It's a Miracle!

Now that's a Hanukkah Miracle!

As most everyone knows, no matter how trumped up it is or may be, Hanukkah is never going to be as big and bold as Christmas. 

Then again, it was never meant to be.  

Although the fabled eight nights of Hanukkah gifts impresses at first blush, generations of Jewish children know the reality. While the First Night of Hanukkah you might get a cool set of trains, by Nights Four or Five, you're getting underwear and by the time you reach Night Eight, it's one half of a pair of dice with the note "just double it, kid!" 

But Hanukkah's biggest problem isn't the inevitable mismatch with Christmas.  Simply put, the miracle upon which Hanukkah is centered is just not the stuff of which Charleton Heston - starred Biblical epics are made.  Frankly, Temple-consecrating oil conservatively estimated to last a day or two hanging on for an entire eight days is about as compelling a miracle as my making it successfully to work when the gauge is registering below zero but I'm too lazy to stop for gas!

Wanna Pump Up Hanukkah?   Here's my suggestions for an alternative or two that'll have you shouting:

"IT'S A MIRACLE!"

1) One night shortly after the Hebrews’ victory over the Greeks, the skies above Jerusalem suddenly burst forth and mighty droplets of consecrated oil land upon the city!  The downpour provides enough oil to light the Temple lamp for a full eight days, but is kind of hard to get out of the cat.

2) While out hunting one day for sustenance for his family on his small plot of land near the City of David, a humble servant of the Lord named Jedidiah discovers oil. Well, the first thing you knowest, old Jed becamest a millionaire, his kinsmen and kinswomen badest him move away from there....

3) Just as the oil is believed close to burning out, the oil meter is discovered to be broken. And when the necessary repairs are made, the meter reads that there is sufficient oil to light the Temple lamp for another 6.45 days, thereby reaching eight complete days! 

This is considered a great miracle because a Jew fixes something.

4) Through the miracle of time travel, famed entertainer Jerry Lewis travels back to ancient Israel!  His predilections for grooming as legendary as his talent, Mr. Lewis lends the Hebrews enough oil to light the Temple lamp for the total eight days and returns to the present with his inimitable coiffure fully intact! 

To which all of the ancient Israelites rejoice in thanks:  "Oh LADEEEESS!!!"

5) The principle of time-lapse photography, not to be invented for thousands of years, becomes reality!   Eight days pass in mere seconds, a paltry amount of oil keeps the lamp lit throughout, and the entire senior class at Jerusalem High misses the prom.

6) The emphasis on miracles is shifted somewhat away from oil to latkes. Heartburn aside, these babies are your true Hanukkah miracles! 

7) You win at dreidel. 

8) God lifts his mighty hand and Parts the Temple Oil, causing it to rush to opposite sides of the vessel within which it is contained, creating a dry and safe passageway directly through the middle of the vessel itself!

What’s the purpose? Well, it certainly did the trick for Passover.


Miracles great and small notwithstanding, maybe we ought to just let Hanukkah be Hanukkah. It may not be Christmas and it may not be Passover and it may not even be your birthday or anniversary, but it is what it is and what it should be. 

A bit of fun and eight nights of light at a time we need it most.

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"Happy Hanukkah, LADEEEESS!!!" 

Oh, the Lame Places You'll Go!

 Oh, the Lame Places  

Congratulations!

Today is your day.
You're off to Lame Places!
You're off and away!


You have feet in your head.
You have brains in your shoes.
You can steer yourself  
but any direction, you lose!

You're on you own. And you know what you know.
And it isn't that much, YOU'RE an ignorant shmoe! 

You'll look up and down streets.  Look 'em over with ennui.
About some you will say, "too much effort, not me!" 
With your shoes full of brains and your head full of feet, 
you'll stumble and bumble down just about any old street.

And you probably won't find any
you've the gonads to tred.
In that case, of course, 
you'll head straight back to bed!

It's much safer, you'll swear
"On my Beauty Rest so fair!"

Out there,

 Shit Can Happen!

it's invariably true
to people as incompetent
and inept as you!

And when shit starts to happen,
You'll worry. You'll stew.
With perfectly good reason
Because UP you will SCREW!

OH! THE LAME PLACES YOU'LL GO!

Are you on your way up?
Are you seeing great sights?

Nah, you're watching the tube,
It's Kardashian Nights.

C'mon, don't lag behind,  if you must take some speed,
and some downers and cocaine and hashish and weed.

