Monday, September 9, 2013

30 Additional Reasons Why 60 Is Not The New 40

There's just one problem.  
It's a load of crap!

Nouveau Old Formerly Cute is proud but also saddened and disgusted to add to the original cannon of 62 Reasons Why 60 Is Not The New 40  these  30 Additional Reasons Why 60 Is Not The New 40.   Sorry, my dear Boomers. 

And they are:

1) You still don't know what twerking is.

2) The picture on the left is Robin Williams at 40.  The picture on the right is Robin Williams at 60.  I'll bet even his chest hair has aged badly.

3) Try singing "Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh" by Allan Sherman to somebody who is 40.

4) Somebody who is 40 does not spend more time grooming ear hair than head hair.

5) Unlike somebody who is 6o, somebody who is 40 does not get hit on at parties by women whom he bitterly complains look old enough to be his grandmother.

6) Your doctor is significantly younger than you are.  In fact, all your doctors --- and you have more than a few at your age ---are significantly younger than you are. 

7) Somebody who is 60 remembers when Jack Lemmon was young and bouncy.

8) When somebody who is 40 tells his  friends that he has gone zip lining for the first time, his  friends do not say "What the hell is wrong with you?! YOU'LL KILL YOURSELF!!!" 

9) Somebody who is 40 has never said or ever contemplated saying "I'm letting my freak flag fly." 

10) Somebody who is 40 cannot believe there was ever a comedian whose entire act was  pretending to be drunk.  Somebody who is 60 always thought the comedian whose entire act was pretending to be drunk was annoying and stupid, but still has a warm spot for Foster Brooks because his dad liked him.

11) Somebody who is 40 thinks of Bob Denver only as that idiot Gilligan and not as Maynard G. Krebs, the truly funny beatnik character he played on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.

When somebody who is 40 runs into an old friend, he never hears the word "Grandkids?"  

13) Somebody who is 40 does not hesitate to smile at an attractive young woman on the street for fear she might promptly summon the police who will arrest and incarcerate him to be thereafter beaten brutally by two hard boiled "over the edge" cops who make Vin Diesel seem like Emily Dickinson.

14) The picture on the left is Billy Crystal at 40.  The picture on the right is Billy Crystal at 60. If Harry met Sally today, the closest he'd get to an orgasm with Sally is hearing her fake one in a deli. 

 15) "There's a hold-up in the Bronx, Brooklyn's broken out in fights, there's a traffic jam in Harlem that's backed up up to Jackson Heights, there's a scout troupe short a child, Khrushchev's due at Idlewild, Car 54, where are you?"  Ever hear somebody who is 40 sing that?

16) Somebody who is 60 kind of misses the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon.  Somebody who is 40 thinks Jerry Lewis is an incredibly obnoxious asshole. 

17) Somebody who is 40 does not generally sputter, wheeze, or spit when he speaks.

18) Somebody who is 60 remembers a time when the expression "sucks" sounded downright dirty, and probably was.

19) You think Foster the People is a social program under the Obama Administration. 

20) Somebody who is 40 does not experience a warm and abiding sense of recognition when he or she hears: 

                    SHEILA MACRAE!! 
                                   AHHHHT CARNEEE!!!  
                                      GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY!!!!"

21)  Somebody who is 40 does not have a neck that looks like a marsupial's pouch.

22) Somebody who is 60 remembers a time when Charlton Heston was considered a fine actor.

23) Somebody who is 40 has no idea what transcript from what television show you used to receive if you sent five dollars to the Merkle Press.  

24) Somebody who is 40 thinks Kenny Loggins --- fantastic hair notwithstanding --- must have always been a flat-out soft rock yutz and has no clue that he once made decent music with Jim Messina

25) Just to rub it in for both somebody who is 60 and somebody who is 40, the picture below is Robin Williams at 30.  

26)  Somebody who is 40 is not scratching his head even today over how the lyric "I've got a friend in Jesus" ever got into a song by a guy named Norman Greenbaum.

27) Somebody who is 40 and a man generally does not have droopy breasts. 

28) Unlike somebody who is 60,  somebody who is 40 does not think cloud computing has something to do with how many clouds overhead you can count that are shaped like a pussycat.

29) On September 12, I will be somebody who is 63.  In every possible respect, especially looks and appearance, I am exactly like somebody who is 40!

30)Unlike somebody who is 40, somebody who is 60 is frequently fucking delusional! 


Hmmm!!!!  Okay, Granny, you can feel free 
to hit on me anytime!  


Anonymous said...

Aw, c'mon, Perry, I know my eyesight is going, but this geezer gal thinks you're still a mighty fine geezer guy! Joy Ross Davis

Perry Block said...

Who you calling a geezer guy, geezer girl?! I didn't say I relate to any of the stuff in the post. (BTW, you're a fine girl too. You and Brandy, that is. Oh, crap, that's a geezer reference too!)

Sharon Greenthal said...

Ok I'm only 51 and I could relate to nearly every one of these. Awesome!

Perry Block said...

Thank you, my child. But I'll bet you've never seen "Car 54, Where Are You?" or ever once wheezed!

Julie Phelps said...

Oh my - I actually did find myself humming, kinda sorta singing the long-forgotten "Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh" a few days ago. What is up with that?

Perry Block said...

I am a very persuasive writer, in the manner of Emile Zola. Rest assured, I will only use my powers for good.

Perry Block said...

Maybe I should contact the estate of the late Allan Sherman and see if I can turn this into cash somehow ...

Rochelle Wisoff-Fields said...

Dear Perry,

Oooh...oooh...I remember Car 54 Where are You? You forgot that someone who is 40 doesn't remember all the words to Alice's Restaurant. (I do). Thanks for being a tad older than I it makes just plain 60 feel "young." I related to this and now I'm terribly depressed. I'm going to take my Geritol now.



Perry Block said...

Oooh ... oooh ... hey, Gunther! That was a funny show and Joe E. Ross and pre-Munsters Fred Gynne made a great team. And you can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant except our damn youth back!

I seem to be a tad older than just about everybody these days so think of it as a public service to other Boomers. Just put down the Geritol and don't ever, ever use the word "senior" to refer to us, no matter how old we get!

Russell said...

All the women who commented on my post this week said nice things about you (except Scarlett Johansson, who says you're overrated). I thought you'd like to know you still have two female fans out there, even though their eyesight might be in question.

Happy Birthday, Big Guy.

Perry Block said...

Not only is their eyesight in question I understand they call both of us "Sonny" and "Squirt." I guess any lovin' is good lovin', not!