Thursday, June 29, 2017

The (All Kinds of) Material Girl or "To Die For"

We’d only been out two times before, but already I had Shelby pretty well figured out. And although what I’d figured out left a lot to be desired what I’d figured out was more than offset by the desirability of  her figure.

The truth is Shelby was kind of superficial.  Her conversation was all full of sales at Nordstrom’s, the latest fashion trends, and clothing she’d bought that was “to die for.” My attempt to discuss cinema, books, and art fell as flat as her chest was not.

I wasn’t ready to give up yet, though, not until I’d visited the quote unquote Promised Land you rarely find in a woman on the far side of 50 and on the low side of my quote unquote natural female market.

So for our third date I decided to employ a desperate ploy.

“Hi, Shelby, my, don’t you look curvy … I mean, groovy tonight!”

“I know!  This is a new blouse I just got at Nordstrom’s. Marked down from $75 to $37.50. Isn’t it to die for?”

“Oh yes! In fact, I’d die a violent death, with swords and fire, for it!”

“What are we going to do tonight, Perry?”

“I thought maybe we’d take an evening and go to Kohl’s and check out the new sales.”

Desperate ploy now being deployed!

“Why! I’d love that!  Except let’s go to Nordstrom’s instead.  I haven’t been to Nordstrom’s since Thursday!”

Score No. One toward a hopeful night of fun!

On our way over to Nordstrom’s, I turned up the “Shop till you Drop” charm.

“You know, Shelby, you and I have so much in common.  We’re both materialistic …. I mean we both love all kinds of material - wool, silk, polyester.  I’m thinking I’d like to get me some suspenders with little elephants on them, that's so hip. ”

Over at Nordstrom’s I kept up the pitter patter of little shopping feet as Shelby headed straight to the ultra-trendy Point of View  Department.

“While you shop, I’m headed off to the Men’s ...  Men's Stuff Department to look for some nice Hawaiian shirts with alligators on them.” I called to Shelby as she trotted off.  "Buy something to die for!”

Score No. Two for the 66 year old Jew!

I headed over to the Men’s Stuff Department and pretended to look at shirts and shoes and stuff while reading the headlines on my phone. Before long Shelby returned weighted down with a bag big enough to pack lunch for Governor Christie.

“You didn’t buy anything, Perry?”

“Gee, I left my credit card in my other pants, darn it!  I wanted to buy some loafers, Ban-Lon shirts, and Dockers with humongous pleats.”

Score Three for the soon to Get Lucky Me!

We returned to Shelby’s place, where I felt sure we’d soon be modeling fashions, minus the fashions, long into the night!

“Perry,” she said cautiously, “I think we should call it quits.”


‘‘We don’t have anything in common.’’

“Yes, we do!  I love clothes!  I love shopping!  I love discounts and three way mirrors and buying stuff that is to die for!”

“That’s just it.”

“What’s just it?”

“I thought you dressed like that because you weren’t into clothes and shopping but now that I know you are...”


"Your fashion sense is ..."


“To live for!”



Russell Gayer said...

Ah ha! I knew it. All this time you've been secretly wearing suspenders with ELEPHANTS on them. I bet Chris Christie gave them to you for carrying his lunch sack across the bridge in New Jersey.

Perry Block said...

No, Chris Christie gave me the suspenders with the whales on them. The elephants were just to impress Shelby, but I think maybe elephants aren't in this month. Of course this story is wholly fictitious in that in reality I, heh-heh, didn't even get a date with Shelby in the first place. But I'll keep trying. Need any ban-lon shirts?