Oh, the Lame Places
Congratulations!
Today is your day.You're off to Lame Places!
You're off and away!
You have feet in your head.
You have brains in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
but any direction, you lose!
You're on you own. And you know what you know.
And it isn't that much, YOU'RE an ignorant shmoe!
You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with ennui.
About some you will say, "too much effort, not me!"
With your shoes full of brains and your head full of feet,
you'll stumble and bumble down just about any old street.
And you probably won't find any
you've the gonads to tred.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight back to bed!
It's much safer, you'll swear
"On my Beauty Rest so fair!"
Out there,
Shit Can Happen!
to people as incompetent
and inept as you!
And when shit starts to happen,
You'll worry. You'll stew.
With perfectly good reason
Because UP you will SCREW!
OH! THE LAME PLACES YOU'LL GO!
Are you on your way up?
Are you seeing great sights?
Nah, you're watching the tube,
It's Kardashian Nights.
C'mon, don't lag behind, if you must take some speed,
and some downers and cocaine and hashish and weed.
Wherever you fly, you'll think life's a big bash,
But wherever you go ... BOOOM!!! my friend, you will crash!
Except from now on you don't.
Eight trips to Rehab say you won't.
Still I'm confident to say so
and, verily, it's true
that Car Bang-ups
Life will have you all strung up
It can sting like a birch.
And the gang will fly on
You're less popular than Lurch!
That's the Addams Family's Lurch,
You dumb ignorant chump!
And the chances are finally
You've caught on you're a Shlump!
you're not in for much fun.
Un-shlumping yourself
by a Shlump's never been done!
Told you not to use Mapquest! You're surrounded, it's dark!
Six fullbacks are pummeling your head, face, and chin!
And there's nary a cop out. When you need 'em, they're in.
How much can you lose? All you got, Gunga Din!
Now, if you go in, should you turn left or right ...
or right-and-three-quarters?
At SEX, you're a fright!
Your date will cry "Foul!" and no doubt you will find,
She will mind-maker-upper to dump your behind!
You can get so confused
you go out and buy Mace,
and spray it on peaceful protesters right in the face!
And the world will brand you a disgusting disgrace!
Better hurry right back to your favorite place ...
THE WHINING PLACE ...
...for people just whining.
annoying all so they wish you'd go,
whining about all that rain, all that snow,
or why you didn't ding-a-ling Marilyn Monroe,
or why your scant hairs just won't grow.
Everyone - mostly you - is just whining.
Whining that the fish don't bite,
or whining that your date's a repulsive sight,
or whining why your house is such urban blight,
or whining why you don't have Body by Jake,
or teeth like pearls or expensive implants,
or a string of girls with your great big shvantz.
Everyone - mostly you - is just whining.
SHUT THE HELL UP!
KNOW!
That's so you!
The only way you'll escape
all that wailing and braying
is if I drag you out somewhere,
anywhere, long as ABBA's not playing!
With your fly flip-flapping,
once more you'll squeak by,
messing up everything under the sky.
Stepping in elephant poop cause you're a poop-steppin' guy!
Oh, the Lame Places you'll go! There's seeds unsown to bemoan!
There are points you won't score. There are games to be blown.
And the marginal things you can do with that ball
Lame! You'll be a lame-ass as lame-ass can be,
with the whole wide world watching you scratch your nuts on TV.
Except sometimes you won't
Because make the team, mostly you don't!
And, yes, there'll be times
you'll play lonely games too,
like solitaire on the PC
and the loser'll always be you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
When those sexual urges hit
you'll be alone quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll need websites and videos to get off neath your pants!
Hot babes? Yeah, right, loser, go you hither and yon,
you'll be lucky to nail a female Elton John!
But on you will go.
"Nah, the weather's too foul."
On you will go.
"Nah, can't miss A Night with Simon Cowell."
"Nah, our neighbors, the Hakken-Kraks, might howl."
Onward up many channels,
you lame TV freak,
though your arms may get sore
from clicking something even dumber to seek!
... from your TV not far.
and succumb to your problems
however lame-o they are!
You're get mixed up, of course,
you'll be readily whacked.
You'll get mixed up
with strange turds like the GOP Presidential pack.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care, watch for shit,
and remember that Life's
one Piece of Crap SNL Bit!
And never forget though you're sad and bereft,
That everyone's nuts on the far right and far left!
And will you succeed?
Are you kidding, dickweed?
You'll wind up in the toilet,
On you Life will have peed!
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
AHHH ... I'm just having some fun in my typical way!
Yes, you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting
so ....
Good Luck and Oy Vay!
the end
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