Welcome to the Most Lenient Company in America

Gaylord Cornwallis Company

Welcome to the Most Lenient Company in America  

We are the Gaylord Cornwallis Company, the most lenient company in America.   This handbook has been prepared to introduce you to our Company’s human resources policies and procedures, but don't worry too much about it.

Short of sexual harassment, pissing in the coffee pot, and goosing the president, we'll forgive most anything. 

We wish you good luck in your new position, not that you'll need it. Now take the rest of the day off. 

Your Salary

Remember what we said your salary was going to be?  Ha! We just doubled it! 
We love to do shit like this.  Remember, we're the most lenient company in America. 

Now take the rest of the day off.

Your Benefits Program

Gaylord Cornwallis Company is happy to provide you with a Benefits Program that will knock your socks off including:

1. Fully paid health insurance for you and your family including any children from prior lives.  Drug coverage includes most major hallucinogens and your choice of Viagra or Cialis.

2.  The Gaylord Cornwallis 401 (k) Plan, managed by Warren Buffett.  Provides a 3% company match, meaning we match 3% of the Gross National Product.

3. Life Insurance in the amount of twice your annual salary as your annual salary is projected to be $200,957 at the time you may drop dead. Pays double indemnity if you die in any manner other than a blow to the head by Steven Seagal.

4.  Dental Plan covering your teeth (naturally, how silly of us!), Tuition Assistance provided your course of study is related to your job and/or anybody's job, and Disability Coverage even if you are faking it.

        5. Socks to replace those we have just knocked off you.

Your Company Holidays

We realize that the 11:30 A.M. to 3:00 P.M. grind every other day can get to be tedious, and for that reason we offer several Company recognized holidays to help you chill:

• Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve & Day
• Fourth of July, Labor Day, Memorial Day,
• Martin Luther King's Birthday
• Martin Luther's Birthday
• Lex Luther's Birthday
• Columbus Day (even though we now know he was a son of a bitch!)
• March Madness Days 
• All Jewish Holidays, including Anniversary of Founding of the Friars              Club
• Your Birthday (up to four times a year)

 If for any reason there is a holiday that is important to you that is not listed above, you may make a written request to Human Resources to take the holiday in question. Then crumple up your request and just take it.

Your Vacation

Just take it. 

Your Drug and Alcohol Policy

 GCC has a crucial interest in ensuring safe, healthful, and efficient working conditions for our employees.  And sometimes getting zonked is exactly what's needed for all of us to feel mellow enough to maintain this copacetic status.

Drinking, using, possessing or selling intoxicants or controlled substances while on Company premises will result in disciplinary action up to and including termination in the event it exceeds more than half a dozen such instances in a single day. We hate to crack down, but at GCC we believe you should be able to stay straight at least part of one day.

Your Dress Code

At GCC, every day is Casual Dress Day except Wednesday, which is Rocky Horror Picture Show Dress Day.  

Again, We Welcome You

We are as pleased as punch (spiked, as in the lunchroom) you've decided to join us at GCC.  

If you have any questions about the company or your job, please let us know and we will endeavor to answer them for you promptly.

You may not always agree with the answers you receive, but in such case please ask your questions again and we will adjust the answers until you are just as happy as a pig in fucking shit.

Important!

Employment at Will Disclaimer

The Gaylord Cornwallis Company is an “AT WILL” employer and as such we are free to unilaterally terminate our employment relationship with you at any time, with or without notice and with or without cause. 

 That means we can fire your ass whenever we want and you can't do a damn thing about it! 

Now that we've had our fun, just you try and take the rest of the day off, fucker.

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Just Plain Jane

(Note: This is a short sketch I wrote some years ago when I was in Human Resources 

which attempts to satirize the obsession that some HR professionals (and, of course, other professionals as well) have with titles and certifications. I never got to perform it, but I like it, so I'll share it with you here.  And on this day after a holiday, it's probably better than another annoying post about Trump!

I was trying to figure out what Just Plain Jane looks like and the picture above was the closest I could come up with.  She may be dressed just a bit better than above for the gathering in the sketch below but, all in all, that's Jane --- Just Plain Jane.)

