Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Blogpost of Horror

Three Tales of (not so)
Classic Horror!


The Sliming
 Invasion of the Body Language Snatchers
The Ex-President's Exorcist 



Blog writer Perry Block and his son Brandon are driving to the remote Overlook Hotel.

Brandon: Dad, why have you accepted a job as a caretaker at an old hotel when you're Jewish and you can barely tie your shoelaces, let alone maintain a building?

Perry:  It will be nice and quiet there so I can work on my blog writing.

Brandon: Nice and quiet describes your fan base too!

At the hotel ...

Scatman Crothers: (to Brandon) You have a certain ability which I call SLIMING.

Brandon:  Aren't you getting your movie parodies mixed up, Mr. Crothers?

Scatman Crothers: No, I mean you can see things telepathically that others can't.

Brandon:  Like those two dead girls? I thought they were part of the floor show!

Brandon goes to check on Perry's writing.

Brandon: (incredulous)  Dad, what on earth is this?!!  (reading)

All work and no play makes Perry a dull boy and he was no prize to begin with  .... All work and no play makes Perry a dull boy and he was no prize to begin with ....  All work and no play makes Perry a dull boy and he was no prize to begin with ... All work and no play makes Perry a dull boy and he was no prize to begin with ....

Perry:   It's my latest post.  

Brandon:  Why, it's far and away the best thing you've ever written! The most intelligible too.

Perry:  Thanks!   AHHHH!!!   What's that green goo squirting at us?!

Brandon:  Oh, it's just THE SLIMING from Ghostbusters.  I knew there was a parody mix-up.

Perry:  Let's get cleaned up and get out of here!

Brandon:  Good. Where's the john?

Perry: Right here. To my left a few steps.

Brandon:  Where?  

Perry:  Right in front of you! 

Brandon:  I don't see it!

Perry:        Brandon:


Brandon:  Oh.  Got it.       

 (Lame, I know. They'll get better.)


 Invasion of the Body Language Snatchers

Dr. Miles Block (voiceover)My name is Dr. Miles Block. I am a successful gynecologist (In real life it should only be!) in Santa Mira CA.  One day an old friend came to my office, the recently divorced Becky Driscoll, with whom I would soon become romantically entangled.

Becky: If you're entangled, Miles, you should use a better cream rinse.

Dr. Miles Block:  Sure, Becky.  Who is that with you? 

Becky:  It's my Uncle George.  He's behaving very strangely.  

Uncle George:  WOO HOO.  Meh.  :*)

Becky:  See, Miles, he doesn't talk like a normal person.

Dr. Miles Block:  Yes, it's as if someone has snatched away the body of his language, leaving 
only silly abbreviated jargon behind.

Becky:  Oooh, Miles! Nice tie-in to the title of this dumb parody! 

Uncle George: WOOT! LOL!  See a pix of my kitty, Mr. Parsnips!  :*)    : @)   : o }

Becky:  Miles, it's horrible!  What is it?!

Dr. Miles Block:  I don't know but we must stop it!  

Dr. Dan Kauffman: (entering the sceneIMHO, u cant stop it, Miles.   STFU! ROFLMAO! 

Dr. Miles Block: What is all thisDan? And I didn't say anything funny ....

Dr. Kauffman: While u sleep, they snatch the body of u're language, leaving u to talk in inane gibberish & become obsessed w/ former Star Trek actor George Takei!

Dr. Miles Block:  What are they, giant seedpods?

Dr. Kauffman: No, Miles, Giant Facebooks! 

Dr. Miles Block:  And this is a good thing because? 

Dr. Kauffman:   Beats me. Ask Al Gore! YOLO! 

Dr. Miles Block: Run, Becky, Run!

Dr. Kauffman:   U cant run, Miles. WOOT! WOOT!  But do run to purchase George Takei's new book "Oh Myyy!," now available on Amazon, iTunes, and Barnes & Noble! WOOT! 

Uncle George:  WOO HOO!

Becky:  Help!  Help!! Help!!!

Dr. Miles Block (Voiceover):  Becky and I ran for our linguistic lives! Finally when we'd escaped Dan Kauffman and Uncle George, I left Becky for a moment. You know, I had to go
 pee pee. (That's a legitimate full word.) When I returned ....

