Notes on an 800th Post

"And it came to pass that I looked down upon the Internet and I saw that it was formless and void when it came to humor blogs about neurotic ill-adjusted Jewish Baby Boomers.

And darkness was over the surface of the deep but fortunately I had a night light because I'm afraid of the dark.

And the deep too.

And I said "Let there be a humor blog entitled Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute" and I brought forth a humor blog about a neurotic ill-adjusted Jewish Baby Boomer. And I saw that it wasn't very good, but I had time on my hands. 

And it was the evening and the morning of the first day, which is all it took because we're talking about a dopey humor blog, not the heavens and the earth.

And I blessed the blog --- as blessing things is sort of a hobby of mine --- and I bade it be fruitful and multiply. As in readers. 

I'm still waiting for it to learn how to add, let alone multiply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That was how it began seven and one-half years ago when I first started writing Perry Block - Nouveau Old Formerly Cute.

Back in that day there were very few if any Baby Boomer oriented humor blogs, so I thought I'm was going to be famous in no time, riding in limos, doing cocaine with A-List film stars, and having sexual relations with women of every race, creed, color, and political persuasion, but not Republicans. 

I began writing in earnest but I had to rewrite the first several blogs in English because no one reads Earnest anymore. Some of my posts were funny but frankly some of them were unfunny. 

Some of them were so unfunny that they turned those who read them to stone. 

I'm very sorry for those of you whose family members read "Perry and Dick Cavett Do the Daily Jumble Together" or "The Sheer Joy of Quantum Mechanics." But at least your loved ones are with you forever.

Years later, except for the sexual relations with women of every race, creed, color, and political persuasion, but not Republicans except for a couple of Republicans thrown in for the experience, success frankly has not materialized for me. 

But I've kept at it.  And along the way I've had fun with characters like:

The LOJM - the mythic creature who jumps in front of the camera whenever Jewish men of a certain age have a picture taken causing someone as young and handsome as me to look like a troll in the picture.  But kind of a cute troll.

The Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer - over 800 years old and a blood-sucking creature of the night, but with it all, a mensch.

Cupid, the God of Love - who's resigned his position as God of Love and whose arrows no longer cause people to fall in love but only to admire each others' clothing.

Ma Nishtanah & Pa Rumpumpumpum- the happiest mixed marriage in show business.

and

Perry, the Bummed-Out Baby Boomer - one very neurotic, insecure, and regretful Baby Boomer who bares no resemblance whatsoever to me.  Except with respect to every single last fucking thing.

And now I have reached 800 posts.

Many people have asked me  if I would share some of my patented humor writing secrets. I must admit they are not actually patented, but they have all had their shots and are available right now for adoption.

Eliminate all excess words from your writing. There is no better example of this principle than my funniest post ever: 

Bop

Dog poop, I’m yelling.

Ha ha ha ha!  Takes years of practice, folks!

If you are not feeling funny on a specific day, do not push the work. Have sex with prostitutes instead. Don't forget to call me first.

Writer's block?  Yes, I can tell you how to beat writer's block. You just have to... huh!  Funny, I thought I had something to say about that. I don't know.  Not sure. Drawing a blank here. Check me later.

Never use the phrase "I digress." That means you have ventured off the main path of your subject and are adding stuff that you think is funny but doesn't really belong. Get rid of it and use it elsewhere where it fits. And guess what? This is a real tip!

Still not feeling funny?  That's enough with the hookers. Time for you to go back to work. I'll take over.

I'd like to thank a few folks whom I have probably never thanked before for their support and encouragement: Don Holley, Tracey Lane Delaplain, Robert Siegel, Monica Kulaski, Merilyn Jackson, Kate Konigisor, Lisa Lynch, and Ilil Arbel.  Hey thanks, guys!

No, you can't have my night light.

See you again when we hit 900 posts. Provided I'm not busy with women of every race, creed, color, and political persuasion.

But not Republicans.

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Ma and Pa Celebrate Hanukkah

SPECIAL HANUKKAH EDITION

Reprinted by Special Permission of Parade Magazine

They put the "i" in iconic, this special couple, and by definition they also put the "we" in it as well. 

They are none other than Ma Nishtanah and Pa Rumpumpumpum, two halves of show business’ happiest mixed marriage, now together for over 35 years and still proving exactly what it takes for people of different backgrounds to forge a lasting and loving relationship. And it was our privilege at Parade Magazine to visit with these lovebirds just as we did last April as the two prepared to celebrate one of the major holidays of their two disparate traditions, the eight day Feast of Lights called Hanukkah.

