Identical Pontiffs

It's now been over three months since the Catholic Church has officially had two popes with Pope Benedict  stepping down while Pope Francis has stepped up.  Although only one holds authority over the Holy See, for all intents and purposes we've now got two, two, two popes in one! to paraphrase a well-known breath mint/candy mint commercial from long ago. 

TV producers have predictably lost no time in exploiting this turn of events to  develop a sitcom based on the dual pope premise. Although the program's name is not decided --- candidates include The Odd Prelates, Two and a Half Popes Minus a Half, and Two Broke Popes  --- the theme song is already fixed. 

And, I might add, well familiar to many Baby Boomers ... 

Identical Pontiffs

Meet Benny who's reigned most everywhere 
From Avignon to St. Peter's Square. 

But Franny's only seen the sights 
A guy can see from Argentine heights ---

What a pastoral pair!

But they're pontiffs, 
Identical pontiffs all the way. 

One pair of matching prelates, 
 Different as clergy and lay.

Where Benny adores a baguette, 
Worldly trappings and anisette. 
Our Franny wants to feed the soul, 
Austerity makes him lose control ---
Augustinian and Jesuit!

Still they're pontiffs!
Identical pontiffs and you'll find
They walk alike, they talk alike,
At birth control, they balk alike ---
You can lose you mind!
When pontiffs are two of a kind!

Here's hoping the new show will be a big hit and run for many, many successful years! 

Just like Seinfeld.

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If you liked this post you might also like The Pope's Tweets,  That President!, and Meet the Beatles, Mr. Zuckerberg. 

If you hated this post, I'm afraid there's precious little in heaven or earth either of the two popes can do to help you.  And don't expect me to lift a bejeweled finger for you either!

The Pope's Tweets II

Been following the Pope on Twitter?  Since he's announced his retirement, the Pope's Twitterstream has been kind of bittersweet. 

Bittersweet and awesome!

Here's a sampling of his latest tweets:

@Pontifex  Why am I resigning?  Just got a load of one of the "Requirements of Position" on my Job Description: "Must be infallible."  JESUS CHRIST,  that's ridiculous!

@Pontifex  Also my allergy to incense kicking up something awful.

@Pontifex Sick and tired of working Christmas!

@Pontifex What should you call me? "Your Holiness" for now.  "Your Holinessless' in less than  a month.

@Pontifex Can I still speak ex cathedra? Yes, until God cuts service end of the month.  It's sort of like when you don't pay your Comcast bill except Customer Service is even farther away than India.

@Pontifex  Hoping I still get to hang with God somewhat.  I got the old "I'll call ya," but you and I both know how that goes.

@Pontifex Note to job applicants for position of Pope: be ready for question "what do you see yourself doing 5,000 years from now?"

@Pontifex  What will I miss most about being Pope.  The kickass clothes, dude!

@ Potifex  Now that I'm stepping down, how do I feel about gay marriage? Actually some of my best friends are gay and married, however, they're all married to Jesus.

@Pontifex  Would I ever consider becoming Jewish?  No way! That guilt trip is just too much!

@Pontifex Does God have a secret identity?  Naturally I'm sworn to secrecy, but, boy, will Lois, Perry, and Jimmy be shocked!

@Pontifex Am I able to do "you know what" at the end of the month?  Technically I'm allowed, but at this stage of the game the hottest thing I'm able to fantasize about is Mother Teresa without her cross.

@Pontifex Does God really spend time on NFL football?  That's so ridiculous!  Of course, occasionally he does rig things for the Saints.

@Pontifex What do I plan to do in retirement? I've already been offered two television commercials: one for reverse cathedral mortgages and the other is "Help, I'm falling from grace and I can't get up!"

@Pontifex  Facebook or Twitter?  I suppose Twitter, although I still can't get over the feeling that the word "Twitter" is dirty.

@Pontifex Will I stay on Twitter?  Of course.  Beginning first of the month my new handle is @Benny_CoolPope.

@Pontifex Notice how some of my tweets are over 140 characters?  Yep, there are a few privileges to being Pope!

@Pontifex I've truly loved being your Pope!  Small favor?  Could several hundred thousand of you write me a nice letter of recommendation?

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The Portal

I don't want to brag,  but I've spent the past week hanging with two very important persons.  

The great Alfred Hitchcock was kind enough to make a special appearance in my blog post There's Always a Hitch, his presence therein affording me with a terrific opportunity nobody else can ever lay claim to:  I  got to direct Hitchcock. And know what?  

As an actor,  Alfred Hitchcock should be treated like cattle!

Next I spent some time helping Pope Benedict get ready for his upcoming Twitter debut in The Pope's Tweets. True, the pontiff never directed a hit movie,  but he's got a bit of clout as well and now thanks to me he can spell "WOOT" in 17 different languages!

My entry in the Friday Fictioneers is below, based on the picture prompt above. Thanks as always to Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, both Director and Pope to this enterprise, who has  never yet treated any of us like cattle no matter how much we might sometimes deserve it.