Wherever you fly, you'll think life's a big bash,
But wherever you go ... BOOOM!!! my friend, you will crash!

Except from now on you don't.
Eight trips to Rehab say you won't.

Still I'm confident to say so
and, verily, it's true
that Car Bang-ups

and Phone Hang-ups

will happen always to you!


Life will have you all strung up
It can sting like a birch.
And the gang will fly on
You're less popular than Lurch!

That's the Addams Family's Lurch,
You dumb ignorant chump!
And the chances are finally 
You've caught on you're a Shlump!

And when you're a Shlump
you're not in for much fun.
Un-shlumping yourself
by a Shlump's never been done!

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Told you not to use Mapquest! You're surrounded, it's dark!
Six fullbacks are pummeling your head, face, and chin!

And there's nary a cop out. When you need 'em, they're in. 
How much can you lose? All you got, Gunga Din! 

Now, if you go in, should you turn left or right ...
or right-and-three-quarters? 

At SEX, you're a fright!  

Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Your date will cry "Foul!" and no doubt you will find,
She will mind-maker-upper to dump your behind!

You can get so confused
you go out and buy Mace,
and spray it on peaceful protesters right in the face!

And the world will brand you a disgusting disgrace!
Better hurry right back to your favorite place ...


                          THE WHINING PLACE ... 

...for people just whining.

Whining like a pain, you know
annoying all so they wish you'd go,
whining about all that rain, all that snow,
or why you didn't ding-a-ling Marilyn Monroe,

or about what you'd do if your Big Chance would show,
or why your scant hairs just won't grow.


Everyone - mostly you - is just whining.

Whining that the fish don't bite,
or whining that your date's a repulsive sight, 
or whining why your house is such urban blight,
or whining why you don't have Body by Jake,

or some pot to smoke, or a theatrical leg to break,
or teeth like pearls or expensive implants,
or a string of girls with your great big shvantz.


Everyone - mostly you - is just whining.   

SHUT THE HELL UP!

KNOW!

That's so you!

The only way you'll escape
all that wailing and braying
is if I drag you out somewhere,
anywhere, long as ABBA's not playing!

With your fly flip-flapping,
once more you'll squeak by,
messing up everything under the sky.
Stepping in elephant poop cause you're a poop-steppin' guy!

Oh, the Lame Places you'll go!  There's seeds unsown to bemoan!
There are points you won't score. There are games to be blown. 
And the marginal things you can do with that ball

will make you the losing-est loser of all.
Lame! You'll be a lame-ass as lame-ass can be, 
with the whole wide world watching you scratch your nuts on TV. 

Except sometimes you won't 
Because make the team, mostly you don't! 

And, yes, there'll be times
you'll play lonely games too,
like solitaire on the PC
and the loser'll always be you. 

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
When those sexual urges hit
you'll be alone quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll need websites and videos to get off neath your pants! 
Hot babes? Yeah, right, loser, go you hither and yon,
you'll be lucky to nail a female Elton John! 

But on you will go.
"Nah, the weather's too foul."
On you will go.
"Nah, can't miss A Night with Simon Cowell."

On you will go.
"Nah, our neighbors, the Hakken-Kraks, might howl."
Onward up many channels,
you lame TV freak,
though your arms may get sore
from clicking something even dumber to seek!

On and on you will hike.
... from your TV not far.
and succumb to your problems
however lame-o they are!

You're get mixed up, of course,
you'll be readily whacked.
You'll get mixed up
with strange turds like the GOP Presidential pack.

So be sure when you step.
Step with care, watch for shit,
and remember that Life's
one Piece of Crap SNL Bit!

And never forget though you're sad and bereft,
That everyone's nuts on the far right and far left!

And will you succeed?
Are you kidding, dickweed?
You'll wind up in the toilet,

On you Life will have peed!

So ...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray


AHHH ... I'm just having some fun in my typical way!


Yes, you're off to Great Places!

Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting

so .... 

Good Luck and Oy Vay!

the end
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Very Grenchly Christmas

In the current tough economy, it's nice that many corporations are going the extra mile to display sensitivity towards employees fearful of losing their jobs and livelihoods. 

One such company is the Philadelphia area's world-famed Sunoco, which took the heart-warming step of announcing the expedited closing of its Marcus Hook PA plant on December 1, smack dab at the beginning of the Holiday Season. 