"She's driving me crazy with all this Hanukkah crap!" said Pa, greeting us warmly at the door. "Right now she's stinking up the place frying those Jesus H. Christ latkes!"

Budweiser in hand, Pa ushered us into the kitchen where Ma was assuming a familiar position, bent over the stove and staring disapprovingly at Pa. 

"Welcome to our happy Jewish & whatever the hell religion it is he is home!" said Ma. "You're just in time for some fried latkes, a Jewish tradition!"

"Latkes," said Pa, "the Jewish answer to coronary heart disease.  Until we fumigate I can't even enjoy my six- pack and mayonnaise sandwich!"

This idyllic relationship didn’t happen overnight.

Originally from the Russian shtetl of Anapaquin, Rose Nishtanah's family fled to America when they became a bit weary of Cossacks using their physical persons to break in a juggling act.  Settling in New York City, Rose utilized her talent for song and dance to become a star on Broadway under the name Rose "Ma" Nishtanah, a middling joke gentile readers won't find funny, but we've explained it below anyway just in case.*

Sadly, Ma's first marriage to the dapper but dissolute Irwin “Buddy” Berenson foundered when Buddy gambled away all her money and personal possessions and began extracting  teeth and internal organs at night while she slept. Eventually he owed so much money to the mob that he went over the fiscal cliff  in a manner that would have had John Boehner really crying his eyes out!

Eustace Rumpumpum  came out of a dirt-poor Arkansas town to score a number one hit with "A Grover Norquist Christmas," followed up by "Jesus Loves Me, But I'm Against Gay Marriage" and a tender ballad to his first wife on the eve of her hysterectomy "Stand By Your Glands."

Unfortunately Eustace's marriage to former hair dresser Tammy Lynette Hairnette ended tragically when he came home one afternoon to find her discussing economic and political theory with Paul Krugman.  Devastated, Eustace added a third "pum" to his last name and began calling himself "Pa," both for no discernible reason whatsoever.

Despite prior heartbreak, when the disenchanted and lonely Ma and Pa finally met it was a magical, mystical kismet!  "I was hoping for a big shlong this time around," said Ma. "And I wanted to corrupt and degrade a Jewess," added Pa.

"How about we play some dreidel before we light the menorah?"Ma asked us.

"Dreidel?!" said Pa. "That has to be the most boring game since Uno for the Colorblind!" 

"Well, then let's sing "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel," suggested Ma.

"That's even lamer  than "The Little Drummer Boy!" said Pa.

"Well, what's better,  Mr. Jesus-of-Nose-Hair-Breath?" 

"This is!" said Pa, producing a CD. "It's the Maccabeats doing "Miracle,  a cover of Matisyahu.  And it's your Hanukkah present, Ma!"'

"And here's your Christmas present early, Pa!" said Ma. "The Second Amendment 2013 Pin-up Calendar!"

And both of them then melted into each other's arms!  

Sometimes our differences,” say Ma Nishtanah and Pa Rumpumpumpum --- two halves of the happiest mixed marriage in show business --- “are less than they seem.” 

That should be true for us all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Ma Nishtanah is the beginning of the central prayer of the Passover Seder known as "The Four Questions."   Ma Nishtanah's sisters, by the way,  are Lilo Hazeh and Nicole Halaylos.  We'll explain those another time.

The Eight Days of Pesach Redux

Now that Passover has officially passed over, I would like to once again share with you the re-tweeting I’ve just completed of the lovely and traditional The Eight Days of Pesach.

Also, following the holiday, I’m too lazy to write a new post.

This legendary prayer represents the spiritual and emotional yearnings of the Jewish people in the same vein and best traditions of the Avinu Malkeinu, Ose Shalom, and the theme from Curb Your Enthusiasm.

The Eight Days of Pesach has been so popular throughout the ages that gentiles have even developed their own version known as The Twelve Days of Christmas, although it has yet to catch on. The gentiles have even gone the Jews one better and padded it out an extra four days to a total of twelve, although many feel this has accomplished scant more than to amply illustrate the significant influence in modern liturgical musicology of the concept of “pushing it.”

I mean, “lords a-leaping?” Come on!

The Eight Days as presented here is the version originated in the Havertown PA Talmud as opposed to the Babylonian Talmud, which has fewer pictures and no forward by comedian Richard Lewis. Unlike the Bablylonian Talmud which emphasizes strict moral law and “an eye for an eye,” the Havertown PA Talmud espouses “do it when the Big Guy’s back is turned” and “got your nose!”  

