Ma and Pa Celebrate Hanukkah

SPECIAL HANUKKAH EDITION

Reprinted by Special Permission of Parade Magazine

They put the "i" in iconic, this special couple, and by definition they also put the "we" in it as well. 

They are none other than Ma Nishtanah and Pa Rumpumpumpum, two halves of show business’ happiest mixed marriage, now together for over 35 years and still proving exactly what it takes for people of different backgrounds to forge a lasting and loving relationship. And it was our privilege at Parade Magazine to visit with these lovebirds just as we did last April as the two prepared to celebrate one of the major holidays of their two disparate traditions, the eight day Feast of Lights called Hanukkah.

"She's driving me crazy with all this Hanukkah crap!" said Pa, greeting us warmly at the door. "Right now she's stinking up the place frying those Jesus H. Christ latkes!"

Budweiser in hand, Pa ushered us into the kitchen where Ma was assuming a familiar position, bent over the stove and staring disapprovingly at Pa. 

"Welcome to our happy Jewish & whatever the hell religion it is he is home!" said Ma. "You're just in time for some fried latkes, a Jewish tradition!"

"Latkes," said Pa, "the Jewish answer to coronary heart disease.  Until we fumigate I can't even enjoy my six- pack and mayonnaise sandwich!"

This idyllic relationship didn’t happen overnight.

Originally from the Russian shtetl of Anapaquin, Rose Nishtanah's family fled to America when they became a bit weary of Cossacks using their physical persons to break in a juggling act.  Settling in New York City, Rose utilized her talent for song and dance to become a star on Broadway under the name Rose "Ma" Nishtanah, a middling joke gentile readers won't find funny, but we've explained it below anyway just in case.*

Sadly, Ma's first marriage to the dapper but dissolute Irwin “Buddy” Berenson foundered when Buddy gambled away all her money and personal possessions and began extracting  teeth and internal organs at night while she slept. Eventually he owed so much money to the mob that he went over the fiscal cliff  in a manner that would have had John Boehner really crying his eyes out!

Eustace Rumpumpum  came out of a dirt-poor Arkansas town to score a number one hit with "A Grover Norquist Christmas," followed up by "Jesus Loves Me, But I'm Against Gay Marriage" and a tender ballad to his first wife on the eve of her hysterectomy "Stand By Your Glands."

Unfortunately Eustace's marriage to former hair dresser Tammy Lynette Hairnette ended tragically when he came home one afternoon to find her discussing economic and political theory with Paul Krugman.  Devastated, Eustace added a third "pum" to his last name and began calling himself "Pa," both for no discernible reason whatsoever.

Despite prior heartbreak, when the disenchanted and lonely Ma and Pa finally met it was a magical, mystical kismet!  "I was hoping for a big shlong this time around," said Ma. "And I wanted to corrupt and degrade a Jewess," added Pa.

"How about we play some dreidel before we light the menorah?"Ma asked us.

"Dreidel?!" said Pa. "That has to be the most boring game since Uno for the Colorblind!" 

"Well, then let's sing "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel," suggested Ma.

"That's even lamer  than "The Little Drummer Boy!" said Pa.

"Well, what's better,  Mr. Jesus-of-Nose-Hair-Breath?" 

"This is!" said Pa, producing a CD. "It's the Maccabeats doing "Miracle,  a cover of Matisyahu.  And it's your Hanukkah present, Ma!"'

"And here's your Christmas present early, Pa!" said Ma. "The Second Amendment 2013 Pin-up Calendar!"

And both of them then melted into each other's arms!  

Sometimes our differences,” say Ma Nishtanah and Pa Rumpumpumpum --- two halves of the happiest mixed marriage in show business --- “are less than they seem.” 

That should be true for us all.

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*Ma Nishtanah is the beginning of the central prayer of the Passover Seder known as "The Four Questions."   Ma Nishtanah's sisters, by the way,  are Lilo Hazeh and Nicole Halaylos.  We'll explain those another time.

It's a Miracle!

Now that's a Hanukkah Miracle!

As most everyone knows, no matter how trumped up it is or may be, Hanukkah is never going to be as big and bold as Christmas. 

Then again, it was never meant to be.  

Although the fabled eight nights of Hanukkah gifts impresses at first blush, generations of Jewish children know the reality. While the First Night of Hanukkah you might get a cool set of trains, by Nights Four or Five, you're getting underwear and by the time you reach Night Eight, it's one half of a pair of dice with the note "just double it, kid!" 

But Hanukkah's biggest problem isn't the inevitable mismatch with Christmas.  Simply put, the miracle upon which Hanukkah is centered is just not the stuff of which Charleton Heston - starred Biblical epics are made.  Frankly, Temple-consecrating oil conservatively estimated to last a day or two hanging on for an entire eight days is about as compelling a miracle as my making it successfully to work when the gauge is registering below zero but I'm too lazy to stop for gas!

Wanna Pump Up Hanukkah?   Here's my suggestions for an alternative or two that'll have you shouting:

"IT'S A MIRACLE!"

1) One night shortly after the Hebrews’ victory over the Greeks, the skies above Jerusalem suddenly burst forth and mighty droplets of consecrated oil land upon the city!  The downpour provides enough oil to light the Temple lamp for a full eight days, but is kind of hard to get out of the cat.

2) While out hunting one day for sustenance for his family on his small plot of land near the City of David, a humble servant of the Lord named Jedidiah discovers oil. Well, the first thing you knowest, old Jed becamest a millionaire, his kinsmen and kinswomen badest him move away from there....

3) Just as the oil is believed close to burning out, the oil meter is discovered to be broken. And when the necessary repairs are made, the meter reads that there is sufficient oil to light the Temple lamp for another 6.45 days, thereby reaching eight complete days! 

This is considered a great miracle because a Jew fixes something.

4) Through the miracle of time travel, famed entertainer Jerry Lewis travels back to ancient Israel!  His predilections for grooming as legendary as his talent, Mr. Lewis lends the Hebrews enough oil to light the Temple lamp for the total eight days and returns to the present with his inimitable coiffure fully intact! 

To which all of the ancient Israelites rejoice in thanks:  "Oh LADEEEESS!!!"

5) The principle of time-lapse photography, not to be invented for thousands of years, becomes reality!   Eight days pass in mere seconds, a paltry amount of oil keeps the lamp lit throughout, and the entire senior class at Jerusalem High misses the prom.

6) The emphasis on miracles is shifted somewhat away from oil to latkes. Heartburn aside, these babies are your true Hanukkah miracles! 

7) You win at dreidel. 

8) God lifts his mighty hand and Parts the Temple Oil, causing it to rush to opposite sides of the vessel within which it is contained, creating a dry and safe passageway directly through the middle of the vessel itself!

What’s the purpose? Well, it certainly did the trick for Passover.


Miracles great and small notwithstanding, maybe we ought to just let Hanukkah be Hanukkah. It may not be Christmas and it may not be Passover and it may not even be your birthday or anniversary, but it is what it is and what it should be. 

A bit of fun and eight nights of light at a time we need it most.

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"Happy Hanukkah, LADEEEESS!!!"