"He's A Silent Guardian, A Watchful Protector, A Dark Comic"

 

"Perry, this is the Batman. I could use your help."

Now I'm not in the custom of receiving phone calls from Batman, but I did help him out years ago when he wanted to go on vacation and I agreed to temporarily fill in for him, but mostly I just handed out parking tickets and posed with Cameron Diaz.

How I met him in the first place is another story for another day.

"Well, I'll certainly do what I can, sir," I  said. "I suppose as in days gone by Alfred will call on me, chloroform me so I remember nothing, then squire me to the Bat Cave where I will awaken in your presence ready to work with you in the interests of justice."

"Nah. Take an Uber. I'm cutting back."

You'd think he'd have offered to pay for the damn Uber! It's rumored his alter ego has a buck or two.

"Okay, Batman," I said, arriving at the Bat Cave.  "What's this all about."

"Perry, I want to do standup comedy."

"Umm, sir, did it occur to you that I'm just an open mic comic? Why are you not asking Dave Chappelle?"

"Well, I  don't want to support smoking. But also it's because you're thought of as sort of an odd person to be doing standup comedy due to your age, and I'd be thought of as an odd person to be doing it too."

"You're right, Batman. A 75 year old neurotic retired Jew and the Dark Knight.  Exactly the same."

"Exactly! So let me go over a few lines with you."

And he did. They weren't great.

"And the Joker, I wanna tell ya he can't even remember which of his half dozen origin stories is the right one. He's still saying he fell into a vat of chemicals, yeah, a vat of chemicals at Maybelline!"

Oy vey. 

So we worked on a few lines and I think I helped him with delivery. But I'm just an open mic comic.  If he wanted a Jewish comic, better he might have gone to Marc Maron.

"Remember it's only five minute sets here," I whispered to him as he stood ready to go up at my neighborhood comedy club in Ardmore PA. "Watch for the light at four minutes, keep it clean, and no matter how much you hate Trump, no politics!"

"It's the first time for the our next comic" said the host," put your hands together for The Batman."

“Give it up for your host and bartenders!" said the Dark Knight. 

Mostly comics in the audience, staring at their phones.

"You know, some people have asked me where do I get the oversized gadgets I use to fight crime—the Batmobile, the Bat Hover Craft, all the Batarangs?

Where do you think? Costco.

Where do you get your oversized stuff?”

A bit of a laugh, a few comics looked up.

“I’m all for security… but last week when I answered the Bat-Signal, they texted me a code!  Then I had to prove I’m a person by picking which pictures were ducks in sunglasses.

That's more security than I need.
Also, I’m a bat. Not a person.”

Nice laugh. 

"People think the hardest part of being Batman is fighting crime.
It’s not. It’s the voice.

You try growling like this all night. By 3 a.m., I’m basically Gilbert Gottfried.
If the shift spills into the next day, congratulations — now I’m Tom Waits.

The only way I get my normal voice back?
I lock myself in the Bat Cave and listen to Kristin Chenoweth.

Nothing restores a symbol of darkness faster…
than a tiny woman belting show tunes.”

Big laugh!  Every comic looked up from their phones.

"Give it up for Batman!" shouted the host.

"Batman, I'm proud of you," I said as he walked off the stage.

"Thank you, Perry," said the Dark Knight. "I wonder if you could help a friend of mine who is also interested in standup.

"Sure. What's his name?"

"Bruce Wayne."

"Is he funny?"

"Not particularly. But at least he'll be able to reimburse you for any Ubers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you may also like If Bruce Wayne Lost All His Money.

If you hated this post, I hope the Joker shows up at your house and gives you a complete makeover with Maybelline. And deep down you love it ... until Batman shows up and arrests you!