This explains why the Havertown PA Talmud is a much better beach read. Which is a good thing because anyone who puts much stock in its teachings had better start getting used to extremely hot temperatures right now! 

The version of The Eight Days of Pesach presented herein is also the one chanted earlier this year by comedian/actor Ricky Gervais when he followed up his controversial insult-laden hosting of the Golden Globe Awards with a controversial insult-laden hosting of a Passover Seder which, incidentally, was attended by the Legendary Jewish vampire, Vlad the Retailer  and the mythical Jewish creature known as the LOJM.

It is also the favorite version of The Eight Days of Pesach of the vainglorious Mottel the Itinerant Rabbi, Ma Nistanah and Pa Rumpumpum, the two halves of the happiest mixed marriage in Show Business, and Al Rothman, President of the Men’s Club of Temple Boray Perry Hagolfen.

Gee, I sure have written a heck of a lot about the Jews.

I ought to pick on somebody else for a change!

The Eight Days of Pesach

 On the first day of Pesach, Elijah gave to me:
An Afikomen hidden stealthily!

On the second day of Pesach, Elijah gave to me:
Two hands-washed-in-Dove,*
and an Afikomen hidden stealthily!

On the third day of Pesach, Elijah gave to me:
Three dipped karpas-ends,
Two hands-washed-in-Dove,
and an Afikomen hidden stealthily!

On the fourth day of Pesach, Elijah gave to me:
Four sons (one’s a turd),**
Three dipped karpas-ends,
Two hands-washed-in-Dove,
and an Afikomen hidden stealthily!

On the fifth day of Pesach, Elijah gave to me:
(a) five year-old the Four Questions sings!!!,
Four sons (one’s a turd),
Three dipped karpas-ends,
Two hands-washed-in-Dove,
and an Afikomen hidden stealthily!

On the sixth day of Pesach, Elijah gave to me:
Six charoses bricks a-laying,
(a) five year-old the Four Questions sings!!!,
Four sons (one’s a turd),
Three dipped karpas-ends,
Two hands-washed-in-Dove,
and an Afikomen hidden stealthily!

On the seventh day of Pesach, Elijah gave to me:
Seven wine cups; head’s-spinning,
Six charoses bricks a-laying,
(a) five year-old the Four Questions sings!!!,
Four sons (one’s a turd),
Three dipped karpas-ends,
Two hands-washed-in-Dove,
and an Afikomen hidden stealthily!

On the eighth day of Pesach, Elijah gave to me:
Eight lame jokes a-milking,***
Seven wine cups; head’s spinning,
Six charoses bricks a-laying,
(a) five year-old the Four Questions sings!!!,
Four sons (one’s a turd),
Three dipped karpas-ends,
Two hands-washed-in-Dove,
and an Afikomen hidden
stealth--i--lyyy!


****************

Thank you, everyone.

Okay, Big Guy?

Big Guy? 

Big Guy???

ULLLPPPP!!!!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* soap is not actually used in the washing.  Whaddya want, I'm winging this!
** "one's a turd" --- i.e. the Wicked Son
*** "Eight lame jokes a milking" --- or however many you have around your Seder table.     Hopefully fewer, but probably not.

The Happiest Mixed Marriage in Show Business

                   

By Courtesy of Parade Magazine

Rose “Ma” Nishtanah turns from the stove, having tossed the last sprig of dill into her bubbling and internationally famous Matzoh Ball Soup.

“You know,” she says, “he’s never eaten so much as a spoonful of it, and yet I still love the guy anyway!”

At the kitchen table, Eustace “Pa” Rumpumpumpum smiles. “I know she and some of the children love it, but frankly it can’t hold spit to my delicious Safeway Cream of Mayonnaise soup!”

It’s like that a lot in the home of show business’ happiest mixed marriage, that of the iconic Ma Nishtanah and Pa Rumpumpumpum. Married for almost 35 years, the two of them keep their relationship flowering despite differences that’d make Sarah Palin and film maker Michael Moore seem like bunkmates!

Pa explains as he gives me a tour of the elaborate wood and metal working shop in the basement of their home.

“It’s the respect we have for each other’s traditions,” he says, “that keeps us going strong. She doesn’t bug me when I’m watching NASCAR, and I don’t bother her when she’s busy looking at Jon Stewart or some other Jewish-dominated mainstream media crap!”

