Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Namaste, Dudes II!

Ain't Yoga Grand?

Namaste, dudes!

I've been practicing yoga for about a year now which means in yoga parlance I've being going to my mat for about a year now.  And I've gotten somewhat serious about going to my mat which means in yoga parlance I've been going to the mat about going to my mat for about a year now.

Why have I been going to .... oh, you don't want to hear that again!

Basically I am practicing yoga in an attempt to stem the tide of scoliosis which has rendered my spine so curvy you could run the Indianapolis 500 upon it if only my spine weren't in Philadelphia, at least most of the time.

What do I do in yoga besides chant Ommmm?  Here are some poses I'll pose to you:

Child's Pose - One look at this pose and you know it was developed at a time when not only were children supposed to be seen but not heard, they were also expected to get dinner by licking up crumbs in the carpet fibers. Provides a nice stretch though.
Downward Facing Dog - With your butt high aloft in the shape of a "V," you emulate a position dogs often assume. If your dog tends to emulate you, assume you'll have puppies 3-5 times per year.

Warrior I and II- Powerful  and dynamic, this pose is labeled I or II depending upon whether the left or right side leads. But I don't know about a pose called "Warrior" for a Jewish guy from the suburbs. Maybe call them Attorney I and II?

Although yoga may or may not ultimately address the deconstruction of my spine, I do often feel like I stand up straighter and more confidently after getting up close and personal with going to my mat. 

Leaving yoga one day last week I felt as erectus as any man since Homo Erectus became man, so I decided to stop into a neighboring watering hole intent on something a just a wee bit stronger than water.

There sitting by herself was an attractive woman who was in my market, meaning age appropriate for me, meaning somewhere between age 50 and nursing home.  My yoga inspired confidence was such that I approached her with only 45 minutes of psyching up time, not my usual day and a half.

"Hi, okay to sit here?'" I asked. "My name is Perry."

"Sure, I'm Cheryl, nice to meet you!" she replied brightly.

And it seemed then that the combined and collected wisdom and enlightenment of the East were gently whispering into my ear "Perry, you have a shot here, don't fucking blow it!"

"Do you know, Perry, you have really nice blue eyes," said Cheryl.

Warrior's paying off, I thought, both I and II!

"Thank you, Cheryl!" I gushed. "I didn't think they were noticeable anymore now that I have bags beneath them sufficient to brew tea, which is brown."

"Know what else?  Nice long eyelashes!"

Wow, my confidence was soaring!  I decided then to go to the mat about going to my mat with Cheryl.  

"You know, Cheryl, what do you say we ..."

"But you have the worst posture I've ever seen! What happened to you, did somebody saddle you up and ride you through the desert as if you were a horse with no name?"

So much for Downward Facing Dog, Child's Pose, Warrior 1 and 2 and the whole yoga yin yang!

"This was ...
. um, nice, Perry," Cheryl sighed.  "Gotta go now and meet my 45 year old boyfriend."

Ommmmm .... Shit! 

Guess I'll go too, I thought.  Go back home and practice Attorney 1 and 2.

Namaste, dudes!



Russell Gayer said...

There for a minute I thought you were going to become the Richard Simmons of yoga (at least in Philadelphia). You'd look 10 years younger with a Harpo Marx hairdo and top hat.

I can't believe Cheryl dumped you for a guy 20 years younger. Especially with all your experience going to the mat.

Perry Block said...

Of course this story is highly fictionalized for comedic effect with respect to Cheryl. In actuality ... there was no Cheryl. There was downward facing dog, though. Lots of downward facing dog.