A New Joke for Humanity

LOL!  LMAO!  ROTFLMAO!

(It's all good.)

As many of you know, I happen to be somewhat of an inventor. And in my sincere hope of bringing merriment and joy to the world, I have invented a totally new form of humor!  

I call it the New Joke for Humanity. (pat. pend.)

Never mind the fact that last year I invented the world's first pair of pants that makes you look Jewish.  Although I was quite proud of the patented "Crouch Control" spandex  feature, not only did my pants fail to catch on with the American public, I'm facing lawsuits from half a dozen men who bought them including one guy who came down with something called "Inverted Penis Syndrome" who's being represented by Alan Dershowitz.

But the New Joke for Humanity will be different. 

We live in an age crying out for humor. "Shit My Dad Says" still has three million followers, Kristin Wiig is given a send-off on Saturday Night Live as if she were Charlie Chaplin, and in some remote pockets of the northernmost reaches of the central United States, Jay Leno is considered sporadically amusing.  

So several weeks ago I retreated to my Comedy Laboratory  (Note to Self:  Invent Comedy Laboratory)  intent on creating  a joke guaranteed to make you laugh your bejesus off!  BTW, unlike your ass, you can survive quite well without a functioning bejesus. 

After weeks of working feverishly without food, drink, or rest --- which will be condensed into an action-packed montage when the movie is made --- I fashioned the first three prototypes of my New Joke for Humanity: 

• "I just can't remember how you describe an article of clothing for someone of average build," the medium sighs.

• "I just can't remember the name of that famous drag queen," rued Paul.

• “Be-be, be-be,-be-be, I just can’t remember the name of that animal with the-the q-q-q-quills,” Porky opined. 

Cute premise, huh?  Thank you very much!

How do I know I have actually invented this revolutionary new joke format and that no person before me has ever scaled the heights of this incredible Mt. Everest of Comedy? 

Frankly I've conducted extensive and painstaking research in dusty libraries, esoteric museums, out-of-the-way antiques shops, and third-rate comedy clubs all throughout the world (or Google has) and found only one instance in history of the existence of a similar joke. That joke was delivered by an obscure young Greek comic named Drolius at open mike night in the Athens Lyceum in 427 BC. 

He did orate as follows:

• "As sure as I am  the greatest philosopher of all time, I forget what I did to Plato that night he and I spent together in a cave," butted in Socrates.

It didn't get a laugh.  Drolius went on to sell aluminum siding for Ionic and Corinthian split levels.  

So when it comes to the New Joke for Humanity, I be da man!

Here, Humanity!   A few exemplars of the world's newest joke to LOL you to sleep:

• "As sure as I am the former star quarterback for the now defunct Baltimore Colts, I can't remember the name of the country I live in," Johnny Unitas states.

• "As sure as I am the popular older actor named Van Dyke,  I just don't know what I should have done to show my new young wife that part of my body I want her to pay most attention to," pointed out Dick.

• "I can't seem to remember how I got that tough stain out of my shirt last week," Ida shouted out.

• "As sure as I am the founder of a University in Baltimore named Hopkins, I just cannot remember what my former wife who is a trial judge does when she picks up her gavel to keep order in the court,"  Johns expounds.

• "I can't seem to remember the name of the capital of American's second largest state," Austin texts us.

• "And as sure as I'm a famous British actor named Michael, I can't remember the name of the second largest city in Washington State," spoke Caine.

• "As sure as I'm the founder of Motown, I can't remember the name of that small round red fruit," rasped Berry Gordy.

• "As sure as I'm the late Chicago author named Turkel, I just cannot remember what happened that night when everyone on the Chicago Bulls had sex," Studs ejaculated. 

Want to play around with the New Joke for Humanity yourself?  Be my guest!   But you better do it now!   Once the patent issues, there will be royalties.  Big time. 

"Because as sure as I'm that young-looking sportscaster named Bob,  never forget what'll happen if any one of us tries to make unauthorized use of Perry's invention," jokes Costas!  

Humanity is one thing, my friends.  Business is another!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I just don't remember what happened that time we had sex twice in one night," he came back at her.

Oh, the Lame Places You'll Go!

 Oh, the Lame Places  

Congratulations!

Today is your day.
You're off to Lame Places!
You're off and away!


You have feet in your head.
You have brains in your shoes.
You can steer yourself  
but any direction, you lose!

You're on you own. And you know what you know.
And it isn't that much, YOU'RE an ignorant shmoe! 

You'll look up and down streets.  Look 'em over with ennui.
About some you will say, "too much effort, not me!" 
With your shoes full of brains and your head full of feet, 
you'll stumble and bumble down just about any old street.

