The Pope's Tweets II

Been following the Pope on Twitter?  Since he's announced his retirement, the Pope's Twitterstream has been kind of bittersweet. 

Bittersweet and awesome!

Here's a sampling of his latest tweets:

@Pontifex  Why am I resigning?  Just got a load of one of the "Requirements of Position" on my Job Description: "Must be infallible."  JESUS CHRIST,  that's ridiculous!

@Pontifex  Also my allergy to incense kicking up something awful.

@Pontifex Sick and tired of working Christmas!

@Pontifex What should you call me? "Your Holiness" for now.  "Your Holinessless' in less than  a month.

@Pontifex Can I still speak ex cathedra? Yes, until God cuts service end of the month.  It's sort of like when you don't pay your Comcast bill except Customer Service is even farther away than India.

@Pontifex  Hoping I still get to hang with God somewhat.  I got the old "I'll call ya," but you and I both know how that goes.

@Pontifex Note to job applicants for position of Pope: be ready for question "what do you see yourself doing 5,000 years from now?"

@Pontifex  What will I miss most about being Pope.  The kickass clothes, dude!

@ Potifex  Now that I'm stepping down, how do I feel about gay marriage? Actually some of my best friends are gay and married, however, they're all married to Jesus.

@Pontifex  Would I ever consider becoming Jewish?  No way! That guilt trip is just too much!

@Pontifex Does God have a secret identity?  Naturally I'm sworn to secrecy, but, boy, will Lois, Perry, and Jimmy be shocked!

@Pontifex Am I able to do "you know what" at the end of the month?  Technically I'm allowed, but at this stage of the game the hottest thing I'm able to fantasize about is Mother Teresa without her cross.

@Pontifex Does God really spend time on NFL football?  That's so ridiculous!  Of course, occasionally he does rig things for the Saints.

@Pontifex What do I plan to do in retirement? I've already been offered two television commercials: one for reverse cathedral mortgages and the other is "Help, I'm falling from grace and I can't get up!"

@Pontifex  Facebook or Twitter?  I suppose Twitter, although I still can't get over the feeling that the word "Twitter" is dirty.

@Pontifex Will I stay on Twitter?  Of course.  Beginning first of the month my new handle is @Benny_CoolPope.

@Pontifex Notice how some of my tweets are over 140 characters?  Yep, there are a few privileges to being Pope!

@Pontifex I've truly loved being your Pope!  Small favor?  Could several hundred thousand of you write me a nice letter of recommendation?

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Chain of Fools

Chain, Chain, Chain ....

"In love all things are possible," heralded the e-mail, "this message has been sent to you for luck.  Just forward the e-mail to 20 of your most trusted friends, and the luck will be sent to you!"

A couple of months ago, somebody actually e-mailed me the electronic version of probably the most classic chain letter of all time. I was flabbergasted. How could anyone think that I, a sophisticated man of the world --- or at least, of Havertown PA --- would fall for such simple-minded superstitious claptrap?

"On the other hand," said a little voice inside me, "if there's a buck or two to be made, what's a little salt over the shoulder between friends?"

You've probably received this letter yourself a half dozen times in your life.  You remember:

"While in the Philippines, George Welch broke the chain.  51 days later, he lost his wife.  David Fairchild received the letter, and not believing, threw it away; nine days later he died. A young woman in California received the letter but put it aside.  She was plagued with various problems, including expensive car repairs."

I'd forgotten what an old pro the chain letter was at dishing out hard luck.  Its capacity for striking mortal blows was impressive, but I couldn't work myself into a lather over expensive car repairs.  Even if I were dating Mother Teresa, I'd expect expensive car repairs.

Then there were the chain's true believers: 

"Constantine Dias received the letter and asked his secretary to make 20 copies and sent them. A few days later, he won a lottery of two million dollars .... Carlos Deodity received the letter, forgot about it, and lost his job.  Later, he made 20 copies, and got a better job ..."

Even the hapless car repair lady got back into the act when:

" .... she retyped the letter, sent it on, and got a new car."

"Puerile gibberish,"  I scoffed. If the chain actually possessed the power to dispense automobiles, winning lottery tickets, and cushy sinecures, why couldn't it also learn to operate spell-check and correct its rife misspellings and third-grade grammar?

At that very moment, there welled up inside me an oddly familiar little voice. 

"What if it does work?" the voice scolded. "What's to lose?"

 "But how can it possibly work, oddly familiar little voice?"  I shot back.  And what did the chain mean "the luck has been sent to you?" 

It figures that the kind of luck I'd get would be coming third class mail through the U.S. Postal Service.  What if an unscrupulous postal worker intercepted my luck and made off with it? I could just imagine some jerk down in St. Tropez clutching onto my luck while performing prodigious sexual acts with an dizzying array of the world's top super models while I'm waiting like an idiot in Havertown PA for Tony, the mailman who picks his teeth with my K-Mart bill.

The chain was originally written, so the e-mail claimed, by:

 " ... Saul Anthony De Grou, a missionary from Venezuela," and "has been around the world 9 times." 

"If this thing actually works, I said aloud, "why isn't Father De Grou more well known?  By now he ought to at least be the Pope."

"Go ahead and let that stop you,"  chided the little voice. "Next thing you know you'll be reading that De Grou's the big winner on the premiere season of  'The Voice!'"

The chain's prayer to one St. Jude Thaddeus also bothered me. Though the prayer was marked 'Optional,' I had my doubts that St. Jude --- nice a fellow as I'm sure he is --- would come through for one of the Jewish persuasion. Constantine Dias and Carlos Diodity, the chain's most glowing success stories, didn't exactly sound like a couple of guys you'd meet over corned beef at Murray's.

