Little Old Ladies of My Dreams

 Little Old Ladies of My Dreams
Then and Now

Ever since I was a kid back in the black and white 50's, sexual fantasies have been as much a part of my life as insecurity, Coca-Cola, and being shitty in sports. Over the years, however, the objects of my mighty mental desires have changed every bit as much as the times. 

I used to lie on the carpet as a child in the family den and rub myself whenever Sally Starr - the somewhat chesty blonde cowgirl who showed Popeye cartoons and the Three Stooges -  appeared on screen. I didn't know exactly what was going on but I was constantly begging my mother to serve me spinach in volumes vastly beyond those ever envisioned for the average American boy by the sailor man's creators.

Or, for that matter, by Moe, Larry, and Curly either.  


From Ms. Starr I progressed to a steady succession of actresses (as well as choice classmates, office mates, and elite composites) usually aged, as I aged, in their 20's, 30's, and 40's.  But nowadays in springtime, summer, winter, and fall this not-so-young man's fancy  --- and fantasies --- have turned  to those women whom I (tongue-very-much-in-their cheeks) refer to as the 

                Little Old Ladies of My Dreams!

those actresses on the far side of 60 who can still send me to the den floor with the best of 'em! A sampling of these sexy over-sixties includes:

Karen Allen - age 65
Adrienne Barbeau - age 72
Kathryn Bigelow - age 65
Gates McFadden - age 68
Susan Sarandon - age 70 

But how do I mentally project myself into the amorous embraces of the Little Old Ladies of My Dreams?  Well ...

Gates McFadden, age 68  - we meet at a Star Trek  convention when I obtain her autograph in a moment when everyone else in the place is deluging William Shatner.          
                               
"Thank you, Ms. McFadden.  You know, you were always my favorite Star Trek doctor.  After DeForest Kelley, that is."

"Then I was your second favorite?"

"Yes, but a close second. And I always thought you were hotter than Bones!"

"Thank you. May I buy you a drink? I find you a very attractive man about my age."

"Great! And later I'd like to boldly go where no man has ever gone before!" 

"I can't say that would exactly be true."

"That's okay!  I'm not a Star Trek purist!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kathryn Bigelow, age 65 - We meet in a bar in Philadelphia where she is directing a film. 

"Why, you're director Kathryn Bigelow! I'm a great admirer of your work!"

"Thank you very much."

"One day I might even see one of your movies."

"May I buy you a drink?  I find you a very attractive man about my age."

"Thank you. You know I'm not at all like your ex-husband James Cameron."

"You mean that you're not a jerk?"

"No, I mean I'm Jewish. The word Titanic will never be used as an apt descriptor for any part of me!"

~~~~~~~~~~

Susan Sarandon, age 70 -  We meet when I spot her leaving the theater on the streets of New York City.

"Ms. Sarandon? I really liked you in Bull Durham!"

"Thank you, but I thought Kevin Costner was the one who made that movie."

"I didn't find him as fetching as you in the bathtub scene."

"May I buy you a drink?  I find you a very attractive man about my age."

"You find me a very attractive man?"

"Yes!"

"About your age?" 

"Yes!"

"Like to buy me a drink, would you?"

"I would indeed!" 

"Well, instead of that, Ms. Sarandon, there's something else you can do for me."

"What's that?"

"You can fuck yourself!  Thanks for not supporting Clinton!"


(Sometimes I love my country more than the Little Old Ladies of My Dreams.) 

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Note: The two additional Little Old Ladies of My Dreams above are Adrienne Barbeau and Karen Allen. Boy, would I love to spend an evening drinking tea and knitting sweaters with either one of them!