Becky:  I went to sleep, Miles & it happened. I mean: IWTSMAIH!  WOOT!  WOOT!    !!!!!

Dr. Miles Block: Oh, Becky, I should never have left you. There goes the possibility of any stimulating conversations with you  about William Butler Yeats!
Becky: HE'S HERE! LOL! LMAO! ROFLMAO! BTW, making soup today!

Dr. Miles Block (Voiceover): I've known fear in my time, but never fear like when I tried to talk to Becky in full demonstrative sentences and she replied with IWTSMAIH. WOOT! WOOT!     !!!!!!, and got 27 likes to boot! I ran to the highway to warn the others.

Dr. Miles Block:  You're next! You're next, You're next!

Motorist 1:  WTF?

Motorist 2: STFU!

Motorist 3: Luv Mr. Parnips! :&)   

Dr. Miles Block:  Umm,  Dan?  

Dr. Kauffman:  Yes, Miles? YOLO! 

Dr. Miles Block: Where's the happy alternative ending? Y'know, where they finally believe me and they call out the FBI? 

Dr. Kauffman: This is the original version of the film, Miles.  NHE. 

Dr. Miles Block:  NHE? 

Dr. Kauffman:  No happy ending. 

Dr. Miles Block: No happy ending?

Dr. Kauffman:  NHE.     

Dr. Miles Block:  OMG! U're next! U're next! OMG! WTF!!! Poke! Like me on Facebook. 
:*) : @) Impeach Obama!  U're next! U're next! U're next ....
George Takei:  And you're next.


After the above establishing shot, the front door of a house is seen from the inside. A loud knock is heard.

The Mrs:  Who is it?

There is no reply.

The Mrs:  I said, Who is it?

Voice:  (ominously) You sent for me.

The Mrs:  Oh, yes, come in.  Please come in.

The Mrs. cautiously opens the door to reveal ....

Father Perry Block: I am the Ex-President's Exorcist, Father Perry Block. 

The Mrs: But you're not even Catholic!

Father Perry Block: It's all part of an exchange program.  I get to be an exorcist for a month, some Catholic guy gets to be funny. Or think he's funny.

The Mrs: Oh, Father Block, it's been terrible! The things that Reagan has said and done, the spewing bile, the head turning 360 degrees; if only Ed Sullivan were still on, we'd make a fortune!  Is this a case of demonic possession?

Father Perry Block: We'll soon see.  I have to examine your daughter.

The Mrs: My daughter?!  No, it's my husband who's possessed --- Former President Ronald Reagan.

Father Perry Block: No wonder I'm called the Ex-President's Exorcist!  That explains the calls from Hillary Clinton, but I can't exorcise somebody who's alive!

Father Block and the Mrs. ascend to Reagan's bedroom.  As they open the door....

Reagan: Your mother knits socks so well!  

Father Perry Block: (to audience) Got to admit we handled that one deftly, didn't we, folks?

The Mrs:  Ever since the Democrats began praising my husband and talking about how he wouldn't recognize the Republican Party today, they seem to be taking him over! 

Reagan:  You know, Mommy, lately I think government may not be big enough.

The Mrs. screams!

Father Perry Block: Tip O'Neil, is that you?

Reagan sits up and spins his head around 360 degrees. The Mrs. screams again!

The Mrs:  What does it mean, Father Block?

Father Perry Block: It means Reagan is now seeing all dimensions of an issue, not just the one-sided view of the modern Republican Party! 

Reagan opens his mouth and vomits gobs of green disgusting bile.

The Mrs: What on earth is that revolting slop?

Father Perry Block: Oh my God!  He's vomited out the rhetoric of the National Rifle Association!!!  

Reagan: You know, Mommy, there should be some redistribution of wealth for those less fortunate.

The Mrs: Do something, Father Block!  Reagan is turning into a straight Barney Frank!

Father Perry Block:  Come onto me, Evil Spirit!  Take me, not Reagan!  (to audience) Like I would actually do something like this ....

The spirit rises from the body of Reagan, then turns upon Father Block!

Boy, if this doesn't get us readers!

The Spirit enters the body of Father Block.  It can distinctly be seen gritting its teeth and holding its nose beforehand.  Father Block crashes through the window and into the courtyard below, and believe it or not, it's more fun than he ever had as a Jew!

