Hamill Town, An American Star Wars Musical

   

            HAMILL TOWN                 AN AMERICAN STAR WARS MUSICAL

Lin-Manuel Miranda has done it again!

What has the creator of one of the hottest shows ever to play Broadway done?

Nothing less than double his remarkable success with the opening of his latest musical, a hip hoppin’ retelling of the Star Wars legend called Hamill Town!

Miranda's second tune-filled masterpiece presents a play within a play as the residents of a small Kansas community named after an actor who was box office poison for 40 years annually presents a thrilling Star Wars pageant.

Opening with a rousing tribute to the town of Hamill Town (Welcome All to Hamill Town), the townsfolk enact the tale of Alexander Skywalker, abandoned by his father and living on the forgotten spot planet of Tatooine. 

Longing for more, Alexander finds himself in the middle of the Revolutionary War against the Empire.  Befriended by the leader of the Revolution, Obie-Wan Washington, Alexander shares adventures with Chewbacca Adams, the Marquis de R2-D2, Jabba the Jefferson and his enigmatic rival Darth Burr, who may actually be his father. 

The play ends spectacularly in a light saber duel between the two as Skywalker sings "Who Lives, Who Dies,George Lucas Tells Your Story." 

Once again the incomparable Miranda stars in the lead role and his voice is as strong and lyrical as ever as he sings:

I'm blasting into space

To save the human race

And through my veins does course

The Mighty Feder-a-list Force!

A revelation in the role of Darth Burr, however, is Nicolas Cage. Who'd have thought he could sing hip hop?  Who'd have thought he could dance? Who'd have thought he could act?

If you've got a trust fund, rich uncle, or are a porn star who's had sex with Donald Trump and recently received your lump sum payoff, get yourself down to the Helen Hunt Theater and marvel to Hamill Town!  

And good news! Word is that before long Lin-Manuel may have a third hit show on his hands, a musical based on the life of one of the beloved stars of the movie The Wizard of Oz.

Personally, I just can't wait for:I TOWN

 HAMILL TOWN

AN AMERICAN STA

 HAMILTON   

AN AMERICAN WIZARD OF OZ MUSICAL     

AN AMERICAN STAR WARS MUSICAL

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Nels Noodleman is a nationally known and reviled theater critic who writes on the Broadway stage.  Whenever he's discovered writing on the stage, he's usually thrown out of the theater. Over the course of his checkered but mostly plaid career Nels has reviewed all of the major Broadway plays of the last half century. 

Someday he hopes to see them too.

Star Wars: The Force Ages

Glass of warm buttermilk, Mr. Ford?

I don't go to the movies much anymore, but my son Brandon was back from study abroad in Amsterdam and home on winter break, so we decided to go see Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

"That will be two adults for the Star Wars movie," I said. 

"Two adults?" said the young woman behind the counter quizzically.

"I know what you're thinking," I replied. "But my son is in college so I believe he is over the age for the child rate." 

"Sir, your son is over the age for the child rate in human years, dog years, and light years. What I mean is, it's one adult and one senior!"

"Senior?!" I  scoffed, "There has to be a mistake.  To be a senior you have to be practically..."

"65 years old and up, sir, which I believe you are."

Damn that accursed word "senior!"  I've avoided it as long as I could, but now that I'm 65 I qualify for the senior discount in even the most johnny-come-lately-to-give-a-senior discount establishments. Some of them start as early as 55, some at 62, but nobody later than 65.  

There's just no escaping it now. I've sunk to senior status even at my friendly neighborhood movie house!

I accepted my discount, we entered the theater and settled into our seats, and the movie began. And no sooner had I read 

"A long time ago in a galaxy far far away" 

than I heard a voice anything but far, far away whispering at my side.

"Excuse me, sir, would you like something from the snack bar?"

"Well, yes, I was going to get some popcorn in a little while."

"No need for that sir. This is a special service for seniors. I can also take you to the bathroom when you're ready and wait for you in the adjoining stall."

"Thanks, but I don't need this," I spat out.  "I'm not infirm or anything."

"I know that, sir, but you may want to conserve energy for checkers tomorrow."

"Checkers?!! I don't play .... okay, okay, bring me a coke!" .

"Are you sure you want a coke?  We serve warm buttermilk now."

Two hours passed.  The First Order and the Republic were locked in fierce and furious space-born battle,  and  I learned I really hate warm buttermilk.

Again there was a voice at my side.

"Sir, this movie gets kind of violent the rest of the way. Would you like to go in the lobby, I'll tell you the ending, and our senior shuttle can take you home?"

