Thursday, June 29, 2017

Epic!













We’d only been out two times before, but I already had Shelby pretty well figured out. 

And although what I’d figured out left a lot to be desired, what I’d figured out was more than offset by the desirability of her figure.

Shelby was superficial. Her conversation was full of sales at Nordstrom’s, the latest fashion trends, and clothing she’d bought that was Epic! My attempt to discuss cinema, books, and art fell as flat as her chest was not.

But I wasn’t ready to give up yet.

So for our third date I decided to employ a clever ploy.

“Hi, Shelby.  Say …um … is that a new blouse?”

 “Yes, I just got it at Nordstrom’s, marked down from $75 to $37.50! Isn’t it Epic?

“Just as Epic as ‘Gladiator.’”

“What are we going to do tonight, Perry?”

“I thought maybe we’d take an evening and go to Nordstrom’s and check out the new sales.”

“I’d love that! 

Score No. One toward a night of fun!

As we entered Nordstrom’s, I turned on the “Shop till you Drop” charm.

“It’s so great here, Shelby!  Nothing better than being in a crowded department store on a Friday night instead of sipping Chablis at a café downtown.

“I’m headed over the Point of View Department,” said Shelby. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Buy something that’s Epic!” I called to her. “While you shop, I’m headed to the Men's Department to look for a nice Hawaiian shirt with an alligator on it.

Score No. Two for the 67 year old Jew!

I milled around the Men’s Department pretending to look at stuff while reading the news on my phone. Shelby eventually returned with a bag big enough to pack lunch for Governor Christie.

“You didn’t buy anything, Perry?”

“I left my credit card in my other pants, darn it! I wanted to buy some loafers, Ban-Lon shirts, and Dockers with humongous pleats.”

Score Three for the soon to Get Lucky Me!

We returned to Shelby’s place where I felt sure we’d soon be modeling fashions, minus the fashions, long into the night.

“Perry,” she said bluntly, “I think we should call it quits.”

“What?!”

‘‘We don’t have anything in common.’’

“But we do. I love clothes! I love discounts! I love buying stuff that’s
Epic!”

“That’s just it.”

“What’s just it?”

“I thought you dressed the way you do because you weren’t into clothes and shopping, but now that I know you are...”

“Yes?”

Your bad taste is Epic!
 

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2 comments:

Unknown said...

Ah ha! I knew it. All this time you've been secretly wearing suspenders with ELEPHANTS on them. I bet Chris Christie gave them to you for carrying his lunch sack across the bridge in New Jersey.

Perry Block said...

No, Chris Christie gave me the suspenders with the whales on them. The elephants were just to impress Shelby, but I think maybe elephants aren't in this month. Of course this story is wholly fictitious in that in reality I, heh-heh, didn't even get a date with Shelby in the first place. But I'll keep trying. Need any ban-lon shirts?