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Just Plain Jane

Characters

Peter Simons SHRM-CP (from SHRM) --- a newly certified HR professional

Just Plain Jane --- Peter’s wife

Dexter Scoyber SHRM-SCP, PhD, CPLP --- Peter’s mentor

Ilona Scoyber SHRM-SCP, CBP, JD --- Dexter’s wife

Max Sorkin SHRM-SCP, CEEBS, & CCP from Worldatwork, formerly known as the American Compensation Association  --- Dexter’s friend

Carol Landis GRP, CPLP, GPLP --- Max’s woman friend

~~~~~~~~~~

Peter and Jane approach the front door of a house in the suburbs. 

Jane: Peter, this is going to be so fun! I’ve been looking forward to finally meeting your new colleagues from SHRM!

Peter: Yes, but Jane, there’s something about them I, uh, think I should prepare you for.

Jane: What?

They arrive at the house and Jane begins knocking on the door. 

Peter: You know how I have a title of SHRM-CP now that I’ve passed the SHRM certification examination? Well, these people have been around SHRM  and other HR associations a long time and certifications are very important to them, and ...

Before Peter finishes speaking, door opens.

Dex: Hello, there, hello there. Why if it isn’t Peter Simons SHRM-CP!  Great to see you, glad you could come!

Ilona: Hi, you two, and welcome!

Dex:   And this is the lovely wife we’ve been hearing so much about?  Hi there!  I’m Dexter Scoyber SHRM-SCP, PhD, CPLP.

Ilona:  And I’m his better half --- Ilona Scoyber SHRM-SCP, CPB, JD!

Jane: It’s awesome to meet both of you. 

Max:  (entering) Well hello, Peter  SHRM-CP.  (To Jane) Hello, young lady, I'm Max Sorkin, SHRM-SCP, CEEBS, and CCP from Worldatwork, formerly known as the American Compensation Association.

Carol:  And I’m with Max.  Hello, I'm Carol Landis, GRP, CPLP, GPLP.

Laughter, happiness, shaking hands all around.  

Peter:  Everyone, I’d like to introduce my wife Jane.

Dex:  Welcome, Jane!   Jane … Jane.   Jane what?

Jane: Jane --- just Jane.  I’m just plain Jane.

Max: Just Plain Jane!  Why, what a lovely name!

Carol:  That's sure different!

Ilona: I never knew anyone named Just Plain Jane!  Well, come on in folks, have some dip!

Peter: Oh, you have dip?

Jane:  Always ready for a snack!  That's my Peter. 

Jane:  (to Dex) Thank you so much for being so supportive of Peter while he was studying for the SHRM test.

Dex:  Well, everyone needs a mentor, Just Plain Jane.  Mine was always my father.  Yes, I’ll never forget dear old Dad … Dad M.D., PhD, and Board Certified in Proctology.

Jane:  May I call you Dex?

Dex:  No, Just Plain Jane. Call me Dex SHRM-SCP, PhD, CPLP. 

Jane:   I'll make a note of it!

Meanwhile Max and Carol take Peter in hand and bring him into the living room. 

Peter:   This dip is amazing!

Carol:  Yes, it’s Ilona SHRM-SCP, CBP, JD’s special recipe.  I asked her for it once, but no dice.

 

Max: Well,  Ilona SHRM-SCP, CBP, JD can be that way sometimes.  

Ilona: Peter SHRM-CP, Just Plain Jane, do you want some coffee?

Jane: LOVE IT!

Ilona: Coming UP!

Max:  I’ll help you!

Max and Ilona head to the kitchen.  Ilona begins making the coffee and appears to be fumbling with it, spilling coffee and water.   Max stands on the other side of the kitchen nervously looking back into the living room. Max takes one last look into the living room, and then……….

Max and Ilona run to each others arms!

Ilona:  Darling SHRM-CP, CEEBS, CCP from Worldatwork, formerly known as the American Compensation Association!

Max:  Sweetheart, SHRM-SCP, CPB, JD!

Max: Everything about you is so beautiful, even your name.  I could say it again and again... Ilona SHRM-SCP, CBP, JD - Ilona SHRM-SCP, CBP, JD - Ilona …

Ilona:  (breaking in passionately) Just hold me, Max SHRM-SCP, CEEBS, CCP from Worldatwork, formerly known as the American Compensation Association! But we must be careful. So far, he doesn’t suspect a thing.

Max:  Who doesn’t suspect a thing?

Ilona:   What???

Max:  Who doesn’t susp…?  Oh, of course.

Ilona: Yes, the stuffed shirt!  So obsessed with his pretentious titles and degrees and so unlike you, Max, SHRM-SCP, CE…, oh just hold me, you HR certified hottie!!! 

Meanwhile back in the room, Jane, Peter, Dex, and Carol are talking.

Peter:  Excuse me for a moment.  Nature calls.

Jane:  It always does!  That's my Peter.

Peter leaves and ambles into the kitchen.  He sees Max and Ilona clutching each other and is horror – struck.  

Peter:  OH MY!  OH MY!  OH MY, MY, MY, MY!!!

Max: Oh, Peter SHRM-CP, this isn’t what it looks like, uh uh, we were discussing recertification credits, and ….