"Why ... why ... why," I barked hoarsely, "do you know that two major actors in this movie are so-called seniors and another one is close behind, and that's not counting Max von Sydow?!"

"Well, you don't see them watching the movie, do you?"

You know that kind of made sense. And to be honest, although I like Star Wars I think seven of these movies may be three or four too many. The shuttle turned out to be kind of comfortable, and the ending wasn't half bad as recited dramatically to me by 17 year old Rodney Thistle from Broomall PA.  

As a senior, maybe the Force is no longer with me. 

But I'll sure be pumped for checkers tomorrow!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Five Daisies in Search of a Movie (FF)

© Erin Leary

"Judging from the five of us here," said Lily, "it looks like we're in one of those post-apocalyptic movies."

"I think you're right," said Petals. "All life on earth has been destroyed except for us, the last five plants on earth!"

"But what killed us?" asked Stig.

"Probably overwatering," said Floret.

"But why a post-apocalyptic movie about daisies? What kind of adventures could we have?"

"I have no idea, Petals" replied Floret.  "But  you know, that's quite some thick stem you got there!"

"And Iris,  I never knew you were packing such pistils!"

"OMG, guys! I just realized what kind of movie we're in." 

"What's that, Floret?"

"Post-Apocalyptic Plant Porno."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nothing like a good post-apocalyptic movie starring Denzel Washington, Mel Gibson, or a bunch of daisies.  Yes, they're the stars of the upcoming film I'm putting on Kickstarter this week .... at least according to my Friday Fictioneers entry based on the picture prompt above.

Why not daisies starring in a movie? Their salary demands are low and I've certainly seen actors less animated. You guys happen to experience Hayden Christensen in that second round of Star Wars films?

There's no Hayden Chistensen in the other Friday Fictioneers' offerings, I promise. Wander through the daisies, don't pick any because there's only five left, and click here and enjoy ...

Beware, the Baby Blob!

"When the Blob was destroyed six months ago right outside my home," said Stefan McKing, the noted monster hunter, "a little piece of it escaped, never yet to be found."

"Oh, no!" I said.  "I thought that horrible creature was destroyed once and for all."

"I've searched,  Lord knows I've searched," McKing told me. "I've combed through the entire house and grounds countless times!"

"And nothing?" I muttered.

"Nothing at all!"

"You know, McKing," I said, "if I were you, I'd burn down the place.  I'd knock over that candle on the hall table and let it all go up in flames!"

"No,  I'd never get rid of that candle," said  McKing.  "I love the cool design the melted wax makes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't know how many sequels to The Blob this makes, but I'm happy to present my own personal sequel as this week's  contribution to the Friday Fictioneers based on the picture prompt above, especially in this time of endless reboots of science fiction, horror, and monster movies.   

I understand that a Star Wars sequel is soon in the offing as well, and that the three stars of the original cast will all appear.  This should be really cool, although I'll miss having Mark Hamill mowing my lawn for the couple of weeks he'll be gone.   In any event, don't you miss the contributions of the other Fictioneers to this week's prompt, which are not a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, but clickable right here.

Beware, the Baby Blob!  But first, take a whiff of this lovely scented candle ....

The Return of Han Solo

Han Solo Encased in a Block of Carbonite.

From Episode 7 of Star Wars:   The Return of the Shut Eye 

Damn shame!  This time around Harrison Ford didn't come through this nearly as well as he did when he was 38.  

Wonder why ....

The above story and prompt that inspired it are my humble offerings in this week's Friday Fictioneers Holiday Extravaganza.

Try to have a Happy Thanksgiving, Harrison!

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Walt Disney Pictures Presents

STAR BORES

Episodes 7 - ?

A not-so-long time ago

in a multi-plex not so far away,

 George Lukas dusted off his entertaining though light weight 
trilogy of science fiction movies known as "Star Wars" and created 
a wholly unnecessary self-aggrandizing trilogy of mostly boring and overwrought sequels known as "Jar-Jar Binks?  Really?" At that point it all  should have rested.  BUT NO!  The Walt Disney Company, also never content to let a good thing go until it has to be carried out flat on its back gasping for breath, has purchased the franchise and now not- so- proudly but profitably presents:

Star Bores

Chapter Seven:

The Cash Register Strikes Back

Starring

Your New Disney Cast

Luke Skywalker

is now

Duck Skywalker

Princess Leia Organa 

is now

Disney Princesses' 

Tag Team

Han Solo

is still 

Han Solo

  'cause considering that Star Bores' viewing audience is mostly geeks pent up alone in their bedrooms reading  comic books and sniffing airplane glue, you just couldn't pick a better character name ...  

