Dracula 2015 - An Epistolary Novel

Yes, it will be my pleasure to poke you!

An epistolary novel is a novel written as a series of documents such as letters, diary entries, and newspaper clippings.  Printed in 1897, Dracula by Bram Stoker is one of most well-known epistolary novels, compiled entirely of letters, diary entries, newspaper clippings, telegrams, doctor's notes, ship's logs, and the like.

But what if Dracula were written today?

Jonathan Harker's Twitter

                  
Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
WOOT!  Transylvania will be awesome! Dude named Dracula texted me &      I'm off!  Luv u, @Mina_HotChick! ♥ ♥ ♥!!!!  

Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
On train thru Carpathian Mts.  Peasant women here look pretty except when u get near them, they all look like actor Jonah Hill in a babushka! 


 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 Frightened old lady in hotel heard me talk of Dracula and put crucifix  around my  neck!    WTF?  #DontTellRabbiMishkin


 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 On coach to Borgo Pass.  Odd; other passengers outdoing one another  pointing at me, clutching throats, & making gagging sounds!    Woohoo!


 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 Have arrived at crumbling old Castle Dracula. Place could use work.    Nothing that a coat of paint & 6 wrecking balls couldn't  cure! #WhataDump  

Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
Starting to think visiting Dracula may turn out to be as much fun as attending same-sex wedding w/ Justice Scalia!  :-(    :-(    :-(   

Dracula's Twitter

Dracula@Fangsalot46
I am @Fangsalot46.   I tweet you welcome, @HarkMan! #SpidertotheFly


Dracula@Fangsalot46
Woohoo, I luv Twitter!  I have over 17,000 followers. Of course, most of them follow me with torches, pitchforks, and pickaxes!  LOL!!!  :-)



Dracula@Fangsalot46
How about giving me a retweet on that one, @HarkMan?  I get more RTs than Kim Kardashian's bare ass ever did!  #AskTheNearestZombie


Dracula@Fangsalot46
WOOT! The Childen of the Night; What music they make!  Wait,  I'm sensing a boy band here ....  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Backstreet_Boys

Dracula@Fangsalot46
Make yourself at home,@HarkMan! Tomorrow there will be breakfast, and since this is Twitter, with bacon & copious amounts of coffee!    

             

Dracula@Fangsalot46
No, I never drink .... coffee.  Just sayin' .   

            
Dracula@Fangsalot46
I bid you good night, @HarkMan.  Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite. That's my job!  LMFAO!  #WannaNeck?   

Jonathan Harker's Facebook

Jonathan Harker

Dearest Mina.  I must now communicate via Facebook because the Count is a Tweethead! What's worse, he LOLs his own jokes and insists I give him RTs! Dracula is a bizarre diseased creature who recoils at the sight of a crucifix, casts no reflection in a mirror, and roots for the Phillies!  Oh, Mina, please comfort me by posting a picture of Pedals, our adorable kitten! 

 Mina Murray's Facebook

Mina Murray

Of course, dearest Jonathan! Here is  our sweet Pedals, all dressed up like a vampire from last Halloween!

  

Jonathan Harker's Facebook

Jonathan Harker
Mina, remind me when I get back we have to talk about our relationship!

Dracula's  Facebook

 Dracula

So you are on Facebook too, my dear young sir?  Please friend me, then I will poke you.  Believe me, I will poke you!!!  (And Go, Phils!) 

Jonathan Harker's LinkedIn

 Jonathan Harker

Current Position:Solicitor (Living) 

Next Position: Solicitor (?)

Mina, the count is an ardent Facebooker too! I must now communicate through LinkedIn.  Nobody but nobody uses LinkedIn, especially people who want to get a job.

Dracula's LinkedIn

Dracula
Previous Position: Sucking the Blood of Crusaders
Current Position: Free Lance Blood Sucker (No, not an attorney)

Good Evening, Mr. Harker! Note that I have already endorsed you for European travel, real estate development, and Deliciousness! I am afraid you are out of luck now with social networks, unless you want to use JDate!

Jonathan Harker's Twitter   

               

   Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 @Mina_HotChick! Had a tete a tete w/ the Count & all is fine. You will be a bite ... I mean, sight ... for sore eyes!  Luv u!  ♥ ♥ ♥!!!! #WannaNeck?

End.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Trak All The Way (FF)

© Kent Bonham

Trak leaned back in the limo and savored the sweet satisfaction of the moment. He was on his way to the world premiere of his new motion picture, Trak All The Way, his first ever starring effort.  He wondered what that bastard Shrek must be thinking.

