Friday, November 4, 2011

That President!

And you'll be that President too! 

I happened to catch a few moments of the radio program of a conservative talk show host the other day, and I was immediately struck by the number of  times he used one particular phrase:

  • "We have to do our utmost to defeat this President," he was saying.
  • "What do you expect when the person we have in office is this President?" he said 30 seconds later.
  • "Scientists tell us that the universe will explode in 50 trillion years,"  he commented just before the break, "thanks to this President!"

The conservative host's choice of language seemed to me to be an oddly dismissive way to refer to anyone, let alone the President of the United States. How readily those right-wing jeers would turn to cheers, I thought, if our genial host had changed but two letters of his repetitive mantra.

What if  instead of haranguing us about "this President," he had spoken to us rather about the perky, spunky, can't help but capture your heart Chief Executive known to one and all as:

It's a bright cheerful sunshiny day as President Barack Marie enters the Oval Office with Chief of Staff Paul Lynde, accompanied  by a few bars of light breezy show opening music.

Chief of Staff Lynde:  You've really been on a win streak lately, Mr.President!  Your jobs bill is sure to pass Congress,  you've just gotten engaged to your longtime girlfriend, Michelle Donald Hollinger,  and the Republican presidential front runners are all a bunch of boobs!

President Marie:  Thank you, Paul.  Though you really shouldn't use the word "boobs" here in the 1970's!

Big laugh. 

Chief of Staff Lynde:  Ha, ha, ha, Mr. President! I'll have to remember that one when I'm the Center Square.  You know, Hollywood Squares had to schedule a last minute replacement  this week:  Phyllis Diller's going to be on in place of Muammar Gaddafi!

Even bigger laugh.

President Marie:  Poor Muammar! Guess things didn't work out exactly as he'd planned!

Cut to a shot of Muammar  Gaddafi, dressed in lavish robes and sunglasses and  surrounded by female bodyguards, generals, and a huge array of sycophants.

Gaddafi: I will easily crush this uprising.   I am a fabulous leader, my people love me, and I have great dimples too!

A quick turn-around shot and Gaddafi is seen surrounded by a ferocious mob about to tear him limb from limb...

Gaddafi (shrugging shoulders):  Well, whaddya goin' do?  At least, I still have great dimples!

Huge thunderous laugh!

Back to the Oval Office ....

Chief of Staff Lynde:  It's all due to your policy of letting NATO take the lead, sir! And look, here comes your fiance,  Michelle Donald Hollinger!

Nice applause as Michelle Hollinger enters.

Michelle Donald Hollinger:  Morning, Barack!  Hi ya, Paul.  (to President Marie) Honey, don't forget we're having lunch with Ben Bernanke and the Council of Economic Advisers today at 12:00.

President Marie:  Oh, not again!  I guess that means Chinese food with Bernanke picking the spot!

Nice laugh.

Michelle Donald Hollinger:  Oh, I forgot! I understand there's a pizza delivery guy out front.

President Marie:  But I didn't order any pizza ...

In comes Republican Presidential hopeful Herman Cain, bearing a pizza box.  He looks grim and serious for several seconds, then breaks into a wide grin.

Herman Cain: Surprise, Mr. President!  Pepperoni, 'shrooms, and extra cheese just for you!  Care for a cigarette?

Good solid laugh.

President Marie (taking the cigarette and lighting up):  Herman, you old card, you!  How're the harassment charges going?

Herman Cain: Who knows?  I know as much about any charges against me as I know who's the President of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan!

Loud raucus "poking your neighbor" in the ribs laugh!

President Marie:  Well, what's new in the campaign, Herman? Any of the hopefuls self-immolate today?

Herman Cain:  Word is that Michele Bachmann was staring so blankly ahead yesterday that she actually turned two of her followers to stone.  Not that they could have been all that animate to begin with!

Hearty laugh.

Chief of Staff Lynde:  Oh, who could  ever take you on, Mr. President?  You're perky, spunky, and you can't help but capture everyone's heart!

President Marie:  That's not true, Paul.  All you have to do is find yourself a political platform to love --- one centrist platform to love --- and ....

Chief of Staff Lynde,  Michelle Donald Hollinger, and Herman Cain (singing):  

You'll be That President too!

President Barack Marie musses his hair.

Applause and fade-out. 

Know what, everyone?   That ought to answer all those folks who think the President should just go fly a kite!

And sorry, post-Boomers, if indeed any of you have read this far, I realize this post was rather elusive.  It's based on a late 60's-early 70's television show featuring Marlo Thomas as That Girl!, which, believe it or not, we all thought was hip back in the day. Watch an episode or two if you can; boy, have times changed!


Marisa Birns said...

Where's the guy who hates perky?

President Marie doesn't have to bother about throwing hat into ring. Especially since it's up there *points to sky*

Perry Block said...

Thanks, Marisa!

If only they made TV shows, and Presidents, like "That Girl" anymore!

Winonah said...

Good point about the dismissive way people talk about the current president. However, I'm not sure the other candidates are really as observant as you make them out to be in the dialogue toward the end.

Perry Block said...

Thanks, Winonah!

I'm not sure I made anyone all that observant in this piece except for giving Herman Cain credit for knowing what he doesn't know which in reality he doesn't know.

I hope you like that sentence as much as I do!