Obi-Wan Kenobi

is now 

Dopey-Wan Kenobi 

C-3PO and R2-D2 

are now

C-SmeePO and R2-Pluto

Chewbacca

is now


LeFouBacca

and

Darth Vader

is now

Darth  Goofy

Chapter Seven:

The Cash Register Strikes Back

(a preview)

Scene 1 - Duck Skywalker is being trained in the art of fighting with light sabres by his new Jedi master, Dopey-Wan Kenobi.

Dopey-Wan:   Duck, concentrate!  Feel the Force within you!

Duck:  I am feeling the Force, very deeply!  BTW,  when is Snow White coming over, got any idea, huh, huh, HUH?

Dopey-Wan: Not that Force!

Duck:  What do you want, I'm a 17 year old kid living on the planet Tatooine!

Just then, a projection of a young woman emanates from R2-Pluto. 

Projection:  Help me, Dopey-Wan!

Duck:  Why it's a Disney Princess!  think it's  Jasmine.

Projection:  Help me, Dopey-Wan!

Duck:   Now it's changed, now it's Cinderella!  What's going on here, Dopey-Wan?

Dopey-Wan:  Remind me to train you in the ways of Marketing next, Duck Skywalker!

~~~~~~~

Scene 2 - Luke and Dopey-Wan (together with C-SmeePO and R2-Pluto) enter an alien bar attempting to book passage for the planet Alderaan. 


Duck:  OMG, look at this awful place!

C-SmeePO: Yes, Master Duck,  I haven't seen so many freakish, mutant-like, disreputable characters since the last time I attended a party at Donald Trump's house.

Dopey-Wan: We'd like to hire you to take us to Alderaan, Captain.  What is your name?

Han Solo:   I'm Han Solo. This is  my partner, LeFouBacca.

Duck:  Wait a minute!  Han Solo? Your name is the same as my favorite hobby? 

Han Solo:  That's right, kid.  Disney always knows what it's doing.  Right, Fouey?

Le Fou:  Yes, Gaston!  I mean, Han. 

~~~~~~~

Scene 3 - Duck Skywalker and Darth Goofy engage in a fierce battle with light sabres.

Darth Goofy:  Fine move!  Very impressive.

Duck:  That's nothing; you should see me drink milk and spit it out my duck bill.

Darth Goofy:  DUCK, I AM YOUR FATHER!

Duck:  You're my father?!!!  But I thought my father was...

Darth Goofy: Frozen?  Not anymore!  Not when I  hear there's a good buck to be made!

Duck:  So you are ... you are ...

Darth Goofy:  I am Walt Disney, your father!  And father of Star Wars,  Disney World,  ABC,  ESPN,  Good Morning America (talk about Goofy!) and  just about everyone and everything else! 

I Am YOUR Father Too, Reader! 

 Pay Me!