And you probably won't find any
you've the gonads to tred.
In that case, of course, 
you'll head straight back to bed!

It's much safer, you'll swear
"On my Beauty Rest so fair!"

Out there,

 Shit Can Happen!

it's invariably true
to people as incompetent
and inept as you!

And when shit starts to happen,
You'll worry. You'll stew.
With perfectly good reason
Because UP you will SCREW!

OH! THE LAME PLACES YOU'LL GO!

Are you on your way up?
Are you seeing great sights?

Nah, you're watching the tube,
It's Kardashian Nights.

C'mon, don't lag behind,  if you must take some speed,
and some downers and cocaine and hashish and weed.

Wherever you fly, you'll think life's a big bash,
But wherever you go ... BOOOM!!! my friend, you will crash!

Except from now on you don't.
Eight trips to Rehab say you won't.

Still I'm confident to say so
and, verily, it's true
that Car Bang-ups

and Phone Hang-ups

will happen always to you!


Life will have you all strung up
It can sting like a birch.
And the gang will fly on
You're less popular than Lurch!

That's the Addams Family's Lurch,
You dumb ignorant chump!
And the chances are finally 
You've caught on you're a Shlump!

And when you're a Shlump
you're not in for much fun.
Un-shlumping yourself
by a Shlump's never been done!

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Told you not to use Mapquest! You're surrounded, it's dark!
Six fullbacks are pummeling your head, face, and chin!

And there's nary a cop out. When you need 'em, they're in. 
How much can you lose? All you got, Gunga Din! 

Now, if you go in, should you turn left or right ...
or right-and-three-quarters? 

At SEX, you're a fright!  

Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Your date will cry "Foul!" and no doubt you will find,
She will mind-maker-upper to dump your behind!

You can get so confused
you go out and buy Mace,
and spray it on peaceful protesters right in the face!

And the world will brand you a disgusting disgrace!
Better hurry right back to your favorite place ...


                          THE WHINING PLACE ... 

...for people just whining.

Whining like a pain, you know
annoying all so they wish you'd go,
whining about all that rain, all that snow,
or why you didn't ding-a-ling Marilyn Monroe,

or about what you'd do if your Big Chance would show,
or why your scant hairs just won't grow.


Everyone - mostly you - is just whining.

Whining that the fish don't bite,
or whining that your date's a repulsive sight, 
or whining why your house is such urban blight,
or whining why you don't have Body by Jake,

or some pot to smoke, or a theatrical leg to break,
or teeth like pearls or expensive implants,
or a string of girls with your great big shvantz.


Everyone - mostly you - is just whining.   

SHUT THE HELL UP!

KNOW!

That's so you!

The only way you'll escape
all that wailing and braying
is if I drag you out somewhere,
anywhere, long as ABBA's not playing!

With your fly flip-flapping,
once more you'll squeak by,
messing up everything under the sky.
Stepping in elephant poop cause you're a poop-steppin' guy!

Oh, the Lame Places you'll go!  There's seeds unsown to bemoan!
There are points you won't score. There are games to be blown. 
And the marginal things you can do with that ball

will make you the losing-est loser of all.
Lame! You'll be a lame-ass as lame-ass can be, 
with the whole wide world watching you scratch your nuts on TV. 

Except sometimes you won't 
Because make the team, mostly you don't! 

And, yes, there'll be times
you'll play lonely games too,
like solitaire on the PC
and the loser'll always be you. 

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
When those sexual urges hit
you'll be alone quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll need websites and videos to get off neath your pants! 
Hot babes? Yeah, right, loser, go you hither and yon,
you'll be lucky to nail a female Elton John! 

But on you will go.
"Nah, the weather's too foul."
On you will go.
"Nah, can't miss A Night with Simon Cowell."

On you will go.
"Nah, our neighbors, the Hakken-Kraks, might howl."
Onward up many channels,
you lame TV freak,
though your arms may get sore
from clicking something even dumber to seek!

On and on you will hike.
... from your TV not far.
and succumb to your problems
however lame-o they are!

You're get mixed up, of course,
you'll be readily whacked.
You'll get mixed up
with strange turds like the GOP Presidential pack.

So be sure when you step.
Step with care, watch for shit,
and remember that Life's
one Piece of Crap SNL Bit!

And never forget though you're sad and bereft,
That everyone's nuts on the far right and far left!

And will you succeed?
Are you kidding, dickweed?
You'll wind up in the toilet,

On you Life will have peed!

So ...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray


AHHH ... I'm just having some fun in my typical way!


Yes, you're off to Great Places!

Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting

so .... 

Good Luck and Oy Vay!

the end
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~