But the voice was insistent.  "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio," it counseled, "that are dreamed of in your philosophy." If there's anything I'm a sucker for it's a little voice from my duodenum that quotes Shakespeare, even though I've never been partial to being called 'Horatio.'

So it was that I found myself later that day sitting in front of my PC, resolved to forward the chain to 20 of my most gullible friends and acquaintances, then sit back to reap my great good fortune.  I queued up the chain letter and began to type the list of intended recipients when suddenly something happened!  

Microsoft Windows froze.

"AHHHH, it's a sign!" the voice shrieked.  "The chain's already broken and your transmission and pan gasket will blow tomorrow!  Not to mention you and I will be dropping dead soon!"

And with that, my pint-sized alter-ego was gone.

Maybe the voice was right.  Maybe it was a sign.  A sign from far above and up on high.  A sign from Father De Grou himself!  Or Bill Gates!

A sign that chain letters really are nothing but simple-minded superstitious claptrap!

Thank you, Good Father De Grou, for reminding me of that.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This May Change Your Life!

Moved by a spirit of benevolence I did not heretofore know breathed within me, I am about to make a statement of epic proportions  which will undoubtedly shock you, captivate you, and may even change your life!

But I’m not going to make it here. A statement of this nature ought to be made where somebody might actually read it. 

Gonepausal.com is a web site that seeks to be the voice, forum, and rallying cry of all women throughout the nation who are a year or two beyond the age they'd prefer to be.  This is something to which I can certainly relate, as I am someone who is a millenia or two older than the I age I'd like to be. 

But I like to think I don't look a day past the First Crusade. 

Gonepausal is helmed by the imcomparable Gail Maria Forrest. (Just try to comp her; she'll always refuse.)  Gail's witty and engaging site includes a blog with running commentary for and about menopausal women plus special features such as “Great Moments in Gonepausal History” and “The Men’s Room,” where men get to take their shots, pro and con, at the not always quite-so-fair sex.

Gail was kind enough to ask me to do a guest piece for the “The Men’s Room,” and I was thrilled.  First because I realized it was a great forum for my epic announcement, and second because I wouldn't mind doing something epic with Gail herself,  so  if you wouldn't mind reading this and leaving  a positive comment it won’t exactly hurt my chances at going Gone, Gone, GONEPAUSAL! sometime soon. 

My statement, entitled To the Women of America, (also shown below), awaits you!

BE PREPARED TO BE AMAZED!

~~~~~~~~~

To the Women of America

Mother Teresa,  Martin Luther King, Mohandas Gandhi.

These are among the most admired people on Earth, giants who have tirelessly and selflessly devoted their lives to giving to others.

Today we add another name to this pantheon of heroes.

Perry Block!

Selflessly as all the above, Perry Block is RIGHT NOW offering himself  to the Women of North America for free Dating/Relationship/Break-up Experience!

Here’s why you should leap at the chance to leap into Mr. Block’s arms:

First, the Matter of Looks.

Looks are VERY important!  And since Perry’s are fairly well moth-eaten, he can’t be too picky. So provided you possess facial attractiveness at least equal to or greater than that of actor Ernest Borgnine, you’re qualified for this offer!  

Dating and Relationship Experience. 

Dating Perry is sort of like participating in war games, Civil War re-enactments, or a conversation with Sarah Palin.  It’s not real. It doesn’t count.

Yet with Perry, you can stock up on every aspect of the relationship experience you’ll need when you’re out there in a legitimate relationship with someone half-way decent. When Perry zigs, you get to practice zagging.  When he parries, you thrust. When he makes an ass out of himself, you can laugh at him, not with him!

And when it’s all said and done, Perry’s self-deprecating nature will cause him to blame himself for everything! 

The Deed Itself.

Should you not be in the mood --- a highly likely prospect if ever you have to watch Perry eat or hear him sing --- well, that’s no problem.  

“I have a headache” truly resonates with Perry.  “I may be getting a headache” or even “Once upon a time I had a headache” are both equally effective. 

But let’s say for the sake of argument he does actually manage to round the bases, if you catch my drift. Should you exclaim during the heights of passion:

“George Clooney, I love you!

he’ll convince himself that visions of Hollywood’s handsomest superstar were aroused in you by … get this …. his incomparable love-making!

Should you call out “You’re the 67^th best lover I’ve ever had!” he’ll assume you just have lousy math skills. Even if you ask him to put a paper bag over his head, he’ll think it charming that at your stage of the game you still like to play Hide and Seek.

Time to Dump Him?

No muss, no fuss.  There must be 50 ways to leave this lover. For Perry, I’ll bet you can come up with a couple dozen more!  

You can do it over the phone, by e-mail, carrier pigeon, smoke signal, or even on Twitter, although you probably won’t be able to say all the mean cutting things you’d like to say in 140 characters or less. Play Donald Trump Board Room with him.  Leave him sobbing over his pecan pie; he hates pecan pie anyway.  Immediately turn around and have sex with his best friend!  That would be no problem, even if he had one.

You can even practice the good old “It’s not you, it’s me” line.    Perry will grade you on your delivery and provide you with a referral to that special incredibly naïve someone who’d actually buy into that never before in history true line.  

So what are you waiting for?  Perry Block believes it’s important to give back.  In this case, to give back what he never had in the first place.

Operators are standing by!

When else are you going to get the opportunity to spend a passionate weekend with Mother Theresa?

This has been a public service announcement from Perry Block. Who, at age 60, sure as hell approves this message!

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