The annual Holiday Party is another way some companies are choosing to calm the jitters of employees in these difficult and sensitive times ....

"Welcome to the 2011 Annual  Grenchly Company Holiday Party!   As a rarefied few of you know, I'm Barton Grenchly, President and CEO of Grenchly Company. 

I wish I had the opportunity to get to know a small number of the remainder of you, but sadly the Penthouse Suite Offices are seven floors above the rest of the company, the elevator above the company floors  requiring a special key,  security code,  and ability to successfully body wrestle a 350 pound goon-like thug named Bungo in order to unlock, and there are only so many hours in the day, beginning with my being chauffeured in to work at 10:30 A.M. and airlifted  to the Forbidden Embers Golf Club in Palm Springs CA at 2:15  shortly thereafter.

As I look over the sea of unfamiliar and more or less unattractive faces before me, I want you  to know that I believe firmly that our employees are our most valuable asset! Also, your check is in the mail, I was just about to call you, and I won't .... well, I'll just leave it at that!

We have a delectable  array of foods and beverages catered for you tonight  by The House of Ptomaine, one of our fine Grenchly subsidiaries, and music for your dancing pleasure by the Mel Grenchly Five, a rather tuneless assemblage of non-talents which at least serves to keep my idiot nephew Mel out of the company.

Now I have just one final announcement before I bid you all an enjoyable party,  a wonderful evening, and a very joyous and happy Holiday Season.  Owing to extremely difficult conditions in the economy at large and at the Grenchly Company in specific ....  

• Tables 1 through 14 will be downsized at the conclusion of the hors d'oeuvres, 

• Tables 15 - 27 downsized  immediately following the main course,  and 

• Tables 28 - 32 will have straight 25% salary reductions imposed across the board at the conclusion of coffee and dessert (a delicious strawberry souffle!) to remain in effect until probable downsizing  New Year's Eve Day,  Martin Luther King Day,  or Valentine's Day.

Please be advised that your Separation Agreements are being placed on your tables as we speak. 

Please sign and return ASAP as the Open Bar this evening is the primary component of your Separation Package,  and I'm sure you'll want to make maximum use of this generous benefit up to the mandatory limit of one watered down drink per employee due to corporate liability requirements.

 Have a Wonderful Holiday,  Everyone!   

And .... oh, yeah .....  

Best Wishes for a Happy and Healthy New Year Ahead!"

 

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Laughter, the Best Medicine

As has oft been said and is often quite true,  Laughter is the Best Medicine.

Laughter is not for everyone.

In some people, Laughter may cause the formation of small globules of saliva on the lips and sides of the mouth that may fling into the air and strike persons within close personal proximity thereby engendering  humiliation and social ostracism,  especially when such occurrence takes place at a business meeting, clandestine sexual encounter, or other social occasion. 

The drinking of water or other beverage immediately before Laughter may result in a gushing  projection of water or other beverage directly into the faces of persons in such similar close proximity, such occurrence often referred to as  a "spit take" originally made popular on network television in the 1950's on the television program The Danny Thomas Show.

Discontinue Laughter immediately if use should occur in conjunction with  (1)  a motion picture directed by the Farrelly Brothers, (2)  a motion picture or  television program starring and/or featuring actor Kevin James,  or (3) a  stand-up comedy performance by "image-changing in a moronic fashion" actor/comedian Bob Saget,  and immediately contact a physician or other health care professional.  

NEVER USE  Laughter one hour before,  after,  or during a stand-up comedy performance by Tracy Morgan, an "actor" and "comedian" fortunate to have a recurrent role on the television program 30 Rock because the program's creator Tina Fey for some unfathomable reason likes him. 

If use of Laughter should occur during any one of  such instances, IMMEDIATELY flush mouth, diaphragm, and brain and call for an ambulance to the nearest medical facility as such condition left untreated  may be fatal. 

Approximately 24% of all persons will upon the use or administration of Laughter simultaneously emit an unpleasant high pitched wheezing sound or staccato guttural barking sound which will result in unceremonious dumping by one's usually relatively new boyfriend or girlfriend within the next four to 24 hours.

Alcohol may intensify the effect of Laughter. Use of Laughter in conjunction with alcohol is therefore HIGHLY RECOMMENDED WHENEVER POSSIBLE.

Ask your doctor if Laughter is right for you.  

And if permitted by your doctor or other  health care professional, always chose the Generic Laughter over Brand name versions.  

It is much cheaper.

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