(Note: This is a short sketch I wrote some years ago when I was in Human Resources
which attempts to satirize the obsession that some HR professionals (and, of course, other professionals as well) have with titles and certifications. I never got to perform it, but I like it, so I'll share it with you here. And on this day after a holiday, it's probably better than another annoying post about Trump!
I was trying to figure out what Just Plain Jane looks like and the picture above was the closest I could come up with. She may be dressed just a bit better than above for the gathering in the sketch below but, all in all, that's Jane --- Just Plain Jane.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just Plain Jane
Characters
Characters
Just
Plain Jane --- Peter’s wife
Ilona
Scoyber SHRM-SCP, CBP, JD --- Dexter’s wife
Max
Sorkin SHRM-SCP, CEEBS, & CCP from Worldatwork, formerly known as the American Compensation Association --- Dexter’s friend
Carol
Landis GRP, CPLP, GPLP --- Max’s woman friend
~~~~~~~~~~
Peter and Jane approach the front door of a house in the suburbs.
Jane: Peter, this is going to be so fun! I’ve been looking forward to finally meeting
your new colleagues from SHRM!
Peter: Yes, but Jane, there’s something about them I, uh,
think I should prepare you for.
Jane: What?
They arrive at the house and Jane begins knocking on the door.
Peter: You know how I have a title of SHRM-CP now that I’ve passed the SHRM certification
examination? Well, these people have been around SHRM and other HR associations a long time and certifications
are very important to them, and ...
Before Peter finishes speaking, door opens.
Dex: Hello, there, hello there. Why if it isn’t Peter Simons SHRM-CP! Great to see you, glad you could come!
Ilona: Hi, you two, and welcome!
Dex: And this
is the lovely wife we’ve been hearing so much about? Hi there!
I’m Dexter
Scoyber SHRM-SCP, PhD, CPLP.
Ilona: And I’m
his better half --- Ilona Scoyber SHRM-SCP, CPB,
JD!
Jane: It’s awesome to meet both of
you.
Max: (entering)
Well hello, Peter SHRM-CP. (To Jane) Hello, young lady, I'm Max Sorkin, SHRM-SCP, CEEBS, and CCP from
Worldatwork, formerly known as the American Compensation Association.
Carol: And I’m with Max. Hello, I'm Carol
Landis, GRP, CPLP, GPLP.
Laughter, happiness, shaking
hands all around.
Peter: Everyone,
I’d like to introduce my wife Jane.
Dex: Welcome,
Jane! Jane … Jane. Jane what?
Jane: Jane --- just Jane. I’m just
plain Jane.
Max: Just Plain Jane! Why, what a lovely name!
Carol: That's sure different!
Ilona: I never knew anyone named Just Plain Jane! Well, come on in folks, have some dip!
Carol: That's sure different!
Ilona: I never knew anyone named Just Plain Jane! Well, come on in folks, have some dip!
Peter: Oh, you have dip?
Jane: Always ready for a snack! That's my Peter.
Jane: (to Dex) Thank you so much for being so supportive of Peter while he was studying for the SHRM test.
Dex: Well,
everyone needs a mentor, Just Plain Jane. Mine was always
my father. Yes, I’ll never forget dear
old Dad … Dad M.D., PhD, and Board Certified
in Proctology.
Jane: May I call
you Dex?
Dex: No, Just Plain Jane. Call me Dex SHRM-SCP,
PhD, CPLP.
Jane: I'll make a note of it!
Jane: I'll make a note of it!
Meanwhile Max and Carol take Peter in hand and bring him into the living room.
Peter: This dip is
amazing!
Carol: Yes, it’s Ilona SHRM-SCP, CBP, JD’s
special recipe. I asked her for it
once, but no dice.
Max: Well, Ilona SHRM-SCP, CBP, JD can be that way sometimes.
Ilona: Peter SHRM-CP, Just
Plain Jane, do you want some coffee?
Jane: LOVE IT!
Ilona: Coming UP!
Max: I’ll help
you!
Max and Ilona head to the kitchen. Ilona begins making the coffee and appears to
be fumbling with it, spilling coffee and water. Max stands on the other side of the kitchen
nervously looking back into the living room. Max takes one last look
into the living room, and then……….