Ilona:  Yes, yes, and did you know, uhhhhh ….. HR professionals can now earn credits by learning CPR! Go ahead, Max SHRM-SCP... umm .... whatever the hell your name is! Just blow in my windpipe!

Peter:  Oh, oh, excuse me, excuse me, I was just looking for the john… uhh, that is the John SHRM-CP, SPQ3K, WHATEVER!.... Oh MY MY MY MY!! Excuse me!!!

Peter rushes back to the living room where Jane, Dex, and Carol are still talking.  

Peter: Folks, I’m sorry we have to go! I just remembered an important webinar on “Does Skipper Owe Gilligan Overtime?” It was only supposed to be a three hour tour, but ... let's go, Jane!

Jane: Oh, I am sorry.  I hope to see all of you again soon!

Carol: New SHRM-CPs can be so edgy, Just Plain Jane.  We understand.

Jane:  Well, folks ... that's my Peter!

Dex:  Good bye, Peter SHRM-CP. You too, Just Plain Jane!

Jane waves to all. Peter hustles her out in seconds.  

Jane:  What was the matter, Peter?  Tell Just Plain Jane.

Peter:  Those people are certified all right --- certified nuts!

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well,  I finally got to perform the sketch, at least in a way. 

So long, fellow HR professionals! And so long, Jane.

Donald J. Trump's Guide to Handling Sexual Harassment

Let Harassment Expert Donald Trump 

Teach You How to Handle This
(I mean, teach the woman how to handle this!)

Sexual Harassment is one of the most serious problems facing the American workplace today, along with ignorant and obnoxious CEOs who think they're vastly smarter than they actually are and want to be President of the United States.  No employee should be forced to work in an environment charged with sexual intimidation, lewd talk, or unwelcome touching or fondling even though I, Donald J. Trump, have gotten very excited while writing this sentence.

Donald's J. Trump's Guide to Handling Sexual Harassment, co-written by harassment expert Roger Ailes with foreword by comedian Bill Cosby, will serve as the definitive guide as to what a woman who believes she has been sexually harassed should do to safely and effectively handle the problem. 

So, at last a comprehensive guidebook for all you babes out there!

Sexual Harassment Defined.  
Did you know that men as well as women can be sexually harassed?  A woman can harass a man, or a gay guy can harass a man, or a very near-sighted straight guy can harass a man.  Or a woman can harass a woman, such as I see all the time in many of my favorite movies on cable TV late at night.

Our focus for purposes of this guidebook, however, shall be exclusively on men harassing women, especially the hot ones.

There are two types of sexual harassment as follows:

1) Quid Pro Quo Harassment --- where the perpetrator offers job or other related benefits to the harassed person in exchange for sexual favors.  (Some of the stupider harassers may ask for party favors.) 

2) Hostile Work Environment --- this takes place when unwelcome conduct by another worker is so severe or pervasive as to create  an intimidating, hostile, or offensive work environment, such as a pattern of unwelcome sexual jokes unless they are funny, running butt-naked through the Finance Department, and smirking at the world "thighs."

Not all offensive behavior rises to the legal definition of harassment.  For example, if a guy grabs your boobies, that's probably harassment unless:

1) He shouts "timber!"
2) You are a B cup or less.
3) No annoying goody two-shoes is around to witnesses the behavior.
4) He is Donald Trump.

What to do When You Believe You Have Been Sexually Harassed.
First, check your company's Sexual Harassment Policy. As regularly as they ignore them, all companies today have a Sexual Harassment Policy.

Sample Corporate Sexual Harassment Policy

At XYZ Company we take a very strong stand against sexual harassment. Whenever we receive a complaint we will investigate as soon as we get around to it and in the most thorough manner possible give the nature of the other more important projects we may have at the time. 

You should then report the offensive conduct to the Company's Human Resources Department. Although Human Resources will keep your comments strictly confidential, they may giggle if they spot you while walking through the hallways.

Harassment Investigation.
A prompt and thorough investigation will then be conducted by HR and all juicy details will be explored. HR staff will be hosed down if necessary.