This idyllic relationship didn’t happen overnight.

Eustace Rumpumpum (as he was then known; he added the third ‘pum’ later when he was able to afford it) came out of a dirt-poor Arkansas town so poor it didn’t even have dirt to score a number of gospel based hits, including “Jesus Loves Me, But I Just Wanna Be Friends, ” ”Amazing Nancy Grace,” and the cross-over album that forever associated him with the holidays “A Glenn Beck Christmas.”

Subsequently acquiring the nickname Pa for no discernable reason whatsoever, Eustace’s shaky first marriage to cocktail waitress/roller derby queen/ Associate Professor of Russian Literature at the University of Southern California Tammy Lynette Hairnette ended tragically when he audited her course on Tolstoy and still managed to flunk.

Rose Nishtanah's journey to fame began when her parents fled the Russian shtetl of Anapaquin to escape marauding bands of Cossacks which chased them all the way to 57th street before deciding to give up and sail back home. With a talent for song and dance, Rose became the toast of Broadway performing with her sisters as “Ma and the Joongs,” earning herself a nickname that would forever ensure her tons of free press every Passover.

Like Pa, Ma suffered a failed first marriage to the charming Irwin “Buddy” Berenson, a dapper Broadway ne’er do well who wore a pencil thin mustache because he had gambled away all the hairs in a regular size one. Smitten hard, Rose stood by Buddy as he systematically went through her Fortune, her Time, and her entire collection of National Geographics before dying penniless and mustache-less at age 43.

Both unlucky in love, Ma and Pa met each other on the set of the old “Hollywood Palace” TV program.

“I never realized how attractive a Jewess could be,” says Pa, “before she’d yet fallen under the sway of the Devil’s dominion.” For her part, Rose adds “I’d hadn’t ever dated a man who wasn’t a doctor, lawyer, or someone who’d inherited his father’s auto parts store.”

Within a week, the two were married and disowned by both sets of parents. Nonetheless, both credit their personal happiness as sparking the separate phenomenal success each has since enjoyed in motion pictures, television, concerts, Hadassah fundraisers, and “I Love the Second Amendment” bake sales.

Rejoining Ma in the kitchen, the couple affectionately speak about their large family of six children, three of which are Jewish and three of which are Southern Gentile What's-a-Who-Sis.

“I have three wonderful children,” kvells Ma, “and three more too.” 

“I dearly love all my children," Pa adds, "the Jewish ones almost as much as the real ones.”

With both still highly active in show business, we asked Ma and Pa what performers they each personally enjoy today.

“That Mel Gibson,” says Ma, “he’s quite an exciting action hero, and still such a dreamboat!”

“And I have always loved Ms. Barbra Streisand,” chimes in Pa. “She was so very affecting in Yentl.”

For a moment, each stares at the other.

Suddenly a steaming hot plate of Matzoh Ball Soup comes sailing on a direct course toward the venerable country star’s ever greasy head. It narrowly misses his pompadour and splatters off the wall behind the kitchen table. Pa swiftly sends his half-opened Budweiser in the direction of the sink, missing Ma but scoring a frothy hit on a nearby jar of herring.

All at once both of them break out laughing hysterically.

Sometimes our differences,” Ma Nishtanah and Pa Rumpumpumpum --- two halves of the happiest mixed marriage in show business --- say almost in unison, “are less than they seem.”

That should be true for us all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not a Member of the Tribe? 

    Ma Nishtahah  -  name for the traditional "Four Questions" asked every Passover by the youngest child at the Seder. The questions ask "Why is this Night different from all other nights?" and go on to confound and perplex from there.

    kvell - to express delight and pride.  I know, I know --- doesn't happen much with you and me.

A Jew's Christmas 2009

Oy to the World

I must say I’m overwhelmed.

Since the landmark publishing of my blog several weeks ago, I’ve received an overwhelming response from my readership (sorry, I meant my “reader-skiff”). Frankly, that your response would have been anything beyond the swift and calculated formation of a lynching party was something for which I never dared hope.

But amazingly you have showered me with accolades, making it very difficult to shampoo, but thrilling to me nonetheless! Congratulations have poured in from people ‘round the globe who in many cases I’ve never met, are no longer living, or never even existed. All of them share this in common: they found Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute to inhabit the high cultural and literary plain of The Biggest Loser, the National Enquirer Bill Clinton has an Alien Advisor issue, and any program featuring the talented and irrepressible television host par excellence Tom Bergeron!

