The New Guy

A short play on politics of the day in playlet form (mostly). We are in a meeting hall in which presidential candidates are answering questions from reporters.  There is a moderator and two reporters, Sid White and Deborah Stanton.  

Deb

Thank you, Governor Huckabee, that was ... uh ... illuminating to learn God and Wayne LaPierre are on a first name basis.

Huckabee

You're welcome, Ms. Stanton! You know, God personally blesses all semi-automatic pistols and assault weapons.  He has guided me in his namesake to purchase Glock weaponry...

Moderator

Sorry, out of time, Governor Huckabee! We need to bring out the next candidate to speak at this Special Republican Candidates for President Forum.

Governor Huckabee walks off the stage and there is a brief break in the action. 

Sid

Deb ... Pretty sad state of affairs with our party's candidates. The only one who has any charisma is Trump and he's a wacko.

Deb

I know. I haven't experienced anything as depressing as this since HBO renewed The Comeback with Lisa Kudrow. Who's up next? 

Sid

The new guy. I've heard some good things about him. He's plain speaking. He's down to earth. Here's hoping he turns out to be the one to knock off Donald Trump at last.

Deb

I hope so.

Moderator

And the next candidate from the Republican Party for President of the United States, Governor Kent Larson.

Governor Kent Larson, a tall good-looking man, strides up to the podium.

Governor Larson

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed an honor and a privilege to have the opportunity to speak here tonight as part of the Republican Candidates for President Forum. As your newest candidate for the highest office in the land, I am thrilled to share with you some of my ideas to help secure a bright future for the country and the land we all love. 

Sid

(talking low to Deb)

Hey, so far, so good. 

Deb

(talking low to Sid)

He's smooth! I think I like him.

Moderator

Deborah Stanton will ask the first question of Governor Larson.

Deb

Governor Larson, many of the Republican candidates still oppose same-sex marriage despite the recent holding of the Supreme Court. What is your position on the subject? 

Governor Larson 

My position on the subject? It would be underneath one of the guys.  Or on top, whatever he likes better. I'm not picky.

Sid, Deb, and Moderator all look at each other.

Sid

(talking low to Deb)

Say what?  Did I hear that right?

Deb

(talking low to Sid)

I'm not sure...

DEB

Governor Larson, perhaps there was some confusion about that last question. What I was asking is if you view same sex couples....

Governor Larson

Oh, sure, I like to view same sex couples. In fact, I love it!  Two guys, two girls, doesn't make any difference to me!

Deb

Oh ... my ... god!   I mean ...I mean, oh, my.... how illuminating!

Deb and Sid look at each other in sheer dismay. 

Deb

(talking low to Sid)

Maybe I had too much to drink at the Reporter's Reception. That's gotta be it, that's gotta be it! 

Sid

(talking low to Deb)

Yeah, that would explain it. Except we didn't go to the Reporter's Reception! 

Moderator

The next question for Governor Larson comes from Sid White.

Sid

Thank you ... I think.  Now, Governor Larson ... um ... One of the biggest challenges faced by the civilized world is that of ISIS. What are your thoughts on containing ISIS?

Governor Larson

ISIS certainly must be contained and contained effectively. Generally in a good sized cooler! There's nothing like a brewski on ISIS on a hot summer day!

Sid does a double-take, Deb slaps her hand on her forehead.

Sid

No, no, sir, when I say ISIS, I mean the terrorist organization ... the Sunni organization... 

Governor Larson

Oh, well, if it's Sunni out, all the more reason you need plenty of ISIS! Stock up early on a hot day, I always say. 

Deb

(talking louder now)

Uhh, didn't anybody vet this guy?

Sid

(Talking louder too)

Vetted him? Somebody should have gutted him! I can hear the champagne bottles popping right now at the DNC.

Moderator

One more question.  From Ms.Stanton.

Deb

(responding cautiously)

Okay ... okay... sure, one more. Governor Larson, immigration is a big issue these days, and many are concerned about Mexican Immigration.

Governor Larson

Oh yes, if I may, Mexican Immigration is something I've thought long and hard about!

Deb

(to Sid, relieved)

Now we're getting somewhere!

Governor Larson

I love all kinds of Mexican food. Tacos, fajitas, enchiladas, everything!  I've never had immigrations, but I'm sure I'd love them too.

Telephone rings, Deb gets it.

Deb

Oh, Mr. Chairman! Yes, Mr. Chairman. No, Mr. Chairman. I see, Mr. Chairman!

Sid

It's the RNC Chairman, isn't it? What is he saying? He can't be blaming us, can he? He can't be blaming us, can he?  He's blaming us, isn't he?

Deb

Yes, Mr. Chairman!  No, Mr. Chairman! Goodbye, Mr. Chairman.

Sid

What did he say about Larson? 

