Yes, I'm going freelance!
I realize going freelance has nothing to do with the Who song I've linked above, but the joyful spirit of the song seemed appropriate to express the uptempo feeling I hope to create in you so YOU'LL HIRE ME TO WRITE CRAP FOR YOU!
Let's face it: my humor site has failed to conquer America. Even though I'm every bit as unfunny as the guy who writes ShitMyDadSays, he has millions of followers and scored a TV show with William Shatner while I'm so unpopular my blog posts are often returned for insufficient postage. In fact, last year when I was awarded the Nobel Prize for ending world hunger the Facebook post I put up got two likes and one comment: "Sure! Pick the easy ones!"
So, my freelance website, Humor for Hire, is now up and running and I've placed myself on writer websites like Elance, Guru, and Craigslist, just in case someone who wants to kill me could also use a brush-up on his resume.
But in the end, though, it's all up to you. Here's why you should hire me for all your writing needs:
1) I naturally write at a fifth grade level.
2) I am always there for you! You'll never find me hanging out in bars, running around with hot women, or carousing til the cows come home (which is about 4:00 to 5:30 A.M, depending upon how udder-whipped the cows are.) Why? My life sucks! You reap the benefit morning, noon, and night!
3) I save you money with plagiarism! I'm as lazy as a hound dog in a red state on a Sunday afternoon after a full morning of squirrel chasing, so if I can find something on the web to copy, paste, and slightly rearrange that will meet your needs --- as opposed to writing up new stuff --- you can bet your ass you'll get the worked-over, warmed-up leftovers! (Legal Disclaimer required.)
4) Never a charge for the Oxford Comma!
5) I'm generally ignorant of most things. With no expertise of any kind to draw upon in my writing beyond the approximate value of the Showcase on this morning's The Price is Right, it would take mega-hubris on my part to charge you what smart guys do.
6) I'm available at low group rates! Got a Rotary Group, mess of Shriners, or a secret society of dudes named Larry? If everyone in the group hires me, I can provide even cheaper rates through the magic of VOLUME and POOLING! I have no idea what that means, I think it has something to do with Obamacare.
7) This is 100% American made humor! All jokes are conceived by an American, written by an American, and bomb with wreckage for miles around by an American. Your jokes will never originate from somebody hastily re-named Shecky sitting in a factory in Canton next to a guy working 140 hours a week busily contemplating suicide while assembling your I-Pad. When you get a Jewish joke, you have the comfort of knowing it was written by a duly circumcised Jew --- moi!
8) Yes, I do bar mitzvahs and weddings!
9) I am a liar who hates conflict. I'll tell you whatever you want to hear whenever you want to hear it. Now you too can have an unvarnished yes-man at your beck and call just like a big company CEO, but at a fraction of the price!
10) I can write a little.
So whether your writing needs involve all humor, a sprinkling of humor, or no humor at all (I'm probably best at that one), check out Humor For Hire and call me today!
Or tomorrow or the next day or last week in August, as you prefer. It's okay.
As I said, I'm awfully lazy too.
Can you write for me while I'm on vacation?
I'm your boy, Libby! If you want, contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org to discuss.
Thanks for the giggles, Perry. Personally, I admire your courage in branching out into a whole new world of freelancing. But...and this is a big but...I cannot understand why you do not charge for the Oxford Comma. Joy Ross Davis
I have a supplier ships me the Oxford Comma same day at below cost. Thanks, Joy!
This comes at a good time. I was considering outsourcing my humor needs to China or India, but I've been getting a lot of pressure lately to "buy American." My concern is that you tend to write on a fifth grade level, which is way over my head. If you can knock it down a notch or three we might be able to do business.
Me wanna be your humor riter! Me wanna be your humor riter real bad!!!!! WAAHHHH!!! WAAAHHHHHHH!!!
Okay, nap time. Back to this right after milk and cookies and "All Things Considered."
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