 What can I say?

I can say: Thank you, my dear friends! My heart is overflowing!!! In the future, I’ve just got to remember to turn my heart off whenever I leave the house.

 Many of you have asked if I could make my sensitive warm-hearted cross-cultural paean to the holiday season, A Jew’s Christmas 2009, available for current reading and fish wrapping. My initial thought had been to return it to the Disney Vault until subsequent years’ writings provided me with enough literary bulk to bulk up a best-selling book. Which actually might have been a bit easier to do than say!

But you know the Disney people --- they wanted to sock me with a monthly charge as uber-enormous as Ursula the Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid. And getting my own vault was unthinkable since I would never be able to remember the combination.

So here it is, years ahead of its intended publication --- A Jew’s Christmas 2009! Please note that some of the tweets have been expanded in light of my official blog ruling not to limit individual tweets to only 140 characters. So to you Twitter purists who would actually count the spaces and turn me in --- Be gone, you have no power here!

Now I invite you to sit back, relax, light a fire in the fire place or if you don’t have a fireplace burn down the least favorite room in your house, and enjoy A Jew’s Christmas 2009!

A Jew’s Christmas 2009

1. Last night visions of sugar plums danced in my head. If they don’t keep it down tonight, I’m calling the police!

2. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Orchestra Seats - $150; Mezzanine - $45. Adult language, positively no children under 18!

3. ADA* File: Name: Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer. Disability: Has a very shiny nose. Reasonable Accommodation: If you ever see it, don’t even say it glows!

4. I’m dreaming of a White Christmas ... and after that, I’m going to do New Year’s in a turquoise and Hanukkah in kind of a light mauve.

5. To get good people who will work on Christmas, Santa Claus has copied the practice of the  Daily Show and only hires Jewish elves.

6. Clarence: “You’re not going to like it, George! She’s about to close up the library!
 George: “Great! I never could get her lazy butt to work when I was alive!”

7. “You'll be visited by three spirits: the Ghost of Christmas Past, The Ghost of Christmas Present, and the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Be! By the way, he’s a real shnorrer, so make sure and boot him out after three days!"

8. If Jack Frost were nipping at my nose, I’d belt him one!

9. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you're awake. And if when you're sleeping, he goes "awwww!!!" then you're In Like Flynn, toy-wise, dude!

10. Who is Pa Rumpumpumpum? The guy in the hardware store who makes the keys? The bench coach for the LA Dodgers? One half of the happiest mixed marriage in show business? 

11. “Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.” Great story, huh, Santa Claus visiting a rodent infested dump!

12. "Brandon,” I said (a few years back), as he was laying out milk & cookies for Santa, “I think I should tell you...….that Santa…umm…is….is...…lactose intolerant!”

 13. “And he filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk.” Gee, I never knew Joaquin Phoenix was with Santa!

14. Christmas for the Jews: In the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he is Rabbi Brownstein!

15. “You see, George, you really had a wonderful life. Except before you go back, make sure and have sex with Violet Bick!  And please, tell me how she was!"

16."What do you mean you're too old for details, George?"

17. And Happy Christmas to all, and to all, a good riddance!

18. HR Journal: Performance Evaluation, 2009: S. Claus --- Below Expectations. Only dashed away Donder and Blitzen. Must learn to dash away all!

19. No, Virginia …… there is no fucking Santa Claus. Now knock it off!

20. Merry Christmas, and for the Jews, Happy Hunan Beef, Everyone!!!


Extra Bonus Feature

A Jew’s Hanukkah 2009

1. Due to economy related cutbacks, this year Hanukkah will last only two nights and part of one morning.

2. Frankly, the Hanukkah Eight (8) Day Oil Miracle isn’t all that impressive compared to me making it to work with the gauge on empty and me too lazy to stop for gas.

3. Another Hanukkah ends --- Pack away the menorah, renegotiate the fire insurance, and pray that maybe next year someone writes a more kickass Hanukkah song than  I have a Little Dreidel. **

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*The ADA is the Americans with Disabilities Act, which protects against discrimination due to physical or mental disabilities. Reasonable Accommodation refers generally to those steps an employer must take to assist a qualified person with a disability in performing his or her job. You find that boring? How'd you like to spend your whole career messing with stuff like this?

** Actually someone has. In honor of the late Mary Travers, I note that Light One Candle by Peter, Paul, & Mary is about Hanukkah. I admit, however, I’ve never heard it sung in shul.