I don't think she even likes me. But she LOVES outfitting me!

 

"I just saw this, Perry, and it's perfect for you!"

It  was a Saturday afternoon and I was lamely trying to come up with my latest humor post when the phone rang.

"Perry, this is Sandra. I just saw some tops at Nordstrom's that are perfect for you and I'd like to bring them over."

"Gee, that's swell, Sandra," I said, "but I'm kinda busy right now and ..."

"'Great, I'll be right over!  I think you'll love them!"

There's only one problem with this situation.  Sandra isn't my girlfriend. In fact, she broke up with me several years ago.

I don't think she even likes me.  But she loves outfitting me!

There came that familiar knock at the door. You know that rhymthic knock, knock <beat> knock, knock, knock that people execute when they have something with you or perceive they have  something with you.

"Here you go, Perry, try these on," Sandra chirped brightly. "I got them for you in navy blue, powder blue, dark gray, light gray, medium gray, and a few other random colors in between."

"Sandra, umm ... I think this has got to stop," I said. "We're not dating and yet you insist on buying me clothes."

"It's my passion, Perry, and you know I always offer to chip in on them. Look, because you're so slim you look great in so many things."

"If that's true, Sandra, why did you describe me as scrawny back in the day when you dumped me? "

"Maybe you've put on weight," she said, for sure knowing it wasn't true.  "Didn't you like the slacks I bought you last month? I see you don't have them on; please, please. please for once can I see you out of  those omnipresent jeans?"

"Sandra, shouldn't you have an actual boyfriend to be buying clothes for?"

"Oh, there's nobody out there.  Say, could you use socks? And how about some new underwear in a variety of colors?"

"Umm, Sandra."

"Yes, Perry?"

"I think you should stop buying me stuff."

"Oh, BTW, l saw a great puffer jacket that to me fairly well screamed Perry!"

"Well, uhh, I guess I could use a new winter jacket."

"Great, I'll pick it up tomorrow! You busy tomorrow afternoon to try it on?"

Turns out I wasn't gonna be busy.  Would it kill me to try it on?

No, I don't think Sandra even likes me.  But she loves outfitting me!

And, y'know, beats having to shop.

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If you liked this post  you might also like The Story About Cupid on Page One.

If you hated this post, I hope Sandra starts buying you clothes and doesn't offer to pay for a damn thing!