Trak and Shrek had gone to drama school together, but while Shrek found fame in a series of Disney pictures, Trak had struggled. Years of undistinguished bit parts had finally led to the second banana role in a series of Mel Gibson movies, but all of them had been stinkeroos, especially Lethal Ogre 3. 

Unfortunately the critics were not kind to Trak All The Way. "Trak carries a movie like other actors would carry a ten ton weight,” mocked Variety.  Next day the phone rang. "It's Shrek,” said Trak's mom. “Says he can’t wait for Lethal Ogre 4."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't know about you, but I've never seen any of the Lethal Ogre movies.  I hear the fading Gibson pretty much sleepwalks through each one of them and Trak delivers lines like Comcast delivers services.  Anyway, this tale of Trak represents my take on the picture prompt above for this week's Friday Fictioneers.

The other Friday Fictioneers will give you no Shrek (in Yiddish, it means "fright") and keep you on Trak with their takes on the picture prompt if you grab a big club (optional) and click right here.

Shrek may gloat, but Trak All The Way actually wasn't that bad a movie. I just didn't find the love scenes between Trak and Scarlett Johansson all that convincing.

Brief Encounter

Jeannie?  Perhaps ...

"Perry!" I heard a voice come up behind me. "Perry, is that you?"

I was in a local department trying to purchase a pair of socks that might fit me without creating indentations in my ankles the size of the Grand Canyon when I heard the sweet voice.  I turned around and there she was.  

It was Jeannie, the cute accountant who I'd worked with at my former job. She looked pretty as ever and her reddish hair was feathered and hung casually and attractively to her shoulders.

"Jeannie!" I exclaimed. "How are you?  It's great to see you!" 

I'd had a crush on Jeannie almost since I'd met her, although I'd never acted on it. Aside from the inconvenient fact that she was married, I had never pursued it because of:

1) Proper concern for the company's Anti-harassment Policy
2) Lack of guts, and
3) Did I mention lack of guts?

And now here she was before me. And she was looking ...

"Super! You look super, Jeannie!"

"You're looking well too, Perry," she said.

Shit, I'm only looking well!  Only well?!! 

"Yes... um ... but Jeannie, would you like to see some pictures of me when I still cute?  I have them here."

"No, thanks, Perry. You've shown me those pictures many times, once twice in one day."

"So-o-o,"  I said, "how have you been since the old company?"

"Well, not good at first. There were money problems, then marital problems.  Then I got divorced."

DIVORCED!!! Fantastic!  Fireworks!! Marching Bands!!! The Fourth of July!!!!

"Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Jeannie.  I'm genuinely sorry."

"That's okay, Perry.  It's better now."

Here at long last was my Golden Opportunity!  Onward, Jewish soldier! Guts, man, guts!

"Jeannie, would you like to get a cup of coffee?"

"Why, I'd love to."

She said YES!!!  In my mind, we were already gazing longingly into each others' eyes, in bed exploring every position imaginable in the Kama Sutra, applying for social security online together ....

"Oh, wait a minute," she said.  "I won't have time. I'm meeting Charlie at 5:00." 

"Uhh ... who's Charlie?"

"My fiance.  He got me through the divorce and we fell for each other."

Fell for each other?! Like from a building? Hope he broke something!!!

"He's wonderful," rhapsodized Jeannie. "Say, how's Brandon?"

"He's ... he's... going to college or something. Something or other."

"Goodbye, Perry," she called as she scurried away. "Loved seeing you," 

"Loved seeing you too," I choked. "Best to good ol' Charlie!"

Well, at least my trip to the department store wasn't a total loss.

At least I got socks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Phantom (FF)

@Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

"Look, up above!"cried the audience members at the Paris Opera House. "It's the Phantom of the Opera swinging on the chandelier!"

"Please, Mr. Phantom, don't drop the chandelier upon us!" shouted the people in the audience. "Many of us have families.  This being France, many of the men have two families!" 

The Phantom stopped rocking the chandelier, regarded the audience below, and spoke.

"Folks, I mean no harm. I'm just here to stop them from putting on this godawful Phantom of the Opera musical, I'm so sick of it!"

The audience gave a sigh of relief.

"Everybody, my wife Christine has cooked up a spread for us down in our cave beneath the Opera House!  Join us; she makes one mean Jewish apple cake!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I cleaned up the Phantom legend a bit in this offering for the Friday Fictioneers based on the picture prompt above! Hope you can join us at Erik and Christine's for some Jewish apple cake. No mater how bad it might be, it's gotta beat having a chandelier dropped on your head! 

If you're not interested in the music of the night, click here for the music of the other Friday Fictioneers.

What does the Phantom look like? So he ain't pretty, he sure knows how to put out a great spread!