Notes on an 800th Post

"And it came to pass that I looked down upon the Internet and I saw that it was formless and void when it came to humor blogs about neurotic ill-adjusted Jewish Baby Boomers.

And darkness was over the surface of the deep but fortunately I had a night light because I'm afraid of the dark.

And the deep too.

And I said "Let there be a humor blog entitled Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute" and I brought forth a humor blog about a neurotic ill-adjusted Jewish Baby Boomer. And I saw that it wasn't very good, but I had time on my hands. 

And it was the evening and the morning of the first day, which is all it took because we're talking about a dopey humor blog, not the heavens and the earth.

And I blessed the blog --- as blessing things is sort of a hobby of mine --- and I bade it be fruitful and multiply. As in readers. 

I'm still waiting for it to learn how to add, let alone multiply.

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That was how it began seven and one-half years ago when I first started writing Perry Block - Nouveau Old Formerly Cute.

Back in that day there were very few if any Baby Boomer oriented humor blogs, so I thought I'm was going to be famous in no time, riding in limos, doing cocaine with A-List film stars, and having sexual relations with women of every race, creed, color, and political persuasion, but not Republicans. 

I began writing in earnest but I had to rewrite the first several blogs in English because no one reads Earnest anymore. Some of my posts were funny but frankly some of them were unfunny. 

Some of them were so unfunny that they turned those who read them to stone. 

I'm very sorry for those of you whose family members read "Perry and Dick Cavett Do the Daily Jumble Together" or "The Sheer Joy of Quantum Mechanics." But at least your loved ones are with you forever.

Years later, except for the sexual relations with women of every race, creed, color, and political persuasion, but not Republicans except for a couple of Republicans thrown in for the experience, success frankly has not materialized for me. 

But I've kept at it.  And along the way I've had fun with characters like:

The LOJM - the mythic creature who jumps in front of the camera whenever Jewish men of a certain age have a picture taken causing someone as young and handsome as me to look like a troll in the picture.  But kind of a cute troll.

The Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer - over 800 years old and a blood-sucking creature of the night, but with it all, a mensch.

Cupid, the God of Love - who's resigned his position as God of Love and whose arrows no longer cause people to fall in love but only to admire each others' clothing.

Ma Nishtanah & Pa Rumpumpumpum- the happiest mixed marriage in show business.

and

Perry, the Bummed-Out Baby Boomer - one very neurotic, insecure, and regretful Baby Boomer who bares no resemblance whatsoever to me.  Except with respect to every single last fucking thing.

And now I have reached 800 posts.

Many people have asked me  if I would share some of my patented humor writing secrets. I must admit they are not actually patented, but they have all had their shots and are available right now for adoption.

Eliminate all excess words from your writing. There is no better example of this principle than my funniest post ever: 

Bop

Dog poop, I’m yelling.

Ha ha ha ha!  Takes years of practice, folks!

If you are not feeling funny on a specific day, do not push the work. Have sex with prostitutes instead. Don't forget to call me first.

Writer's block?  Yes, I can tell you how to beat writer's block. You just have to... huh!  Funny, I thought I had something to say about that. I don't know.  Not sure. Drawing a blank here. Check me later.

Never use the phrase "I digress." That means you have ventured off the main path of your subject and are adding stuff that you think is funny but doesn't really belong. Get rid of it and use it elsewhere where it fits. And guess what? This is a real tip!

Still not feeling funny?  That's enough with the hookers. Time for you to go back to work. I'll take over.

I'd like to thank a few folks whom I have probably never thanked before for their support and encouragement: Don Holley, Tracey Lane Delaplain, Robert Siegel, Monica Kulaski, Merilyn Jackson, Kate Konigisor, Lisa Lynch, and Ilil Arbel.  Hey thanks, guys!

No, you can't have my night light.

See you again when we hit 900 posts. Provided I'm not busy with women of every race, creed, color, and political persuasion.

But not Republicans.

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Notes on a 400th Post

I still can't believe it!

This is the 400th post of  Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.

It seems like only four years and 400 posts ago that I began this blog.  Back then never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that one day I'd have written 400 posts and would be just as obscure and unsuccessful as I was right at the beginning!

And yet somehow it all came true.

There are so many people to thank.  First, I have to thank all my fans from the bottom of my heart!  There aren't that many fans at the top of my heart either.

Then I want to thank my high school English teacher Miss Schoendeinst for having had zero interest in me or positive influence upon me such that I am today unable to scribble even the most rudimentary sentence of the most microscopic interest or amusement whatsoever.

Thank you, Miss Schoendeinst!

Finally I'd like to thank my gene pool for providing me virtually no discernible sense of humor such that each and every unfunny post  in this blog has been about as entertaining as spending an evening with Carson Daly.  And I have managed this while being Jewish, despite the fact that most Jewish people are funny! 

As is my custom on anniversary posts (I've now done it twice),  I'd like to answer a few questions that have no doubt been burning in your minds. OMG, your minds are on fire!   I told you to give up smoking nine posts ago!

How did this blog begin?
Actually I was looking for a job in human resources and thought I'd go on Twitter as the funny human resources person. I soon found that image limiting and broadened my humor, which ultimately led to the blog. 

That answer was unfunny.
Odd.  I worked on that one a long time.

The central theme of your blog is the aging angst of the typical Boomer. What do you actually think about the aging process?  
It's the one process for which nobody is ever going to win a Nobel Prize by figuring out how to speed it up.

Do you prefer writing the posts about yourself or the other parodies and satires? 
I can't stand writing them all just the same.

Is the flawed, insecure, and neurotic character you write about actually you?
Flatterer!

You use a picture on your blog that's obviously not current. How old is it anyway? 
My picture is nearly ten years old.  If it were a person, it would be masturbating by now. 

Why don't you change it? 
 The day it begins aging instead of me is the day I'll change it.

Why on this night do we eat reclining?
Don't be cute.

You write about how old and terrible you look.  Don't you ever look good?
I look best in a low light.  If you saw me in a graveyard at midnight, then you'd probably want to have sex with me. 

What are some of the advantages of having fewer fans than there are bi-partisan Republicans?
The one major advantage is that I am able to carefully hone and craft my humor writing without the disruptive intrusion of readers.

What's ahead for the blog?
Oh, there are many surprises ahead!  I have no ideas so I expect to be surprised.

Well, we'll be reading!
You have to. You're me.

And for those of you do read Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute who don't have to, thank you! 

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