A Visit from the Bearded Financial Planner from those Ameritrade Commercials

SCENE I -  To Run with the Bulls

Bearded Financial Planner: How old do you want to be when you retire?

Professional Woman: I was thinking around 70.

Bearded Financial Planner: Alright! And before that?

Professional Woman: You mean, after that?

Bearded Financial Planner: No, I mean before that. Do you have things you want to do before you retire?

Professional Woman: Yeah, sure.

Bearded Financial Planner: Like what?

Professional Woman: I thought we were supposed to be talking about investing for retirement.

Bearded Financial Planner: We're absolutely doing that! But there's no law that says you can't make the most of today. What do you want to do?

Professional Woman: I'd really like to run with the bulls.

Bearded Financial Planner: Wow! Hope you're fast.

Professional Woman: Not very.

Bearded Financial Planner: That's great!

Professional Woman: Why is that great?

Bearded Financial Planner: Looks like we won't have to talk about investing for retirement after all!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SCENE II -  Hardly a Fortune

Husband with Grubby Growth of Beard:  I realize that $100,000 is hardly a fortune.

Earnest Wife:  One hundred and three.

Bearded Financial Planner:  A hundred and three.  Okay, well let me ask you guys, how long did it take you two to save that? 

Earnest Wife: Oh, a long time. 

Husband with Grubby Growth of Beard: A long time.

Bearded Financial Planner: Then it's a fortune!

Earnest Wife: I'm sure you talk to people all the time who think $100,000 is just pocket change.

Bearded Financial Planner: Right now we're just talking to you.

Earnest Wife: (to Husband with Grubby Growth of Beard)  I told you we had a fortune.

Husband with Grubby Growth of Beard: Yes, you did.

Bearded Financial Planner:  Actually, no, you don't.

Earnest Wife:  Excuse me?

Bearded Financial Planner: I'm just bullshitting you.  That paltry sum of money actually is just pocket change.

Husband with Grubby Growth of Beard: Well, can you help us?

Bearded Financial Planner: Are you kidding?  With that circumcised dick of a bank account and at your ages? 

Earnest Wife: But ... but ...where are you going?

Bearded Financial Planner:  I'm outta here!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SCENE III -  You are Busy!

Busy Blonde: I mean, I wish I had time to take care of my portfolio.

Bearded Financial Planner: Well, what are you doing tomorrow?  Ten A.M.?

Busy Blonde: Staff Meeting.

Bearded Financial Planner: Noon?

Busy Blonde: Eating.

Bearded Financial Planner:  3:45?

Busy Blonde: Compliance Training.

Bearded Financial Planner:  6:30?

Busy Blonde:  Sam's baseball practice.

Bearded Financial Planner: 8:30?

Busy Blonde: (gestures)  Tai Chi.

Bearded Financial Planner:  It's relaxing.  Alright, 9:53.

Busy Blonde: I usually makes their lunches then and I have a little vegan. So. 

Bearded Financial Planner: Wow!  You are busy! Wouldn't it be great if you had investments that work as hard as you do?

Busy Blonde: Ye-ah.  

Bearded Financial Planner: Well, I'm afraid you're shit out of luck.

Busy Blonde: Why?

Bearded Financial Planner:  Because ... because ...  Let's be clear here ...

Busy Blonde:  Yes? 

Bearded Financial Planner: I'm actually a DJ!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alex Trebek Ruminates On His Career On the Last Day He Hosts Jeopardy

Here I am at my very last show. This is a moment, all right.  Let me compose myself for the occasion.

God, I'm so sick of this fucking gig!

This will be the last time I'll ever hear Johnny Gilbert warble

 "This is Jeopardy!"  

Thank God! The old drunk, how does a guy make a career out of saying three words, and overacting on two of them? And when is he going to retire, when his larynx actually implodes and takes out half the audience?

You know what else I won't miss? The ridiculous premise of the show! Jeopardy gives you the "answer" and you come up with the "question?" REALLY? That's been nonsensical since Art Fleming was in knickers!  All you actually do is slap an arbitrary "What is" on whatever handful of words you have to say in order to not lose control of the board.

If the category is "Revolutionary Adjectives," who would respond to a Jeopardy clue like "the Guillotine" with the question "What is bloody?"  In the real world if you were asked "What is bloody?" you would probably answer something like "the time of the month I can't get it on with my wife," not "the Guillotine." 

Check it out, people!

And I'll tell you what else is stupid: the Daily Double. When you land on a normal space on the board you immediately know the clue and amount of money at stake. Hit the Daily Double and you know neither! "That's a True Daily Double" I intone enthusiastically to the contestant seeking to double his money when what I mean is "That's a True Moron, risking it all on a clue that might conceivably reduce Ken Jennings to a blubbering idiot." 