The Mrs. runs down to Father Block.

The Mrs: Father Block!  Father Block!  Reagan is cured; he's arranging tax breaks for millionaires as we speak!

Father Perry Block: Thank goodness.  And ... and ...  this ... this is Hardball on MSNBC, the Place for Politics!

The Mrs:  So!  It was Chris Matthews all along!  

Father Perry Block: Well, things could be worse.  At least I'm not Anthony Weiner!



Anonymous said...

Good stuff, Perry. I'm glad I took your advice and didn't read it in the dark. My eyes would be aching right now with as long as that was. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go read Uncle George's book to Johnny. YOLO! LOL! :) ROFLMAO!!!... Ok, that's enough of that nonsense. Thanks for the laughs on this dreadful Tuesday morning!

Perry Block said...

TYA, I mean "Thank you, Adam." I know it's kind of long, and requires patience as well as knowledge of those movies. Heck, I didn't even finish reading it!

Thanks again for those kind words. I hope your Tuesday wasn't too dreadful and glad I didn't make it worse!

Agent 54 said...

Invasion of the Body Language Snatchers was very scary, well, the parts I understood.

No, Not Weiner. That would have been over the top.

Perry Block said...

Thank you, Tim. Frankly, I am terrified whenever I see an internet post by anyone over the age of four that begins with WOOT or WOO HOO! If I ever hear an adult actually say one of these 'words', I'm headed for an alternate reality as soon as possible (ASAP.)

And, yes, Weiner is the scariest of all. Thanks for reading all of it!

Russell said...

In my opinion, which isn't worth a bucket of green bile, the Ex-President's Exorcist was the scariest thing I ever read. Thank God it was just fiction (much like you converting to Catholicism--even for one day). That line about redistributing the wealth would make Nancy wash Ronnie's mouth out with soap.

Perry Block said...

Thanks, Russell, that's my favorite too since there's a play on both the words Exorcist/Ex-President and Ragan/Reagan. "And he's vomiting out the rhetoric of the National Rifle Association" --- the whole nation should do that! Less happy with the first parody but not as unhappy as most readers, who were unhappy with all of it!

Anonymous said...

Now I'm afraid...very afraid...I can feel the slime of the ghost of Reaganomics trickling down...

Perry Block said...

Wow, Jan, you deftly combined two of the stories together! There ought to be a prize for that. Actually, there ought to be a prize for anyone who made it all the way through the Blogpost of Horror. Thanks for commenting!

Linda Palund said...

Your got me, Perry. I really enjoyed all of your little parodies. Great ideas in all of them - and the photos were splendid! I never could understand that LOL speak. I still don't know what any of it means, especially LOL - Lots of Love? Laughs? Linda or Laura?

Lisa Yow-Williams said...

I was directed to this hilarious parody post via your story for this week's Friday Fictioneers. See, shameless self-promotion works! I enjoyed it, very much. Invasion of the Body Language Snatchers was my favorite, because I love the original movie so much. I watch all kinds of old sci-fi and horror movies, and much to my husband's dismay, I blurt out dialog parodies throughout the movie. I'm like a live, annoying Mystery Science Theater 3000. :)

Perry Block said...

LOL means Laugh Out Loud. I can accept expressions like that used judiciously (some people use LOL all the time whenever something is supposed to be even the mildest bit funny) but "WOOT WOOT and WOO HOO used by grown-ups? I don't get it. And I especially enjoyed playing on Regan (the name of the little girl in the Exorcist) and Ronald Reagan. Thanks for writing, Linda!

Perry Block said...

I love the original 1956 movie too, and I'm one of the few who likes the tacked on "happy ending" because it is still chilling while introducing a ray of hope. Glad you liked the parody because many people don't seem to read the longer pieces. I doubt you're annoying and your husband needs to chill. Thanks for writing.

Unknown said...

Simply horrific Perry
From Johnny to Ronnie you have a blockbuster hit

Perry Block said...

"From Johnny to Ronnie" --- I love that! Thank you, Leslie, that really made my day! Actually, my week. No, pretty much this year.

Anonymous said...

Body Language Snatchers--among others--LOL You've been eating too much candy, methinks. ;)

Perry Block said...

Methinks you're right! Have a Rollo. As opposed to a YOLO.

Anonymous said...

Too scary for words.