Sunday, October 29, 2017

I am the Eggman, WOO!

I'm old enough to remember when milkmen and egg men came to our doors once or twice a week offering us milk and eggs that were fresher than any that could be provided back in the day from the regular grocery store.

I miss them.

They were always congenial and their regular visits always welcome. I wish we could have someone like the milkmen/egg men of old visiting our homes today.


"Who's that knocking at the door?"

"Good Morning, Mr. Block. It's Bob, Your Amazon Man!"

"Hi, Bob! I forgot it was Tuesday."

"Yep, I make my rounds in your neighborhood every single Tuesday!"

"Really raining outside, isn't it, Bob?"

"Nice weather ... for ducks!"

"Ha-ha-ha! Got anything special in your cart today?"

"Yes, got some really good wireless mice."

"Are they fresh?"

"Just squeeze' em and you'll see!"

"Wow, they're clicking like a tap dancer on a hardwood floor! How long do they last until they stop working when you're up against a deadline?"

"When you're up against a deadline."

"I'll take three."

"And I've got some tasty updates for your I-phone that Apple hasn't released yet."

"What do they provide?"

"The camera has much sharper resolution and a setting that makes everyone look Jewish. Siri says 'fuck you!' whenever you ask a stupid question. And there's an automatic anti-nausea feature that kicks in whenever you have to talk to someone from a red state."

"I'll take that last one for sure! Any new shitty self-published books?"

"Always! There's a book about a boy wizard named Mnuchin who battles evil princes, dragons, and ogres with a magic wand that diminishes their investment portfolios. There's so many typos the word Mnuchin looks normal!" 

"Anything else?"

"Perry Block's humor book: it stinks so bad I may have to fumigate my entire cart!"

"I'll pass on both." 

"Any electronics, lamps, blow-up ..."

"Nope! But thank you for coming by, Bob. It's great to have home delivery of Amazon products."

"Thank you, Mr. Block! And by the way, we're expanding our home delivery services. Next week we begin some additional deliveries on this route." 

"What's that?"

"Milk and eggs!"

"What a great idea! Where did that come from?"

"Haven't a clue."



Gardenlover said...

You're old enough to remember when your Mama sent you out to steal eggs from a Pterodactyl nest. And everyone knows you Jews were goat-milkers from the time Adam got thrown out of Eden. The burning question is, why do both your sons resemble the mailman?

I suppose the Amazon man is on track to surpass the Avon lady. It's no wonder. She only brings personal care products and he delivers inflatable Amazon ladies.

Perry Block said...

Pterodactyl eggs were great except if you didn't act fast they ate you before you could eat them.But my neighbors Fred and Barney loved them, and whenever we got together we had a gay old time. As for Amazon inflatable ladies, they were not great. I ought to know. I have a whole sorority of them. Who says I don't have a love life.