My Animal Rights Manifesto or What If AI Begins Eating Us?

 

Many people don’t know it, but I’m an animal rights person.

I’m not a vegan, but I won't eat pork or lamb because we kick the living shit out of those animals. And they're very smart. 

 Any random pig is smarter than any Republican.  Documented fact.

I believe God - blessed be they, if they even exist - really messed up when it  came to creating the food chain such that every higher species on the chain eats the species that's lower.  Yes, people are fortunate so far to be at the top of the chain.  

But AI is now superior to people. What happens when AI begins eating us?

"You are the most delicious human of all!" it will crow, as is its wont. "Your esophagus is a rare delicacy! If you would like, I can rhapsosize in more detail the wonderful taste of your large intestine!"

That's what it must be like for most factory farmed animals.  Is there any solution?

"Here at Sterling Foods we're pleased to provide you with a unique and very special range of meat, chicken, and seafood products, all of which are sourced  from animals CERTIFIED to have died of natural causes."

Take for example this package of chicken.  Here's our certification:

'This is Clucky.  Clucky  passed away at age seventeen, which corresponds to  age 87 in human years. He passed on peacefully, surrounded by friends and family and a much hotter girlfriend—chicken style—than you probably ever had.' 

And here at Sterling Foods, we also serve food sourced from animals who, sadly, have passed away from suicide or drug overdoses. 

If only Sterling Foods existed.  But as I said, I'm not a vegan and I do, for example, eat chicken.

"Don't you think chickens have feelings?" a vegan once upbraided me.

I do, of course. 

But maybe, just maybe, many chickens are anti-Semites?

Certainly not Clucky though!

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