A Martian Mission (FF)

FF- Friday Fictioneers

© Amy Reese

Striding down the long corridor from the Command Center to the Front Hatch of Martian Habitation Headquarters, Commander Kropotkin and Lieutenant Prine felt determined but deeply concerned.

“Commander,” said the Lieutenant, “I’m going to give this mission all I’ve got, but frankly I have my doubts.”

“Me too, Bud,” answered Commander Kropotkin. “But the Drugons have been appearing in force lately, and they’ve got to be stopped before it’s too late.”

The hatch opened and the two officers and friends leaped out of the Habitation Headquarters, weapons spewing poisonous fumes ferociously at every Drugon they could find.

“Know what?” said Prine, breathing a sigh of relief. “These Drugons aren’t half as tough as the weeds on Earth.”

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This may be my first post about weed, and hopefully you won't think I am endorsing it.  Because I don't endorse weed --- meaning those pesky things that grow around your house --- but even though I haven't smoked it in over 30 years, I will endorse dope (as we called it back then, although the term "weed" did exist as well) as long as you don't do it too much.

Too much being the degree to which I smoked it, which was every other minute. Better to fill those minutes  with the story offerings of the other Friday Fictioneers based on the picture prompt above which you can get high on by clicking here.

Meanwhile I'm going to go pull out some Drugons. That's the toughest weed I can handle these days.

Take Me To Your Middle Manager

Sure you may come aboard, but be aware:
 the place is a mess!

"Greetings, people of Earth!  We come from a civilization far less advanced than your own!  

Ain't that right, Second Officer Zontar?

I am Simic, this am Zontar.  We are delighted to be here. I have a question for youse, people of Earth.  Do youse have someplace to pee on your planet? We have traveled many light years and we have not invented bathrooms for space travel yet. We have been holding it.

Thank youse!

Youse are probably wondering how we speak your language.  We have monitored your radio and television broadcasts.  We especially enjoy your Duck Dynasty, Dr. Phil, and any cinematic artistic endeavors starring your Rob Schneider.

This is our monitoring equipment:  A giant paper cup attached to a string 50 billion light years long.  I told youse we come from a civilization far less advanced than your own.  It's a good thing Zontar's aunt saves string.

Now I must request:  Take me to your middle manager. 

We would never bother your president considering how backward we are. How backward are we? The guy who invented rocks still has an active patent on them. The guy who discovered fire is still using it to get chicks!

You know what else? There's ain't no Jews on our planet. We have no entertainment industry, no lawyers, and you can't get a decent corned beef sandwich anywhere! Talk about backward!

In some respects we are a little like youse.  We have a national pastime named “ball.”  In our game you pick up the ball, hold it in the air,  and that’s it. It's not that much fun but watching it shoots a couple of hours when you've absolutely nothing else to do, just like with your baseball. We have politics too in which people are elected to office and then ain't nothing happens. I’m sure youse are far more advanced in that area than we are as well.

I guess youse are wondering how we could have built an advanced spaceship like this to travel to Earth.  Built it?  Nah, we didn't build it!  We found it on the beach.  Used one of those metal detector things.  

By the way, the woman who invented metal detectors for the beach is the richest woman on our planet. As soon as we invent money I can tell youse how rich.

Would youse like to come aboard our spaceship? I'm sorry the place is a mess and there's no.... what do youse call it? ...  air conditioning.  It's just up the rickety steps right here. 

Oh, by the way, now that youse are aboard, one more thing: We eat human beings, just like in all good sci-fi movies. We are now flash freezing youse with our patented death ray! 

We may come from a civilization far less advanced than youse own, but everybody's gotta eat! Ain't that right, Second Officer Zontar? 

Oh wait, you're Blurgteen Officer Zontar.  We've just got to get around to inventing numbers!"

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The Attack (FF)

© Sandra Crook

"It's been a wonderful time here exploring this strange but beautiful land," said Sporka, sipping the last vestiges of a cup of tea as he sat in the courtyard cafe.

"I've loved it too," replied Manus. "But our mission is now over, and soon the Attack will begin."

"Is there no way to stop it, Manus?  I don't want an Attack!" 

"I’ve tried to find a way, Sporka, but it is as if decreed. The Attack will happen!"

"And as always," muttered Sporka, "there will be untold pain and suffering.” 

Manus paid the café bill and Sporka and Manus beamed up to their hotel room, Sporka beaming right into the bathroom.

"OOOHHH!” he moaned.  “Always whenever I travel to Earth!" 

“The Attack has begun," sighed Manus.

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This one is so cheap and exploitative even I feel like hiding in the bathroom. Nevertheless this is my crude and tasteless response to this week's lovely picture prompt above from ace Friday Fictioneer Sandra Crook.

You won't be moaning and groaning like Sporka if you check out the work of the other Fictioneers by clicking here; in fact, you'll be oohing and aahing!

And now, if you'll pardon me, I'm off to signal my masters on Pluto to begin the Attack.

  

Destination Mars!

Mars, here I come! 

"Perry Block, you've just been chosen to be one of the 100 eligible individuals to fly to Mars! How do you feel?!!"

"All right.  And you?"

"No, no, I'm asking how do you feel about traveling to Mars as part of the Mars One Project?!"

"Oh, yes. It represents the culmination of a lifetime dream."

"To explore the unknown, to travel into space, to benefit humankind?"

"Nah, to finally win something."

"How did you enter the contest?"

"I had this Cheerios Box, it said no purchase necessary ..." 

"But surely you're excited about traveling to the red planet?"

"I'm not even sure I'd like to travel to a red state."

"How did your family and friends receive the news of your impending departure?"

"Oh, very well. Those that took my call said: 

That's great, Perry, you finally won something; oh, I've got a beep."

"Do you worry about the isolation and loneliness of the journey?"

"If you knew anything about my weekends, you'd know I've got that one covered."

"Have you given any thought to the possibility of meeting alien life forms?"

"Yes, I'm looking forward to meeting Michael Rennie from The Day the Earth Stood Still. Boy, could he rock a suit!"

"Yes, but what if what you find is more like Independence Day?"

"That'd be awful. Death by cliche."

"Or like Mars Attacks, directed by Tim Burton."

"Oh, boy, would my autograph book be out!"

"You know, Perry, you really don't express the kind of enthusiasm many of the other candidates express about the mission. Some have called this the opportunity of a lifetime."

"Oh, sure, if you consider the opportunity of a lifetime the opportunity to be eaten by gigantic space worms."

"Others have said they're thrilled not to be living a 9 to 5 kind of life."

"I wonder if those others gave any thought to playing the mandolin in Nepal as opposed to being vaporized into fertilizer to be spread over purple and pink gnarled plants that goose you as you walk by." 

"What do you think you'll be meditating about as you'll gaze fondly back at earth at night while living on Mars."

"Oh, many things: 

• If Law and Order is still on
• If what's happening on earth is good for the Jews
• If Flo has finally had a makeover
• If the word "boner" is now fully synonymous with Brian Williams
• If Fox News has become an animated cartoon, and lately
• If John Travolta has actually gotten goofier

"Finally, how would you sum up what's ahead for you."

"I am about to begin my five-year mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no person ...."

"Perry, excuse me, but this isn't a five year mission. This is for the rest of  your life."

"Holy crap! I better start reading the back of my Cheerios boxes more carefully!

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