For all the feigned intellectuality Jeopardy brings to the tube, it sure as hell doesn't bring any sartorial splendor. Who developed the dress code for this show - the cast of Hee Haw?

None of our contestants ever seems to know how to put a shirt together with a sweater that doesn't leave you feeling like you've just dropped acid. Just look at these three tonight: Our champion is wearing a shirt so heavily stained it could be pressed into service as a tablecloth in an Italian restaurant,   the challenger in the middle is an over aged lady wearing enough jewelry to populate the tombs of a half dozen Egyptian potentates, and the porky guy on the end is sporting a paisley vest that makes him look like a gay hippopotamus.

Some people say I'm a little cold. They say I don't smile enough, that I'm not sympathetic to the feelings of kids on Jeopardy Teen Tournaments, and that I have no interest in the life stories of the contestants.  Yep, right on all counts!  

After 30 years, how could I possibly give a crap that our champion met his wife over an award-winning Mud Cake with Gummy Worms at a Pillsbury Bake-off in Wichita, Kansas or that Junior here took a break from masturbating to build a robot whose primary functionality is masturbating? Like I’m ever going to see these people again after I finish pretending to be listening to their palaver at show's end?

Frankly I'm only interested in the contestants with big boobs.  I'd love to go into Final Jeopardy with any one of them.

I wonder what Pat Sajak is thinking about my retiring. I hate that stupid smiley faced simp! I can't believe the guy was once actually given a late night talk show. He pulls down a talk show, I get Colonial Penn Life Insurance! He got to chat up Paris Hilton, I’m hanging with lunch ladies obsessed with burial costs.

And, trust me, the Colonial Penn benefit stinks.  It's not enough to bury a flea. 

I guess the funniest thing is the way so many people think I know all the answers on Jeopardy.  Ha!  Except for Potent Potables, I hardly know any.  My mustache is smarter than I am; when I shave it I can barely make it to the studio and back.

I wonder what retirement is going to be like.

The Jeopardy Clue: Another reason I can't believe I ever found that shrew appealing before I wound up home all the time!

The correct Jeopardy Question: What is "Leave the goddamn toilet seat down, jerk!"

See, folks?  There's another example of the ridiculous premise of the show!

~~~~~~~~~

Note: This is a humor piece only and is not meant to actually depict or convey the true thoughts and/or opinions of the real Alex Trebek.  However, if I've actually hit it perfectly, that is so damn cool!

The Pope's Tweets II

Been following the Pope on Twitter?  Since he's announced his retirement, the Pope's Twitterstream has been kind of bittersweet. 

Bittersweet and awesome!

Here's a sampling of his latest tweets:

@Pontifex  Why am I resigning?  Just got a load of one of the "Requirements of Position" on my Job Description: "Must be infallible."  JESUS CHRIST,  that's ridiculous!

@Pontifex  Also my allergy to incense kicking up something awful.

@Pontifex Sick and tired of working Christmas!

@Pontifex What should you call me? "Your Holiness" for now.  "Your Holinessless' in less than  a month.

@Pontifex Can I still speak ex cathedra? Yes, until God cuts service end of the month.  It's sort of like when you don't pay your Comcast bill except Customer Service is even farther away than India.

@Pontifex  Hoping I still get to hang with God somewhat.  I got the old "I'll call ya," but you and I both know how that goes.

@Pontifex Note to job applicants for position of Pope: be ready for question "what do you see yourself doing 5,000 years from now?"

@Pontifex  What will I miss most about being Pope.  The kickass clothes, dude!

@ Potifex  Now that I'm stepping down, how do I feel about gay marriage? Actually some of my best friends are gay and married, however, they're all married to Jesus.

@Pontifex  Would I ever consider becoming Jewish?  No way! That guilt trip is just too much!

@Pontifex Does God have a secret identity?  Naturally I'm sworn to secrecy, but, boy, will Lois, Perry, and Jimmy be shocked!

@Pontifex Am I able to do "you know what" at the end of the month?  Technically I'm allowed, but at this stage of the game the hottest thing I'm able to fantasize about is Mother Teresa without her cross.

@Pontifex Does God really spend time on NFL football?  That's so ridiculous!  Of course, occasionally he does rig things for the Saints.

@Pontifex What do I plan to do in retirement? I've already been offered two television commercials: one for reverse cathedral mortgages and the other is "Help, I'm falling from grace and I can't get up!"

@Pontifex  Facebook or Twitter?  I suppose Twitter, although I still can't get over the feeling that the word "Twitter" is dirty.

@Pontifex Will I stay on Twitter?  Of course.  Beginning first of the month my new handle is @Benny_CoolPope.

@Pontifex Notice how some of my tweets are over 140 characters?  Yep, there are a few privileges to being Pope!

@Pontifex I've truly loved being your Pope!  Small favor?  Could several hundred thousand of you write me a nice letter of recommendation?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~