The Portal

When the announcement was made, he had been the first to volunteer to walk though the paneled hallway and into the glowing portal that would lead to another time and place. 

It would not be just any time and place, however. Irrefutable calculations had proven that  the portal would take him to the most pivotal event in the history of humankind.  It could not possibly do other. 

Knowing there would be no return as well as he knew he had nothing to return for,  he reached the portal and calmly walked through the glowing light that framed it.

He heard a voice.   It could have been of any time or place,  of any language or person,  or of any nation or peoples of the world.   Yet he understood.   

"Congratulations to us all," said the voice. 

"It is a girl ...."

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Note:  After reading and responding to the comments below, I made a small change to this piece.

The Pope's Tweets

When I learned Pope Benedict had joined Twitter and would shortly be issuing his first tweet, I was excited to the point of epiphany.

At last somebody older and probably even more out of touch with today's social networking culture was joining Twitter,  and a major A-Lister to boot!  And absent another Protestant Reformation,  an A-Lister who cannot possibly ever be dropped down even a single list.

Sensing  an opportunity to leap in and become the Pope's Twitter mentor and secure for myself the highest --- and pretty much only --- celebrity follower I've ever had, here's what will be greeting the pontiff when he climbs aboard the Good Ship Twitter early next week:

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@Pontifex  WOOT!  Welcome to Twitter, Your Holiness.  Dig those vestments!

@Pontifex  Since you are the #newbiepope on Twitter, Id love to show you around. Remember this hashtag,  and to keep it holy. 

@Pontifex Choose an avatar that makes you look younger than you are.  Mine is 8 years old. If I were you, I'd add a couple more decades.  #newbiepope

@Pontifex  Keep your Twitter profile simple. "God's Go-To Guy" way better than "God's Go-To Guy. Loves Lost, Thomas Aquinas, & chocolate chip cookies" #newbiepope

@Pontifex  Are you related to the actor who played Cliff on "Cheers?"  Oh, right, that's Ratzenberger. #newbiepope

@Pontifex Probably don't want to push the infallibility thing too much on Twitter.  Everybody misspells stuff occasionally and ... you need this job!  #newbiepope

@Pontifex  Content is King.  I mean ... after you, Your Holiness! #newbiepope

@Pontifex That thing's called a mitre? Cool!  Tweet about that!  #newbiepope

@Pontifex  Avoid getting too political on Twitter.  I usually refrain from expressing my liberal, agnostic, and pro-choice views and you should too!  #newbiepope

@Pontifex Interact with people of all races, colors, & creeds, but remember:  I am your No. 1 Jew! #newbiepope

@Pontifex A Direct Message or DM is used when you want to communicate directly with one person. @PatRobertson? I guess.   #newbiepope

@Pontifex When you find a tweet funny,  type LOL for laugh out loud or LMAO for ...   maybe it's best you just keep the laughter down. #newbiepope

@Pontifex  Don't type LOL after your own tweet;  it looks like you're laughing at your own joke.  Not that I've any doubt they're way funny, Holiness! #newbiepope

@Pontifex Use a smiley face to indicate you're making a joke.  I made this one for you.  Œ: )  Happy Face Pope w/ Mitre!  #newbiepope

@Pontifex  Keep it clean. Occasional sexual innuendo is fine, but leave the dick jokes to the pros on Favstar.  #newbiepope

@Pontifex Don't try to explain the old "why does God allow evil & suffering?" on Twitter.  140 characters goes real fast. #newbiepope

@Pontifex Never tweet directly to @God, @Jesus, @Moses or variation thereof & expect it to "get there."  Hint: People love to screw around on Twitter.  #newbiepope

@Pontifex  OMG, I forgot to explain about OMG!  #newbiepope

@Pontifex  There's also something called WTF.  You've heard about it?  Right, Holiness,  it is "fudge."   #newbiepope

@Pontifex Don't be upset if someone unfollows you.  But if you do have ways of zapping 'em,  go for it, Pontiff!  #newbiepope

@Pontifex  I wouldn't expect @KimKardashian, @ladygaga,  & @justinbieber to all follow you back.  But if they do, damn, maybe YOU REALLY ARE DA MAN! #newbiepope

And from there on in, it's all up to the Pope.

Tweet me,  Holiness!  

In no time at all I'll bet Pope Benedict and I will be tweeting, Facebooking, Google Plusing,  Pinteresting,  and maybe even goose quill penning each other, both of us totally and fully immersed and engaged  in every  manner of deep, meaningful, and mutually satisfying human intercourse.

@Pontifex  Oh, knock it off, Your Holiness!  I warned you about keeping it clean!

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Note: Astute readers may have noticed that some of my tweets to the Pope above are over 140 characters long.  There are three reasons:  

1) Artistic license for comedic purposes. 
2) I'm trying to help the Pope here! 
3) Yes, it is good for the Jews ....