Deb

He's shot to the top the polls.

Sid

Excuse me?

Deb

Larson's shot to the top the polls. Voters find him plain speaking and down to earth. He has become...

Sid and Deb together

(looking at each other)

The new voice of the Republican Party!

Sid

Who's up next?

Moderator

And the next candidate for President, Donald Trump.

Deb

Thank goodness!  

Sid

At last!  Someone sane. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Night Drive (FF)

copyright The Reclining Gentleman

"Phillip, we've been riding behind this guy for a good five minutes," said Buckley, as he and Phillip drove over the Minsky River.  "Why don't you pass him?"

"I've put my high beams on to signal him to pull over so I can pass," said Phillip, "but he doesn't seem to be getting the message!"

"Phillip" replied Buckley, "that's not the way to do it. Pull around him."

"Really?  Just go around him?"

"Sure.  There are no cars in the lane next to you."

"Just go around him?"

"Naturally."

"In the lane next to him?"

"Of course."

"Okay, whatever you say."

"OMG!  No, No, Phillip! NOOOO!  AHHHHHHHH!"

Phillip and Buckley had to be fished out of the Minsky River.  Phillip had gone in the lane to the left, not the right, to get around the car in front of him.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Though I'm not quite as bad a driver as Phillip, I have been told I have a heavy foot. How do you go about losing weight in your foot? Is there a Jenny Craig for feet?

Anyway you should foot it on over to the responses of the other Friday Fictioneers to the picture prompt above by clicking the word lead foot right here. You don't have to drive, although Phillip is waiting to take you.

I have not have the opportunity to comment on many of your stories lately and I apologize. If I haven't commented on your story, that means I loved it! Now will you take a spin with me, lead foot and all? 

The Top Ten Signs You Need To Cool It On Twitter

Once it seemed like you were made for each other, you and Twitter.

Yes, Twitter brought you your own little window on the world in 140 characters or less. Suddenly obscure little you became a major league player in the worlds of politics, world affairs, entertainment, and looking at mangy cats. You mixed and mingled with interesting and exotic people from around the world who, were they to have met you in person, would never have deigned to mix and mingle with obscure little you at all.  

But gradually there have come to be issues. Every time you receive an RT you do a victory lap around the room and high five your stuffed bear. You send birthday presents to everyone you are following on Twitter including @KimJongUnDude. Lately as you spend even more and more time on Twitter, you need to be regularly re-introduced to those two diminutive people who live in your house named Kristin and Timmy.

It is close to the breaking point.  Here are:

The Top Ten Signs You Need To Cool It On Twitter 

10) That huge emoji overhead when you go outside?  That's the sun, asshole!

9) You follow everyone that Twitter recommends you follow even if their profiles include the words "Proud Craigslist Stalker," "Conspiracy Theorist Who Believes You Killed John F. Kennedy,"or "Republican."

8) You named your first born son "Woot!"

7) You are convinced that Kim Kardashian is tweeting just for you!

6) You frequently use the hashtag #HELPMEOMGPLEASEHELPME!

5) Can't get enough dick jokes even if they're just about a guy named Dick.

4) You follow that idiot @PerryBlock.

3) You are fuming that you flunked the tryouts for Team Follow Back.

2)You type LOL after every one of your tweets, even if they're about economic infrastructure and agrarian land reform.

And the Number One Sign You Need To Cool It On Twitter,

1) You're so busy with Twitter that when someone mentions pornography you say "Porn?  Is that on the web too?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Escape from Devil's Island (FF)

© David Stewart

Charles hurled himself into the center of the pack of savage dogs!

"Just keep going,” he thought.  “Better to try to blast through them than to fight them.” And he got through with only one ear ripped off. 

"So no one ever escapes from Devil's Island? I'll prove them wrong!"

Charles had climbed through the tunnel he'd been digging for 16 years, swam through the shark infested moat, navigated the minefield, and now came to a low lying fence beyond which was a flower strewn field and a strip of international land.

Racked with pain, he flipped over the fence.

“FREE” he cried. “FREE!!!”

“Ahhh choo!  Ahhh choo!  Ahhh chooo!”

“Nobody escapes from Devil's Island,” said the guard now upon him. “We know everyone's fatal flaw.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And my fatal flaw apparently was my last post "Seinfeld, Starring Cookie Monster as Jerry," which received a response not seen before in Western Civilization since the Gallup Polls generating during the Bubonic Plague.

I thought of making myself the prisoner on Devil's Island as a sort of punishment but realized that I'd be as unlikely to throw myself into a pack of wild dogs as to sit through a concert by ABBA, so Charles was designated to plot the escape.  You should plot your escape to the offerings of the other Friday Fictioneers on the picture prompt above by clicking here.

Nobody ever escapes from Devil's Island.  And that's nothing to sneeze at!