If the Democratic Party and what’s left among the smoking ruins of the Republican Party want to one day pass bipartisan legislation that would truly benefit the nation at large I heartily recommend:
The COINS-SUCK Act,
otherwise known as
The Coinage Obviously Irrelevant, Nada, So Long, Sayonara, Unnecessary, Ciao, and Kiss Off Act
Under this act, all American coinage including pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters will be eliminated and all transactions will be conducted only in dollars rounded accordingly up or down.
Why the fuck not?
Who needs coins anyway?
They don’t purchase anything significant anymore, clutter our pockets and bureaus, and accomplish little more than commemorate four great American presidents who already get enough positive press to make featured status on a coin about as important to each of them as a year's supply of government surplus cheese.
Consider the usage and convenience of coins in a typical purchase in a typical variety store like Philadelphia’s Wawa.
“That’ll be $4.87, sir,” says the person behind the counter, calling you “sir” only in deference to your perceived advanced age, not in display of any manner of respect whatsoever.
“Gee, I think I have a lot of change to get rid of,” you say half embarrassed that you’re not just handing him nice convenient dollars. “Let me see if can scare me up 87 cents.”
You begin digging through your right hand pocket, but are immediately blocked by your cell phone. So you begin to weave your hand around your phone to get to the monetary bounty you're sure lies underneath, and you pocket dial someone.
Crap, it’s Farbman! No way you’re in the mood for Farbman.
You dig further into your right pocket and practically cut yourself on your jingle jangle of keys. Okay, you need to have the key to your house in your pocket, but why do you still have six keys on the chain including the key to your sophomore apartment from 40 years ago which doesn’t even bring back good memories since not only didn’t you get laid there you didn’t even have a TV to watch The Mod Squad?
Continuing your journey to the center of your pocket, you encounter a comb, used snotty handkerchief, a couple of random receipts, and a full-sized anvil from the Acme Company left over from a Warner Brothers cartoon. Now on to the change at pocket’s bottom at last!
All your change is in your other pocket.
You reach into your left pocket and pull out enough coin of the realm to finance the realm.
Then you begin to carefully piece nickels, a quarter, dimes, more nickels, pennies, more dimes, similar looking Canadian coins to dimes and pennies, and more pennies together to equal 87 cents. This isn’t easy you for you. You flunked “Introduction to Counting” in Night School last fall.
Now you drop a coin on the floor while parsing through the change, and it’s time for some cost benefit analysis. If the coin is a lowly penny, the retrieval of such doesn’t warrant the slightest bend at the knee. But if it's a quarter, groveling upon the floor like a four legged farm animal might be well in order, at least for a random minute or two.
But what if you don’t know what the coin is?
Hit that deck, dude! Yes, you’re routing around on a floor so filthy you’re likely to contract a disease that's the basis of a drug commercial which is so virulent even the actor who doesn’t really have it looks like shit! But maybe, just maybe …
You find the coin.
It is a penny.
And you’ve split the seam in your pants
So, folks, once we have a real government again, remember to write to your Congressperson or Senator and tell them to vote for:
The COINS-SUCK ACT
Bribe them with significant contributions to their re-election campaigns. Make your contribution in nickels, dimes, quarters, and especially pennies.
Hey, nothing wrong with driving home the point dramatically about the obviously irrelevant, nada, so long, sayonara, unnecessary, ciao, and kiss off coins of the United States of America.