Human Resources will make a final determination as to whether harassment has taken place, which is usually based on whether a reasonable man would want to harass you given what you got. If harassment has been found at the conclusion of the investigation, appropriate disciplinary action will be imposed upon the offender up to and including a week of having to clap out the erasers. 

Should Human Resources find there has been no harassment and/or the conduct does not stop, I would like to think you would find another career or find another company if that was the case.

Make sure and ask your billionaire father to help.

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About the Author

Donald Trump is a serial liar, rampant xenophobe, racist, misogynist, birther, and bully who has repeatedly pledged to ban all Muslims  -- 1.6 billion members of an entire religion -- from entering the U.S.

Your Daily Dose of HR Doings: Insectual Harassment

Your Daily Dose of HR Doings: 

 Insectual Harassment

Human Resources professionals may soon be girding themselves for one of the most difficult challenges HR has faced since the question of whether to allow tank tops at the company picnic.

That challenge?  A new cause of action against your company known as "Insectual Harassment."

A hotly contested legal case is now wending its way through the courts and if it continues wending, it'll soon be wending your way. It began last August when a 37 year old man named Gregor Samsa awoke from uneasy dreams and found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.  In his own words: 

"I was lying on my hard back and when I lifted my head a little I could see my dome-like brown belly divided into stiff arched segments and my numerous legs, which were pitifully thin, waving helplessly before my eyes.  'What is happening to me?' I wondered.  And I must remember to cancel the exterminator for Thursday." 

Mr. Samsa's day did not improve when he went in to work and encountered a number of his co-workers attempting to step on him.  Mr. Samsa was shortly called in to see the HR Manager who told Mr. Samsa that he was being terminated on the spot but at least offered him healthy severance in the form of not squashing him on the way out.

Practice Pointers:  Do not act hastily when an employee comes into work one morning and has been turned overnight into an enormous bug. Take time to speak with the bug.  Offer the bug a cup of smaller insects and remember to banish the word "eeek" from your vocabulary. Do not swat the bug. Try to determine if the bug can still perform his or her job effectively.  If you run a hand modeling agency, well, that may be a problem.

Protected classes of employees under the federal anti-discrimination laws are race, religion, gender, age, nationality, military status, and disability but not being transformed overnight into a giant bug.  Some states have recognized additional classes such as sexual preference, transgender status, and having an innee rather than an outtee.

Samsa v. Shearson Lehman is now poised to add Insectual Harassment to the list. In an analogous case, Lot v. Morton's Salt, Mr. Lot’s wife underwent a similar spontaneous transformation as Mr. Samsa although instead of being transformed into a bug she was transformed into a pillar of salt.  Her anti-discrimination claim was rejected, however, because although Mrs. Lot was tasty, being granules of salt as opposed to a whole person prohibited her from performing her job duties as a spot welder.

Practice Pointers: Being transformed overnight into a bug may well be considered a disability similar to being turned into a pillar of salt, although salt is generally more welcome at your dinner table.  If the disabled bug can yet perform his essential job duties, described as those duties a worker cannot shirk no matter how many times he can convince you his grandmother died, you might have to provide the bug reasonable accommodation such as getting him an ergonomic chair, affording him special hours, or providing him human blood to suck on at breaks. 

            

  As the case nears trial, Mr. Samsa is sanguine about its prospects although it's hard to tell if he is truly sanguine since he is kind of a mottled brown.  A positive determination would make all Insectual Harassment illegal including the most insidious kind of Insectual Harassment of them all, Quid Pro Quo Insectual Harassment. This is the type of harassment in which  a supervisor or manager offers a promotion, raise or other job benefits to a bug in exchange for the bug agreeing never to have sex with him.