Max and Ilona run to each others
arms!
Ilona: Darling SHRM-CP, CEEBS, CCP from Worldatwork, formerly known as the American Compensation Association!
Max: Sweetheart, SHRM-SCP, CPB, JD!
Max: Everything about you is so beautiful, even your
name. I could say it again and
again... Ilona SHRM-SCP, CBP, JD - Ilona SHRM-SCP, CBP, JD - Ilona …
Ilona: (breaking in passionately) Just hold me, Max SHRM-SCP, CEEBS, CCP from Worldatwork, formerly known as the American
Compensation Association! But we
must be careful. So far, he doesn’t suspect a thing.
Max: Who
doesn’t suspect a thing?
Ilona: What???
Max: Who doesn’t
susp…? Oh, of course.
Ilona: Yes, the
stuffed shirt! So obsessed with his
pretentious titles and degrees and so unlike you, Max, SHRM-SCP, CE…, oh just hold
me, you HR certified hottie!!!
Meanwhile back in the room, Jane, Peter, Dex, and Carol are talking.
Peter: Excuse me for a moment. Nature
calls.
Jane: It always does! That's my Peter.
Jane: It always does! That's my Peter.
Peter leaves and
ambles into the kitchen. He sees Max and Ilona clutching each other and
is horror – struck.
Peter: OH MY!
OH MY! OH MY, MY, MY, MY!!!
Max: Oh, Peter SHRM-CP, this isn’t
what it looks like, uh uh, we were discussing recertification credits, and ….
Ilona: Yes, yes,
and did you know, uhhhhh ….. HR professionals can now earn credits by learning CPR! Go ahead, Max SHRM-SCP... umm .... whatever the hell your name is! Just blow in my windpipe!
Peter: Oh, oh, excuse me, excuse me, I was just looking for the john… uhh, that is the John SHRM-CP, SPQ3K, WHATEVER!.... Oh MY
MY MY MY!! Excuse me!!!
Peter rushes back to the living room where Jane, Dex, and Carol are
still talking.
Peter: Folks, I’m sorry we have to go! I just remembered
an important webinar on “Does Skipper Owe Gilligan Overtime?” It was only supposed to be a three hour tour, but ... let's go, Jane!
Jane: Oh, I am
sorry. I hope to see all of you
again soon!
Carol: New SHRM-CPs can be so edgy, Just Plain Jane. We understand.
Jane: Well, folks ... that's my Peter!
Jane: Well, folks ... that's my Peter!
Dex: Good bye, Peter SHRM-CP. You too, Just Plain Jane!
Jane waves to all. Peter hustles her out in seconds.
Jane waves to all. Peter hustles her out in seconds.
Jane: What was the matter, Peter? Tell Just Plain Jane.
Peter: Those
people are certified all right --- certified nuts!
The End
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, I finally got to perform the sketch, at least in a way.
So long, fellow HR professionals! And so long, Jane.
7 comments:
Hilarious, Peter, uh . . . I mean Perry. I've known some of these people. All I think except for Plain Jane, and for some reason I find her very appealing. Maybe it's because she kept saying, "That's my Peter" like she had an obsession with his joy stick.
Yes, I wrote this sketch about ten years. Back then I put together a group of HR professionals and for a few years we put on a sort of SNL for HR Show, of which I wrote about 95%. We never got to do this sketch but as I was writing it I found I was fucking falling in love with Jane! The picture I used for her is actually a bit cuter than I envisioned her but it was the closest picture to the way I saw her that I could find. Damn it, she's way too young for me! But you better keep your hands off her. I created her first!
And in this instance, Peter is just a name, no double entendre intended. Clean up your fucking mind!
The sad part of this very funny script is that it is factual. I have never worked in HR, so I am objective, but I do know many of them. Yes, it is very true to life.
It is true that people in all professions sometimes get carried away with their titles and certifications. That said, earning these certifications requires effort that should be acknowledged but not in the manner of our self-absorbed folks here. Thanks for writing, Ilil.
I couldn't agree more, Peter Block DH FF RQ X&Z.
But don't forget Perry Block JD, SPHR, DOUCHE... wait a minute!
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