, this isn’t about you!  People’s attitudes are changing. It's no longer a disgrace to be THD.”

"THD?"

"A Tom Hanks Disliker."

"Really?"

"Sure. I’ll bet in 10 years or so Tom Hanks Dislikers may even be able to marry each other."

"What should I do?"

“Just tell Bruce you love him and support him no matter what."

"You're right, Perry. I'm glad we had this chat. I do feel better."

Just then I got a phone call from my son Brandon, who wanted to know if I’d like to watch a movie that night.

"How about something with Tom Hanks?" I asked. 

"Great, Dad! Who doesn’t like Tom Hanks?”

"Why don't we watch ‘Sully.’”

"I’d rather not, Dad. 

"Why, Bran?"

"It's time I told you. I don’t like Sully Sullenberger." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The New Logo of the Republican Party

THE UNITED QUISLING PARTY OF AMERICA

Formerly known as the Republican Party

Things have changed now, folks. Until every Republican in Congress including those in very red districts stops defending Trump, I consider this to be the new logo of the Republican Party:

Welcome to the United Quisling Party of America

Many Republican Congresspersons and Senators continue to dismiss the connection between Trump and Russia with the same smugness which was somehow indelibly implanted upon the faces of Trump Sr. and Jr. since birth. Talk about the elephant in the room, they choose to ignore the elephant in their underpants!  

Shameless Republicans continue to blithely apologize and rationalize for Trump or talk about how his moronic behavior is "concerning" or "bothersome," but let's continue  on with the Trump show!

Update of 7/16/18:  It is now time for you guys to formally decide whether you side with our country or a foreign adversary. You know where Trump stands. Does it take courage to stand up against the President of the United States? Of course, but you chose to run for Congress and style yourselves worthy to be one of the leaders of the United States of America.

Are you Republicans or ....

                The United Quisling Party of America!

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(That's Mr. Quisling above, folks.) 

Youth is Wasted on the Product Logos

Before                    After




We live in a youth-obsessed society, which isn't such a terrific thing when you are obsessed with youth and don't happen to have it anymore.  

This accent on youth doesn't just pertain to human beings, it even extends to product logos. Several years ago the familiar Quaker Oats guy got himself a makeover. With the stroke of an advertising agency's pen, he was made younger, thinner, and cuter than ever before.

Apparently in  order to eat oatmeal these days it's important to first want to have sex with the guy on the oatmeal package, even if he's a seventeenth century Quaker.

I predict more such changes are coming.

Uncle Ben's will announce that its new packaging will feature a much younger version of its traditional avuncular progenitor. He will now be called Dude Ben.  In place of the bow tie he's been wearing since 1946, Dude Ben - who's 22 - will now sport a hipster tattoo and bunch of tattoos.

Feel like a nice bowl of rice? Get it while he's hot!

I mean, it's hot.

Tony the Tiger is soon to become Tony the Cub, the Gerber Baby will knock back a couple of years to become the Gerber Fetus, but the biggest change of all is planned for Poppin' Fresh, the Pillsbury Doughboy.

He will morph into Poppin' Lump o' Dough.

Why do old logos get to be young again while I remain so old and wrinkly that the only logo I'd be suitable for belongs on a box of raisins?

It's just not fair!

Youth is wasted on the product logos.

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Notes on an 800th Post

"And it came to pass that I looked down upon the Internet and I saw that it was formless and void when it came to humor blogs about neurotic ill-adjusted Jewish Baby Boomers.

And darkness was over the surface of the deep but fortunately I had a night light because I'm afraid of the dark.

And the deep too.

And I said "Let there be a humor blog entitled Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute" and I brought forth a humor blog about a neurotic ill-adjusted Jewish Baby Boomer. And I saw that it wasn't very good, but I had time on my hands. 

And it was the evening and the morning of the first day, which is all it took because we're talking about a dopey humor blog, not the heavens and the earth.

And I blessed the blog --- as blessing things is sort of a hobby of mine --- and I bade it be fruitful and multiply. As in readers. 

I'm still waiting for it to learn how to add, let alone multiply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That was how it began seven and one-half years ago when I first started writing Perry Block - Nouveau Old Formerly Cute.

Back in that day there were very few if any Baby Boomer oriented humor blogs, so I thought I'm was going to be famous in no time, riding in limos, doing cocaine with A-List film stars, and having sexual relations with women of every race, creed, color, and political persuasion, but not Republicans. 

I began writing in earnest but I had to rewrite the first several blogs in English because no one reads Earnest anymore. Some of my posts were funny but frankly some of them were unfunny. 

Some of them were so unfunny that they turned those who read them to stone. 

I'm very sorry for those of you whose family members read "Perry and Dick Cavett Do the Daily Jumble Together" or "The Sheer Joy of Quantum Mechanics." But at least your loved ones are with you forever.

Years later, except for the sexual relations with women of every race, creed, color, and political persuasion, but not Republicans except for a couple of Republicans thrown in for the experience, success frankly has not materialized for me. 

But I've kept at it.  And along the way I've had fun with characters like:

The LOJM - the mythic creature who jumps in front of the camera whenever Jewish men of a certain age have a picture taken causing someone as young and handsome as me to look like a troll in the picture.  But kind of a cute troll.

The Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer - over 800 years old and a blood-sucking creature of the night, but with it all, a mensch.

Cupid, the God of Love - who's resigned his position as God of Love and whose arrows no longer cause people to fall in love but only to admire each others' clothing.

Ma Nishtanah & Pa Rumpumpumpum- the happiest mixed marriage in show business.

and

Perry, the Bummed-Out Baby Boomer - one very neurotic, insecure, and regretful Baby Boomer who bares no resemblance whatsoever to me.  Except with respect to every single last fucking thing.

And now I have reached 800 posts.

Many people have asked me  if I would share some of my patented humor writing secrets. I must admit they are not actually patented, but they have all had their shots and are available right now for adoption.

Eliminate all excess words from your writing. There is no better example of this principle than my funniest post ever: 

Bop

Dog poop, I’m yelling.

Ha ha ha ha!  Takes years of practice, folks!

If you are not feeling funny on a specific day, do not push the work. Have sex with prostitutes instead. Don't forget to call me first.

Writer's block?  Yes, I can tell you how to beat writer's block. You just have to... huh!  Funny, I thought I had something to say about that. I don't know.  Not sure. Drawing a blank here. Check me later.

Never use the phrase "I digress." That means you have ventured off the main path of your subject and are adding stuff that you think is funny but doesn't really belong. Get rid of it and use it elsewhere where it fits. And guess what? This is a real tip!

Still not feeling funny?  That's enough with the hookers. Time for you to go back to work. I'll take over.

I'd like to thank a few folks whom I have probably never thanked before for their support and encouragement: Don Holley, Tracey Lane Delaplain, Robert Siegel, Monica Kulaski, Merilyn Jackson, Kate Konigisor, Lisa Lynch, and Ilil Arbel.  Hey thanks, guys!

No, you can't have my night light.

See you again when we hit 900 posts. Provided I'm not busy with women of every race, creed, color, and political persuasion.

But not Republicans.

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