Practice Pointers:  Now is the time to make your workplace "Employee-Turned-Overnight-Into-A-Bug Friendly."  Do not require a human being turned into a bug to sit on the venetian blinds in a meeting instead of in a regular seat. Don't tell a joke such as "What has 18 legs and six boobs?" even if the answer is the Supreme Court. Promise that complaints of Insectual Harassment will be investigated promptly and thoroughly with appropriate discipline imposed for any offenders up to and including stinging the shit out of them.

As the Samsa litigation wends forward, Your Daily Dose of HR Doings will continue to keep you fully informed, provided you continue paying the $49.99 a year subscription price. With careful planning, sensitivity, and training, you too can handle Insectual Harassment like a Human Resources pro!

Even though HR still won’t get no respect.

Tomorrow: The case of Gilligan v. Skipper   ---   It was supposed to be only a three hour tour.  Is Mr. Gilligan entitled to overtime for all time spent on that dopey island?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am a Published Author!*

Yes, indeed --- I am a published author, in case you’d like to hear me say it once again in the actual body of this article.*

I offer this to you in all modesty and humility, which is a bit hard to effect since I am a published author whose presence looms large upon the landscape of 21st Century American literature. In fact, I’m so good at looming I rent myself out to loom at weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, and the more generally boring brand of bachelor parties where the only pole dancers are guys.

My two books --- the Human Resources-based novel ADA & ADEA - A Love Story** and my sensitive volume of observations A Jew’s Christmas 2009 --- have reaped praise from far and even farther. I am proud to say that ADA & ADEA - A Love Story was even reviewed by the prestigious New York Review of Books which pronounced it to be “excellent kindling.”

ADA & ADEA – A Love Story concerns the love affair between two federal civil rights statutes and the many forces which push them together & pull them apart. Despite differences in age (ADEA was 43, ADA a mere 19!) and temperament (for ADEA, there could never be such a thing as a mixed motive!), they meet and share true love. Or as close to it as you can get in 73 pages with large print and an “Introduction” plagiarized directly from the Home page of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) website.

 It is true that ADA & ADEA – A Love Story was published by vanity press, but there is no truth to the rumor that shortly thereafter the publishing company went bankrupt for lack of self-confidence. This is not a schlock book! In fact, ADA & ADEA – A Love Story was the first book ever to feature an intra-book salad bar! And the whole concept would have worked too, were it not for the croutons, which kept insinuating themselves into the plot!

A Jew’s Christmas 2009 was for me the culmination of a life-long desire to honor both Jewish and Christian holiday traditions while mutually exploiting them both for profit. As someone so thoroughly Jewish that Mort from Family Guy finds me embarrassing, I have for many years also celebrated Christmas with my children, being careful never to invite Jesus to any tree trimming parties.

I therefore think of myself as a person who has one foot in Hanukkah and the other in Christmas. Actually it would be more like two feet in Hanukkah and one in Christmas were we to live on a planet where people have three feet. Drawing on traditional Christmas literary and musical sources, I sought to create that magical holiday feeling which pervades our consciousness from the moment all leftovers are cleared from Thanksgiving until the split second Christmas ends and the ornament sales begin.

With inspiration from the likes of 'Twas the Night before Christmas, A Christmas Carol, and It’s a Wonderful Life, I wove a rich tapestry which I promptly hired a guy to set on fire so I could put in for the insurance money. Whatever didn't burn made it into the book.

But enough about me!

How about you?

How many copies of each book do you want to order, and will that be cash or check?

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* Not really. This whole article is a fiction about fictitious works of fiction.

 ** for the Human Resources – uninitiated, these two statutes are: ADA – Americans with Disabilities Act and ADEA – Age Discrimination in Employment Act. (Trust me:  this bit kills at meetings of the Society for Human Resource Management!)