Walt "Anakin" Disney

~~~~~~~~~

Coming soon:                                    

Star Bores
Chapter Eight:

The Return of the Shut Eye 

Star Trek Drek

Characters

Captain James T. Kirk --- Captain of Starship Enterprise Value

Mr. Spock --- Starship First Officer

Bones McCoy --- Starship Doctor

Lt. Uhura –-- Senior Starship Officer*

Mr. Sulu ---   Lieutenant and Starship Helmsman

Voice of Glotz --- An Alien 

*At this performance the role of Lt. Uhura will be played by Lisa Lynch aka @StarTrekWreck

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kirk:  Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise Value, its five year mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and civilizations to which to sell Star Trek action figures, Vulcan ears, and cheap memorabilia of every kind and description a/k/a drek, to boldly go where no shameless huckster has gone before."

Star Trek theme plays. 

Kirk: (voiceover) Captain’s Log Star Date the 37^th of Bleen, 2476.  It is becoming quite alarming to all of us on the Starship Enterprise Value that it has been over six months since we last encountered a civilization anywhere in the universe that hasn't already become sick to the point of nauseation from the endless Star Trek drek we've been peddling throughout the cosmos.  

If we don’t find a suitable planet of live gullible prospects soon, we will all face the end of our special mission, bitter unemployment, and the desperate prospect of two or three extra seasons of T. J. Hooker!

Scene shifts to inside of Starship Enterprise Value

Kirk: Still nothing, Mr. Sulu?

Sulu: No planet in sight. Captain.  

Kirk: Keep at it, Mr. Sulu, please keep ... at ... it!

Sulu: Captain?  Do you think I’ll ever get back to  my Facebook account? I was getting very popular with the Romulans, Cardassians, and Kardashians.  

Kirk: (breaking down) I just don’t know, Mr. Sulu,  I ... just ... don't ... know!  Frankly it wouldn't matter if you were popular with the Vulcans or the Jews or even the ....

Spock:  (entering, with Bones) Did you call for me, Captain?  It is logical since I am half Vulcan and half Jewish.  (Making Vulcan hand signal.) Live long and prosper, and never shop retail!

Bones: Quiet, Spock. (Sensing Kirk’s despair) Jim, Jim, you’ve got to snap out of it!  We'll find a suitable planet of untapped Trekkies, I'm sure of it! 

Kirk: (bitter)  You think so?  Why such optimism from someone in your profession, Bones?  Health care hasn't been much of a career ever since all infectious diseases were wiped out years ago by Dr. Snooki Polizzi.  

Bones: Jim, I’ve never seen you so negative!  Spock, can you do anything with him?

Spock:  Actually, doctor, I’ve run a probability check.  It is more logical that we will encounter a planet where sane and reasonable phaser control has been implemented than one that hasn't already become saturated with Montgomery Scott Lunchboxes.

Bones:  (Disgusted with Spock’s coolness) Spock, as always, all the sensitivity and warmth  of Federation President Mitt Romney XXIV!  

In comes Lt. Uhuru.

Uhura:  Hello, Captain.  Uhh ... Captain, it being there’s not much to do around here, I ... umm ... was wondering if you’d approve me taking a second job.

Kirk:  As long as there’s no conflict of interest with your primary work on the Starship Enterprise Value.  What would you be doing?

Uhura: Selling secrets to the Klingons.

Kirk: (lifeless) Oh, no problem there.  Good luck, Lieutenant. 

Uhura: (to Spock)  That was so easy, Mr. Spock!  What’s happened to him?

Spock: I’m not sure, Lieutenant, but it may have something to do with his recent realization that for years he has had a dead tribble atop his head.

Sulu:  (breaking in) Captain, look up ahead. A planet!!

Bones:  (encouraging) Ya see, Jim!?

Kirk: Yes, yes it is a planet!  Mr. Sulu? Read-outs, please!

Sulu: (reading from the screen before him) Life forms, Captain.  Straight, gay, and….wow!!    Beam me down, Scotty!

Kirk:  Forget that, Mr. Sulu! What’s important is:  Do they have Captain Kathryn Janeway Blow-Up Dolls? 

Sulu: I don’t have a “Blow-Up Doll” read out, Captain.  But we are receiving a transmission from the planet!

(Unseen Voice from transmission speaks.)

Glotz: Welcome Starship Enterprise Value!  I am Commander Glotz of the Planet Bilge.

Kirk:  Greetings, Glotz!  We come in peace to bring you a mind-numbing barrage of Star Trek memorabilia to enrich your lives and empty your pocket books. 

Glotz:  Sorry, Captain, we've had it up to the gills with all that stuff.  And we actually do have gills to have it up to here with too!

Kirk: (getting very upset) No!  No! It can't be!  It ... just ... can’t ... be!

Bones: Jim, Jim, now take it easy…..

Spock: Doctor, I think this might be a logical time for me to hold the Captain, while you hit him with a considerable dose of Brain Viagra. 

Spock and Bones grapple with the distraught Kirk as they try to administer the Brain Viagra.

Glotz:  Yes, Captain, we're sick to death of Tickle Me, Yodas,  Mark Hamel Unemployment Application Sets,  and  Princess Leia Expandable Action Figures! 

Kirk: (brightening up) Bones, Spock ... did I hear what I think I did?

Glotz:  Wait a minute, Captain!   Did you say Star Trek, not Star Wars?  We've been hanging for this day!   Do you have the authentic  Pavel Chekov Comb-Over Kit?

Kirk:  (Back to his former self,  praise Roddenberry!)  That and a whole lot more! 

Glotz:  Well, then: Come on Down!

Spock:  It is now logical to assume, Captain, that we’ll be dispensing Star Trek drek for many years to come.  All of which makes me want to dance the hora!   In a dispassionate  and lifeless manner of course.   

Sulu: Set a course for the planet Bilge, Captain?  

Kirk:  Yes, Mr. Sulu,  steady as she goes. Our five year mission continues! Our cause is just, our inventory full, and the fees for all merchandise well, we’re not exactly talking Priceline.com!

Star Trek music is heard.  

You can buy the CD cheap if you'd like!   

The End

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